Its been a long time since I have written a new post in my blog. That simply is because I write when I feel like I have something to share not because I have to share something. I want it to have a certain meaning. A conversation I had with someone today lead me onto some thoughts and thats what I want to write about now. Its just that simple.

Life is all about exploring, learning and growing and that in the biggest sense of these words that you can imagine. Not only physically but also emotionally. Dealing with the things that we learn and what we grow into can be the hardest things we do. I say can because each of our paths are different.

Often have I wondered (and who hasn’t) why me? why now? The answers to these questions are more simple then we like to think but not everyone really wants to see it. Yes, things happen for a reason but I do not believe that the future is already written in details. We create our own future by going down a certain path or climbing up a certain mountain. Up to a certain point.

Up to a certain point? Yes because we are not alone in this world and we are not alone on a journey in this life to meet our futures. Just think about it. If one specific event had not or had taken place in your life, your life could have looked completely different.

The person that you are today could be a totally different person then who you where 10 years ago. Simply because of what life has thrown at you. Who we are and who we are with (or who’s with us) however is a strong factor in how we get out of it or through it.

Aside of all of this, “Up to a certain point” as the title of this post, was chosen on purpose. If you like to know why I chosen this title on a purpose for this specific piece, read or skim through the contents of the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy on certainity. It may help you understand my article even more.

In my journey to healing from c-ptsd, I have reflected on my history, my life, and so many aspects of it over and over again. One part I found very particularly difficult to touch is narcissism.

First of all many narcissists will deny the fact they are narcissists simply because “they claim to be the victim” and show or admit to being at fault or taking responsibility for their actions will put them at fault. Though most of them don’t even know they are a narcissist their insight and self-awareness is very limited. So either way, the ability that they are a problem or causing a problem will not happen.

I have asked myself why I found that so difficult. I felt shame. Because in the end, I was at fault for not removing myself from a harmful situation, for putting myself at risk. The shame comes from the fact that I played my role as supply, knowingly. Not wanting to accept the facts. I still don’t want to.

Because I have c-PTSD and I am still dealing with it it’s easy to put me as the one that caused the problems in the first place. after all, I have been diagnosed with a personality disorder and I do trigger and react particularly strongly when the trigger button keeps being pushed.

The manipulation and abuse are often very subtle. Masked as jokes which truly are just jabs at you. They twist and turn things and pull things from an argument or conversation up to a point where even you believe you did something wrong.

The fact that I have c-ptsd however does not make me any less a victim of narcissistic abuse. No matter what they say. ESPECIALLY what THEY say. Because remember they are the manipulator, the gaslighter, and the abuser who wants you to feel that it’s all your fault.

Show them proof that they were wrong and you end up still being at fault in the end because “you didn’t trust them” or “have no business checking upon them”. You don’t need to convince them of what they did wrong but yourself so you don’t go back and give them the love you should be giving yourself.

Sometimes you might have done something or reacted and said something that’s not appropriate, controversial, or kind and loving. However, you know this, feel bad about this, and apologize for this genuinely because you are not a narcissist. The narcissist however rarely ever apologizes for anything because they had a solid reason for their actions which is your fault if you believe them.

Many aspects of narcissism do not match all narcissists. Just like with C-PTSD we do not all have the same symptoms simply because we all are different people and have different lives and experiences that have affected us to become who we are. Narcissism comes in many guises and levels and can be hard to spot especially early on in the relationship.

Not every Narcissist has NPD. Narcissism is a spectrum. Those at the highest end may be classified and diagnosed with NPD but others with narcissistic traits will be lower on the spectrum. However, that doesn’t make them necessarily less abusive or harmful.

I do believe that they can heal and let go of narcissistic behavior. It’s a learned behavior so it can be unlearned. They are people like you and me and have feelings and emotions. Just like with C-PTSD they have a hard time dealing with it.

Even when I feel so much shame, I write about this in my blog as a reminder to myself when I am having a hard time. I love who I am, a loyal, kind, loving, and empathic person. And they loved me for that, or I would not have been their supply.

edit: This post has been one that I have been trying to write for a long time but couldn’t find the right setting to write it in. I think I have captured a lot of what I wanted to say. Being healed from a lot of the damage they caused I guess helped a lot in finishing this post and it put my mind off other things I have been dealing with lately.

