In my journey to healing from c-ptsd, I have reflected on my history, my life, and so many aspects of it over and over again. One part I found very particularly difficult to touch is narcissism.

First of all many narcissists will deny the fact they are narcissists simply because “they claim to be the victim” and show or admit to being at fault or taking responsibility for their actions will put them at fault. Though most of them don’t even know they are a narcissist their insight and self-awareness is very limited. So either way, the ability that they are a problem or causing a problem will not happen.

I have asked myself why I found that so difficult. I felt shame. Because in the end, I was at fault for not removing myself from a harmful situation, for putting myself at risk. The shame comes from the fact that I played my role as supply, knowingly. Not wanting to accept the facts. I still don’t want to.

Because I have c-PTSD and I am still dealing with it it’s easy to put me as the one that caused the problems in the first place. after all, I have been diagnosed with a personality disorder and I do trigger and react particularly strongly when the trigger button keeps being pushed.

The manipulation and abuse are often very subtle. Masked as jokes which truly are just jabs at you. They twist and turn things and pull things from an argument or conversation up to a point where even you believe you did something wrong.

The fact that I have c-ptsd however does not make me any less a victim of narcissistic abuse. No matter what they say. ESPECIALLY what THEY say. Because remember they are the manipulator, the gaslighter, and the abuser who wants you to feel that it’s all your fault.

Show them proof that they were wrong and you end up still being at fault in the end because “you didn’t trust them” or “have no business checking upon them”. You don’t need to convince them of what they did wrong but yourself so you don’t go back and give them the love you should be giving yourself.

Sometimes you might have done something or reacted and said something that’s not appropriate, controversial, or kind and loving. However, you know this, feel bad about this, and apologize for this genuinely because you are not a narcissist. The narcissist however rarely ever apologizes for anything because they had a solid reason for their actions which is your fault if you believe them.

Many aspects of narcissism do not match all narcissists. Just like with C-PTSD we do not all have the same symptoms simply because we all are different people and have different lives and experiences that have affected us to become who we are. Narcissism comes in many guises and levels and can be hard to spot especially early on in the relationship.

Not every Narcissist has NPD. Narcissism is a spectrum. Those at the highest end may be classified and diagnosed with NPD but others with narcissistic traits will be lower on the spectrum. However, that doesn’t make them necessarily less abusive or harmful.

I do believe that they can heal and let go of narcissistic behavior. It’s a learned behavior so it can be unlearned. They are people like you and me and have feelings and emotions. Just like with C-PTSD they have a hard time dealing with it.

Even when I feel so much shame, I write about this in my blog as a reminder to myself when I am having a hard time. I love who I am, a loyal, kind, loving, and empathic person. And they loved me for that, or I would not have been their supply.

edit: This post has been one that I have been trying to write for a long time but couldn’t find the right setting to write it in. I think I have captured a lot of what I wanted to say. Being healed from a lot of the damage they caused I guess helped a lot in finishing this post and it put my mind off other things I have been dealing with lately.

Being pushed with my face on the hard truths after a trigger is truthfully painful. Yes, pun intended.

Today I have faced and learned the truth about my own impatience when I am in crisis. I have realized I am “hiding” behind the fact that I have C-PTSD. Realizing that I have used it as a shield hurts a lot. I have said it too many times, ” I can’t help it I have C-PTSD ” Which is partly true. I do have C-Ptsd but I am still responsible for my own actions. This is, to begin with, the reason why I have been working so hard on healing. And then coming to the conclusion that I didn’t take that responsibility like I should have been doing was a kick in the ass I rightfully deserved.

When I am in crisis I have no patience because there’s fear, intrusive thoughts, and emotional pain that takes over my rational thinking. I am ashamed of the fact that I couldn’t control these emotions. I handled it all wrong and I am sorry.

I don’t think there’s anything really that can excuse me from taking that responsibility.

Am I too hard on myself? I don’t think I am. I feel confident that I am able to learn to practice more patience I only hope and pray that those who love me and that I surround myself with will practice their patience with me as well while I am healing and learning. I am in fact actually grateful I was able to face this truth, it gives me the chance to do something with it.

I just wish I had this much insight when I am in fact in crisis. Let this be a wake-up call for me.

Every so often I get challenged with questions about my symptoms and my self diagnose of C-PTSD. Understandable from one point of view but at the same time the other side of the coin is that it hurts, a lot. One of the things that I’ve been challenged with a few times is my memory loss, my short term memory damage that I have to deal with. It’s opted a few times that it’s a selective memory that I have.

