Love and care are not just words they are actions just the sane. People make time for who they want to make time for and who they care about. They have the option to make choices and can make a choice to divide their fine differently when they feel that’s needed or when they want to.. People telling me they have no time often means they don’t think you are important enough to make time for.

When they can spend it with others they could spend it with you too or divide their time. This hurts a lot when you are the one who’s always on the sidelines. But only those on the sidelines would know. Everyone else always had people choosing them or they simply forget they didn’t found their way out all alone either. They had support and people who loved and cared supporting them.

People who don’t understand that pain can not be held accountable for not understanding something I think. But they could at least believe your word for it and be there for you when you are hurting instead if ignoring you reaching out.

They will be the ones crying and sad when someone actually reaches the point where they can not take the pain anymore. But then it’s too late. I know people may read this as a threat, yet it’s not. I’m trying to make people understand where they can make a difference.

I have reached out to friends when I was in serious emotional pain just to be turned down while at the same time I know those people have posted on their social media that someone can always call them when they feel suicidal. They don’t understand these reaching outs are those moments they should be there.

When those ppl reach the point of suicidal thoughts they usually are beyond reaching out often. When they stop reaching out. You are too late.i have been one of them. People don’t want to be really dead, they want the pain to stop. Even if they don’t get to that point simply because they are that string to carry the pain doesn’t mean you should let them live in pain.

If you say you care about someone you should actually care about that person when they tell you they are hurting and what they need. You might be the only one they reach out to. That’s not a shortcoming because it takes a lot if courage to make themselves that vulnerable that they reach out. Reward this rather then reject you are teaching them that reaching out don’t make a difference either.

The last thing they need is another rejection. It hurts. A lot.

One of the things I struggle with due to my C-PTSD is a very strong sense of responsibility and with that guilt and shame aswell. The guilt and shame is haunting me with everything I do. I am aware that I am not at fault for the abuse that caused my trauma. My reaction to trauma is normal but what gets to me is the fact that new situations trigger reactions that I don’t iseem to be able to control.

Everywhere I keep hearing and reading you are not in control of others and we only can control ourselves. This gets to me because I do not control how hard the emotions hit me when I get overwhelmed. I can control things by keeping away from people and isolating myself but is that the way?

Expressing anger is something I still have an extremely hard time with. I feel guilt when I get angry up to a point that that too hurts me, because I don’t know how my anger affects another. I don’t know how I should be expressing anger. What is acceptable? I should be allowed to express my “negative” emotions when someone has caused them, up to a certain degree ofcourse.

If I don’t tell someone that I’m hurting and how they are hurting me, how would they know. My wounds are not bleeding and not vissible. I’m starting to feel more and more alone with no one who understands me and gets me. Being let down by everyone who I give that chance pulls me further towards this lurking depression and I’m getting exgausted trying to fight it.

Picking myself up again and again without support is difficult not because I can’t but because the endless cycle of pain. I want to end that cycle. I need the pain to stop. I’m exhausted and it affects my whole being. I’m not just a person who’s traunatized.

I’m a sweet loving, kind and caring person who’s creative and has a good sense of humor. I have a lot of energy. All this energy I have to use unfortunately now to battle what I’m going through and to keep myself on my feet. When so little positive energy cones in it drains all my own. Due to my traumas I don’t have the buffer to take on “bad’ things and still be that same kind and joyful person. The energy for that is all used up to deal with the negative.

So now I have a huge amount of guilt that I don’t have that energy and strength to get passed that even tho I know it’s because if my traumas which are not my fault. It’s too much for just one person to carry. Yet I don’t have a choice unless I decide to to end it drastically. But how is that a fair answer when I hurt others with that. I am respondible what that would cause and I wouldn’t wanna hurt someone else like that and leave my pain for the people I leave behind to deal with.

I need a support system, people around me who love me and care for me. Who are there for me like you normally would be for a loved one. Someone to put an arm around me and hug me. To make a cup of tea when I’m sick To cheer me up when I’m down, to make me feel I’m loved and cared for. To spend some time with when you need it. I haven’t had this in a long long time.

I’m hurting, if I can’t be the person on the other side of my pain at all anymore, then I don’t want to exist. I don’t want to be in pain all the time.

One of the reasons why I turn to my blog so much and write is because I don’t have that best friend that people can turn to and talk about whatever without the fear of being rejected. I don’t have that parent, grandmother, mentor, teacher or whoever that I can turn to for advice or share a thought or tell that dream to, or whatever.

So I write on my blog to share my thoughts and what’s on my mind. Sadly my blog is not a person. It doesn’t reflect on my thoughts and writings. It doesn’t give me advice, comforts me or answers my questions. It doesn’t share anything with me except what I write down on it.

