Guilt
One of the things I struggle with due to my C-PTSD is a very strong sense of responsibility and with that guilt and shame aswell. The guilt and shame is haunting me with everything I do. I am aware that I am not at fault for the abuse that caused my trauma. My reaction to trauma is normal but what gets to me is the fact that new situations trigger reactions that I don’t iseem to be able to control.
Everywhere I keep hearing and reading you are not in control of others and we only can control ourselves. This gets to me because I do not control how hard the emotions hit me when I get overwhelmed. I can control things by keeping away from people and isolating myself but is that the way?
Expressing anger is something I still have an extremely hard time with. I feel guilt when I get angry up to a point that that too hurts me, because I don’t know how my anger affects another. I don’t know how I should be expressing anger. What is acceptable? I should be allowed to express my “negative” emotions when someone has caused them, up to a certain degree ofcourse.
If I don’t tell someone that I’m hurting and how they are hurting me, how would they know. My wounds are not bleeding and not vissible. I’m starting to feel more and more alone with no one who understands me and gets me. Being let down by everyone who I give that chance pulls me further towards this lurking depression and I’m getting exgausted trying to fight it.
Picking myself up again and again without support is difficult not because I can’t but because the endless cycle of pain. I want to end that cycle. I need the pain to stop. I’m exhausted and it affects my whole being. I’m not just a person who’s traunatized.
I’m a sweet loving, kind and caring person who’s creative and has a good sense of humor. I have a lot of energy. All this energy I have to use unfortunately now to battle what I’m going through and to keep myself on my feet. When so little positive energy cones in it drains all my own. Due to my traumas I don’t have the buffer to take on “bad’ things and still be that same kind and joyful person. The energy for that is all used up to deal with the negative.
So now I have a huge amount of guilt that I don’t have that energy and strength to get passed that even tho I know it’s because if my traumas which are not my fault. It’s too much for just one person to carry. Yet I don’t have a choice unless I decide to to end it drastically. But how is that a fair answer when I hurt others with that. I am respondible what that would cause and I wouldn’t wanna hurt someone else like that and leave my pain for the people I leave behind to deal with.
I need a support system, people around me who love me and care for me. Who are there for me like you normally would be for a loved one. Someone to put an arm around me and hug me. To make a cup of tea when I’m sick To cheer me up when I’m down, to make me feel I’m loved and cared for. To spend some time with when you need it. I haven’t had this in a long long time.
I’m hurting, if I can’t be the person on the other side of my pain at all anymore, then I don’t want to exist. I don’t want to be in pain all the time.