It’s very painful to go from a very good memory to someone who has a very bad memory. I was a student who didn’t have to study for her exams, A child who won most memory games. Today I have to write things down I want to remember and set a timer to be reminded about events. It’s very painful that the symptoms of abuse, done to me by other people are being used against me.

I have not received an official diagnosis of C-PTSD because it’s not in the DSM 5. That’s why simple as is. In the next DSM, it will be listed and you will see that more people will be (unfortunately) receiving the diagnose of C-PTSD. However at the beginning of my healing journey when I went to my doc the first time and they forwarded me to the trauma center who treated me The diagnose I was given was C-PTSD. That’s what my doctor wrote down.

Since my first appointment was still far away I started to research C-PTSD and I found Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. From thinking I was losing my mind and going insane I suddenly had a lot of lightbulbs around me flashing on one after another. I started to understand what was happening to me was the result of trauma, abuse and I was definitely not going insane At a much later appointment with that same doctor and it was discussed again I found out they meant Chronic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. However, that doesn’t match with the abuse I’ve gone through.

PTSD is mostly caused by single event trauma at any point in life whereas C-PTSD is caused by severe ongoing trauma starting in early childhood and is usually caused by several types of abuse.

The trauma center specialized in my type of trauma never gave me any single diagnosis they just treated me for my symptoms. Treatments that have been given for people with C-PTSD and when I say C-PTSD I mean Complex PTSD. It makes sense because C-PTSD is known to have such a variety of symptoms that overlap symptoms of other mental health problems that they simply don’t want to be misdiagnosed by anyone and it’s as mentioned before NOT in the DSM 5. Treatments that have been given for people with C-PTSD and when I say C-PTSD I mean Complex PTSD.

“The stress of PTSD can have an adverse effect on memory. Specifically, this can have severe effects on the hippocampus, including a decrease in hippocampus volume, causing problems with transferring short–term to long–term memory, and with the formation of short–term memories” Quoted from Wikipedia

“According to recent research, the hippocampus, an organ in your brain, literally shrinks by 8 percent in the brains of PTSD sufferers. That’s a significant problem because the hippocampus is responsible for regulating emotion, storing long-term memory, and sorting old and new memories.” Quoted from April Lyons

Stress can cause acute and chronic changes in certain brain areas which can cause long-term damage. Over-secretion of stress hormones most frequently impairs long-term delayed recall memory but can enhance short-term immediate recall memory. This enhancement is particularly relative to emotional memory. Quoted from Wikipedia

I have been sexually, physically, and emotionally abused, I don’t have a selective memory, I have C-PTSD. It’s hard enough already to deal with everything I meet with throughout my day without having to defend myself for my symptoms. Especially in stressful situations, when I’m trying to focus on not dissociating and when my anxiety pops up which is all the time or when I have a panic attack less or more severe, memory loss is a serious symptom I have to deal with. I have a hard time recalling words I want to use in my sentences or I forgot what I was going to say or what someone else said a minute ago. And that are just a few examples that make communicating hard for me sometimes more than other times.

I am sorry but not sorry for the inconvenience it causes for other people because it is not my fault and I am working hard on my healing every single day and with that, I am taking my responsibility.

Sleeping problems are very common for people with C-PTSD. There are quite a number of different problems that we can have and honestly, I can not identify all of them since I have not been aware of all of them. So I will stick to those that I have been experiencing myself or that I am still experiencing.

My sleeping problems begin with insomnia. I have periods of time that I hardly sleep at all. This is caused by heightened adrenaline in my body. When I am finally able to sleep I am often still very alert which causes me to sleep extremely light and I wake up between 4 to 8 times a night sometimes. This results in me not getting the sleep I need and extreme exhaustion obviously which affects my overall vulnerability.

Sleep para;ysis is another one on my list. It comes and goes I’m assuming it’s connected to my stress level. I am not as much in panic anymore when it happens and I have my anxiety under control rather fast usually too now.

I used to have sweat nights, I don’t know how to call them else but I recently learned that I’m not the only one with C=PTSD experiencing those. Now I don’t have those anymore for a while already which I am grateful for. I would wake up from a dream or nightmare or something else and finding myself and my sheets wet from sweating. It is been a long time since I have had one of those. Not complaining.

Of course, the Nightmares or Night terrors as they vary in fear level both are existing terms. When woken up by nightmares (Night terrors are a lot less frequent now) I am able to control my anxiety, fear, and disturbance a lot better and often I’m able to go back to sleep after a little while. Aside from those, there are dreams that tell me things that often disturb me. And last but not least te random waking up knowing by a feeling that doesn’t seem to come from me. I don’t like to go into detail about these though.

