Early on even before we are born the trauma experience already begin if we are being exposed (as strange as that sounds when we are not even born yet) to situations that we don’t feel safe. Let me quote another few lines from ” The 5 Personality Patterns” by Steven Kessler.

“If something in her early environment/womb does not feel safe and loving enough, but instead shocks and scares her, then she won’t have this felt sense of safety in her body and she won’t be able to fully orient to the physical world and attach to it and her body. She won’t believe the physical world is safe and she won’t expect that her needs will be filled by anybody.”

Now when I think of this and reflect on this it brings me more and more understanding again of who I am. I know my father was a violent man. He was an alcoholic as well. I do not know a lot about him since he left us when I and my brother were still at an early age however from the few stories I have heard about how aggressive he was even I assume that was not any different when my mother was pregnant.

I have already always suspected this since I found out and learned more about my C-PTSD, however having this confirmed does make me feel more secure in my own findings. It underlines my realizations of not having memories of pre-trauma me. This brings more and more trust in myself and with that, I feel a little bit more secure and safe within myself which on its own is a big win in my healing progress.

At the same time, it brings sadness because this also means that my two daughters also may have been exposed to trauma even before their birth altho I can not remember any cruelties during my pregnancy my own state of mind obviously has an impact on this too. Since I was already traumatized even though I had not been diagnosed that does not change their experience. I know not to keep hanging in that feeling because it was not my fault and it is not helping.

Learning about my traumas affects my healing a lot and helps me acquire and learn how the use the new skill sets I receive. I am grateful for this process.

I never thought The baby would be later than my due date… But here we are.. 2 days after the due date and I still don’t hold her in my arms.. Everyone and me too ofcourse is waiting anxious  for her.  The house is now far enough ready to give her a nice home and place to sleep with us in our bedroom in her own new little bed, the funeral is behind us and we all think its time to welcome her into this world. But it looks like she’s comfortable inside there and don’t wanna come out yet…

She is moving a lot and everytime she turns her butt for as far as still possible its hurting me more and more.. well maybe not really hurting but it is absolutely not a nice feeling anymore, especially when she is moving in the lower parts of my tummy. My back is hurting more and more laying down is difficult and hard to find a comfortable way to lay. Sitting on the normal diner chair is at the moment the most comfortable. walking and standing is getting harder and harder.

Tomorow I have another appointment at the midwife and I am curious what she will have to say about it… Whenever I have news, ofcourse I will post it! Take care!!!

Midwife made an appointment for me at the hospital for the 27th of July, I will be 41 weeks pregnant exactly. The plan is that they will check if there is enough water in the womb and I will get a  ctg-scan. A CTG-scan registrates the action in my womb made by the baby and if I am having hard tummies. So far the news…

Ok so yeah I’m 28 weeks pregnant now and the clock keeps ticking. My tummy has grown a lot bigger and I have been gaining a couple more kilos.. which is a good thing.. losing weight in my condition is not a good thing now. My weight now is about 59 kilos so no I am still not a heavy person 😛

I have new pictures but I am lazy and havent edited them yet. I plan on doing that in my next post. Sorry ppls  but that only means more pics next update :).

I am doing well.. I dont throw up anymore much at the moment. Actualy it be very rare if I would now. I have other problems to deal with now.. I am currently using a wheelchair  for when we go somewhere simply because I cant walk much anymore due to the pain in my back. I ignored the signs my body was sending and I simply overdid it. My own fault.  So I made some calls and found out i could borrow a wheelchair for a couple months which is really usefull now else I wouldnt be able to go anywhere much at all..  It is weird though… AND it was not an easy decision but now, I am glad I did made that decision. I sit comfortable and I finally can go outside again. Maybe even get a little tan XD.

Still the stomach acid burn in my throat but I can control that a little bit depending on the food i been eating..  I have a bladder infection currently and using medication against it. I hope it will work.. I surely don’t want to end up in the hospital because we have a lot comming at us.

We finally got a new appartement and may 5 we will be signing the contract for it. Ofcourse when I write about that there will be pictures. We will have a lot of work to do there and when I say we.. I mean ofc Antonio because in this condition I can not do much myself.. I just hope to be able to do some cleaning at least and I probaly can pack stuff in at home to go to the new appartement.   BUT I will write more about that in a special update about our new appartement soon..

I know theres many promises and things to do for me left so maybe I should make a to do list for me here..  You know what!? I’ll just do that next time LOL.

The baby, shes doing great, growing well.. moving a lot and having the coolest parties inside my belly.. at least thats how it feels.. she moves constantly and I have no worries about her :).

So far this update.. maybe pictures next time!

Past half time!! XD well that is.. if my pregnancy is gonna last 40 weeks. However i do think its gonne be born earlier then that though, but we will see..

I feel good aside of the pain in my back and hips when we going somewhere that requiers a little walking i feel really good. No more throing up and my appetite is comming back too. Still cant eat and smell everything but yeah what a difference from the first 4 months… im gai ning weight back al be it a bit slow…  I am gaining..  and the less i gain, the less i have to loose afterwards. with my first pregnancy i total gained 7 kilos (14 pounds) on top of my normal weight and 7 days after i was right back on my normal weight. I was 55 kilos (110 pounds) before this pregnancy and I lost about 4  so i still have some catchign up to do XD.

At the ultrasound last thursday everything was fine, great actualy, the baby is perfectly healthy and growing just fine as normal. No problems could be found and the baby was very active during the ultrasound and even kicked the lady who was holding the ultrasound thingy on my belly hahaha.

So do we finally know wheter its gonna be a boy or a girl? yes we do know finally although it was a bit of trouble some to check that, eventualy the baby cooperated and we found out that we are gonna have a daughter!! 🙂 weeeee Im really happy the baby is healthy in the first place of course, but secondly I was kinda hoping it was gonna be a babygirl so yeah I’m happy with that news too.. Well if it had been a boy i wouldnt have been less happy though XD just i think its more fun to shop for a girl and ofcourse since I allready have a daughter and have a lot of her clothes still from when she was a baby, I do have a bunch of clothes allready :).  My daughter that I allready have was born august 5  and I am now due juli 20.  Since she was pretty small i’m thinking that the seasons for the clothes are perfect too in this case. Would be quite different if  one would be born in june and the other in december right 🙂 Anyhow, we can hardly wait till our little princess is born!  Her name we like to keep privat and announce once she is born.

So stay tuned I keep you all posted!

Wow almost at half time! I feel a LOT better last 2 weeks, i only occasionally grab for the bucket. And i finally could enjoy KFC again! I am regaining weight again, got 2 kilos back Am at 53 kilos now. The baby is really active n kicking a lot a couple times a day.

I am trying to learn a spanish lullaby for the baby but thats  gonna take me some more practise.  I will post the lyrics here soon and maybe a sound file too… this comming thursday I will have another ultrasound and I likely will post again then.

Ok gonna keep this post short because I am tired. Night Night!