Meltdown
I’m in a meltdown right now. I’m writing my thoughts so people may understand what I’m going through a little bit. I call it a meltdown, but I don’t really know if there’s a word for it. Its hard to define my emotions right now but even harder it is to define why n where each of them originated from, like from which trauma and what part is from the here and now..
At the moment I’m just hurting, I’m angry. I want to be comforted, I want to feel cared for and loved. I want to be able to look back on a past with a close friend or/and family who didn’t let me down big time with lies and betrayal. Someone who’s still part of my life.
Someone I can rely on besides myself and who will be there when I need to rant or just cry. I feel lonely in this and time keeps ticking. As I get older the chances to build such friendships seem to get slimmer because everyone is already estabilished with their friendship circles.
I feel extremely irrational and resentful now for not being able to get my needs taken care of by someone who knows and understands me. The pain right now is almost unbearable and I can’t seem to escape it. Again I have to sit it out by myself and endure while it exhaust me and takes all my energy.
I’m so angry, I hate this pain. I hate my C-PTSD. I want to scream and yell to let it out. But I don’t. I don’t want my neighbours to hear me and give them something to talk about. I have reacted to someone who wasn’t very thoughtful in his actions and words and who I expected from to be more thoughtful.
I don’t know if my expectations where reasonable, and just like my irrational flood of emotions triggered by unhealthy thoughts and feelings it’s probably not. I know when this passes as it already is calming down a little, shame and sadness kicks in which triggers another flood of painful emotions and causes another melt down. I’m trying to steer from thinking negatively about myself but it’s hard.
Because all I feel right now is that I don’t understand why my past happened to me. I just want to be happy. Just a day ago I was fine. Something seemingly unimportant happened and I end up being a complete mess. I know this is the moment for self-care it’s just almost impossible right now.
I want to talk to someobe who cares about me personally. Who I can cry with and who would comfort me. Feel safe. I can’t be that person myself as that would completely contradict this. I’m almost always alone and taking care of myself already.
Im gonna end my post as I don’t want to write now anymore. I’m exhausted and I’m going to try to relax and recharge a little before the next flood hits me soon with regret and shame.