I love my blog but right now I would trade it within a heartbeat for someone real. We all need somebody. I don’t have this somebody and that hurts. So I turn to my blog. Lol (not really lol). Knowing this feeling and have known it most of my life is a reason why I hardly ever turn my back on other people. I know this is not always good for my own boundaries but I know the feeling and it hurts. Very deeply and bad.

One of the most important things for people with traumas is to have a support system. At the same time it’s often also exactly what we don’t have.

My mind is trying to break free from this and find alternatives because I too don’t really have such support in my circle of “friends”. But I know there is no alternative. We are humans and need others in our life’s emotionally and practically. As many people there are who say they are self-made usually had people around them who supported them, emotionally l, financially and practically.

I honestly don’t know if I even have any real friends. Not everyone who supports you is a friend and few ppl who call themselfs my friend really supports me actively.

Those that say they are and care are usually those who don’t respect me and seek the edges of my boundaries to find any weaknesses. I wonder if I do the same. Maybe there are people in my circle who feel that way about me but just don’t speak out about it.

I know I have distanced myself from a few people that I used to call a friend because they only seem to be friends when I could do something for them and when it was the other way around and I needed them I could barely reach them if at all.

On another note, it is very hard to reach out to people for me. My traumas shaped me in a way we’re I was always on my own and I really had no one who would truly be there for me. It created a myth that reaching out to others for support and asking for help is a weakness and very scary. Because I feel very vulnerable at such times. Rejection at such moments is very difficult to take because of our traumas.

How hard it is to break from these circles and the fears that we as traumatized people have to overcome to break free from it is underestimated and misunderstood. Pity is not what we seek and true compassion and empathy is difficult for those who don’t know our traumas first hand.

So it often comes down to trust and respect to support those who are reaching out. And those who are the ones reaching out such as me as well gave to rely on trusting others and that’s usually the most broken thing in our system.

Who will truly understand that when we reach out in our own often complicated way how much we are in need of this support and who truly is capable of actually giving said support? How reasonable is it to expect support from our friends? Where are those borders that are Invissible that teaches us who our real friends are and who is not.

Can a friend really be a friend at that time when they don’t understand you? Is it fair to expect them to be your friend and support you when they don’t understand you? I’m struggling with these abd other questions on my search to find the people who I should keep in my circle and who I should not.

Just another example of how my trauma’s have damaged me and makes simple things that others don’t worry about in life, difficult for me.

I’m in a meltdown right now. I’m writing my thoughts so people may understand what I’m going through a little bit. I call it a meltdown, but I don’t really know if there’s a word for it. Its hard to define my emotions right now but even harder it is to define why n where each of them originated from, like from which trauma and what part is from the here and now..

At the moment I’m just hurting, I’m angry. I want to be comforted, I want to feel cared for and loved. I want to be able to look back on a past with a close friend or/and family who didn’t let me down big time with lies and betrayal. Someone who’s still part of my life.

Someone I can rely on besides myself and who will be there when I need to rant or just cry. I feel lonely in this and time keeps ticking. As I get older the chances to build such friendships seem to get slimmer because everyone is already estabilished with their friendship circles.

I feel extremely irrational and resentful now for not being able to get my needs taken care of by someone who knows and understands me. The pain right now is almost unbearable and I can’t seem to escape it. Again I have to sit it out by myself and endure while it exhaust me and takes all my energy.

I’m so angry, I hate this pain. I hate my C-PTSD. I want to scream and yell to let it out. But I don’t. I don’t want my neighbours to hear me and give them something to talk about. I have reacted to someone who wasn’t very thoughtful in his actions and words and who I expected from to be more thoughtful.

I don’t know if my expectations where reasonable, and just like my irrational flood of emotions triggered by unhealthy thoughts and feelings it’s probably not. I know when this passes as it already is calming down a little, shame and sadness kicks in which triggers another flood of painful emotions and causes another melt down. I’m trying to steer from thinking negatively about myself but it’s hard.

Because all I feel right now is that I don’t understand why my past happened to me. I just want to be happy. Just a day ago I was fine. Something seemingly unimportant happened and I end up being a complete mess. I know this is the moment for self-care it’s just almost impossible right now.

I want to talk to someobe who cares about me personally. Who I can cry with and who would comfort me. Feel safe. I can’t be that person myself as that would completely contradict this. I’m almost always alone and taking care of myself already.

Im gonna end my post as I don’t want to write now anymore. I’m exhausted and I’m going to try to relax and recharge a little before the next flood hits me soon with regret and shame.