Apart from all the issues, I do enjoy the nights.. the silence.. the peace of mind that I get when being the only one awake. Not feeling others and not having to be on my guard might be the causes of this peaceful feeling. I love my silent nights.

I have chosen to post this list of my boundaries so I can access it always anywhere to remind myself of these things, but also because other people may find it of use when they are having a hard time making their own boundaries. I know I had a hard time with it.

One of the things I became aware of is that setting boundaries once you know what they are, is the easiest part. To maintain them however is not.

My healing journey where I am now putting down my boundaries is going to be one of trial and error I am very well aware of this. However in the past I have learned that I am allowed to fall and make mistakes and then try again with the experience I have gained.

First I made a little list for myself of things that I think I need to be able to be successfully maintaining my healthy boundaries.

• I need self-awareness. (check)
• I need to recognize my needs. (getting better at it)
• I need to seek support (hard without a support system but I am trying)
• I need to be assertive in a healthy way (still difficult)
• I need self-care (eating is hard but I manage, sleeping is a problem still, and I make sure I take y CBD oil)
• I need to be direct about my boundaries (learning phase)
• I need to name my limits. ( I don’t like doing things half, so it’s difficult)
• I need to get more self-esteem/confidence. (hopefully, my next therapy will help)

The next list shows what I have accomplished so far.

• I have been working hard on being self-aware since I started my therapy and I’m constantly working on that still.
• I am recognizing my needs more and more due to become more self-aware.
• My needs in a relationship with a partner are not the same as my needs in a relationship with family or friends. (I’m still working on the “friends needs” list)
• My needs in a relationship can be defined by intimacy, compassion, respect, support, trust, affection, attention.

And now finally my list of boundaries. This list is still a work in progress and therefore will be changing over time as I see fit. I probably will reword this list over time and combine things or simplify it. I know this list may seem strange to people who have no issues with boundaries but understand that these are things I have difficulties with because of my traumas.

• If I want to spend time doing things alone or with people other then my partner then I should be able to if this is not something that would harm my partner in any way or our relationship.
• I speak up about my wants and needs and allow others to do so as well.
• I give my partner the space to do things he wants to do without me with other people if he wants to as long as they do not harm me or our relationship.
• I have the right to say what I need to say without being interrupted. If I am being interrupted I have the right to say something about that. If this is a problem I have the right to choose to leave the conversation.
• When I interrupt my partner (or anyone else) when he is talking then he has the right to call me on it and I should listen and let him finish talking. If this is a problem and I don’t allow that then he has the right to choose to leave the conversation.
• I have the right to be angry at my partner or other people. I should be aware of how I act and behave when I am angry and stay rational. I am allowed to let you know that I am angry at you and why.
• My partner is allowed to be angry at me and so are other people. I do not have to make sure to fit everyone’s needs so they do not get angry at me however the consequences will be mine to carry.
• I take the time I need to do the things I need to do or want to do for myself.
• I let my partner and others do the things he/they need to do and want to do and give him/ the time he needs to do for that
• I can be friends with anyone I want as long as this does not harm my relationship. He has the right to let me know if one of my friendships bothers him. It is up to me what I do with this information.
• My partner can be friends with who he wants when it does not harm our relationship. I have the right to let him know when one of his friendships bothers me. It is up to him what he does with that information.
• If my partner or anyone else yells at me during a conversation I will let him know to stop yelling, If he refuses I will leave the conversation.
• If I yell at my partner or anyone else yells at me during a conversation he has the right to tell me to stop and if I refuse or continue he has the right to leave the conversation.
• I have the right to say what I need to say in a conversation as much as the other person does as long as it’s in a civil manner.
• Other people need to be able to say to me what they need to say when it is in a civil manner.
• If my partner or anyone else chooses to befriend someone who has harmed me or is harming me then I have the right to distance myself from them to protect myself.
• I do not have to allow other people to touch me and I have the right to speak up about it. I also have the right to protect my personal space. I give the same respect to others.
• When I or my boundaries have been disrespected or trust has been broken then I will maintain a safe distance from these people as I see fit until I feel this trust and respect has been restored to a point that this distance I created is no longer needed.
• I will apologize on my own when I believe I have wronged someone on purpose or by accident. I do not have to apologize just because other people say so. Neither will I force others to apologize to me.
• I share my personal information in an appropriate way. I try not to overshare or under-share
• When I say no, others will have to respect this. If they don’t then I have to right to distance myself from them. I will respect others when they say no to me.
• I decide how I feel about something. My feelings are my own and others have to respect them just as well as I will respect other peoples feelings. It is not up to me to decide how they should feel about something.
• I won’t play mind games and people who I believe play mind games with me I will distance myself from.