Someone told me that I’m afraid to be alone, it’s true in certain situations that I rather not be alone but I wouldn’t call that fear and it’s not that often. When I feel really low I know it’s better not to be alone even though I want to. Because I’ll drown in my misery.

As a child I used to be scared alone in the dark, I still am. I realized when you are alone in the dark, there’s actually nobody to be scared of because there’s no one that can hurt you. My fear in the dark is in what I don’t see. It is easy to hide in the dark because your view is less. But that aside. Try putting that in perspective with my fears and social anxiety for example.

It’s the opposite. When there are others around they can hurt you. and then you may have reasons to be scared. Especially when you have Complex PTSD.

Learning that it’s safe to love and safe to be loved just like to be trusted and to trust is important ground to cover. There is a lot to gain when it comes to healing from C-PTSD when given the opportunity.

Though there needs to be genuine feelings and connections between me and the other person(s). Where you can find that place to be just yourself. Which is rare. Very rare. You can’t force love and friendships. I found that place with someone. Someone very special to me.

For now, I am back to where I came from. Alone. Am I scared? No. I’m very sad, feeling lonely and it hurts. But I’ll keep that to myself mostly.

No one can say I didn’t try. Because I did. This doesn’t mean I’ve given up. It just means I’m not trying to force what I can not force and be patient. I still try to keep holding on to what I believe in. Love will find its way. <3

Being pushed with my face on the hard truths after a trigger is truthfully painful. Yes, pun intended.

Today I have faced and learned the truth about my own impatience when I am in crisis. I have realized I am “hiding” behind the fact that I have C-PTSD. Realizing that I have used it as a shield hurts a lot. I have said it too many times, ” I can’t help it I have C-PTSD ” Which is partly true. I do have C-Ptsd but I am still responsible for my own actions. This is, to begin with, the reason why I have been working so hard on healing. And then coming to the conclusion that I didn’t take that responsibility like I should have been doing was a kick in the ass I rightfully deserved.

When I am in crisis I have no patience because there’s fear, intrusive thoughts, and emotional pain that takes over my rational thinking. I am ashamed of the fact that I couldn’t control these emotions. I handled it all wrong and I am sorry.

I don’t think there’s anything really that can excuse me from taking that responsibility.

Am I too hard on myself? I don’t think I am. I feel confident that I am able to learn to practice more patience I only hope and pray that those who love me and that I surround myself with will practice their patience with me as well while I am healing and learning. I am in fact actually grateful I was able to face this truth, it gives me the chance to do something with it.

I just wish I had this much insight when I am in fact in crisis. Let this be a wake-up call for me.

I just kicked my brother out of the house, he said you can’t cook… so I didn’t hesitate n shove him out.. now I realize that they removed my kitchen… was I a lil too fast forward? I am just kidding about that by the way I haven’t talked to my brother in years and I just needed an intro for this post about the renovation they do in my apartment. (and everyone else’s in the neighborhood)

They are literally Goin to do something in every space in my house, The balcony is going to be closed off, I get a new kitchen, new tiles in my kitchen, pipes in my bathroom being replaced, a new shower, cold bridges above every window in every room, the filter system is being renewed, the closet where my electric and gas meter is will be updated for solar energy (honestly I think they should put their plates on the roof.. but what do I know) they gonna put some old pipes in the wall.. no wait they replace some old pipes n put them in the walls, yeah I’m pretty sure that’s what they will do and they going to build a closet around the heating system (boiler and cv).

So I’m sleeping in the next few weeks like I own a weed plantage, with garbage bags taped against the windows o.o. Let’s just hope my energy bill doesn’t go up.

So this means very little streaming for me for a while so instead I will do a lot more supporting other ppls streams which I usually didn’t have much time for because I normally always stream insane hours! Maybe I can stream a little in the later afternoon and perhaps in the weekend on Saturday mornings. We will see.