In my journey to healing from c-ptsd, I have reflected on my history, my life, and so many aspects of it over and over again. One part I found very particularly difficult to touch is narcissism.

First of all many narcissists will deny the fact they are narcissists simply because “they claim to be the victim” and show or admit to being at fault or taking responsibility for their actions will put them at fault. Though most of them don’t even know they are a narcissist their insight and self-awareness is very limited. So either way, the ability that they are a problem or causing a problem will not happen.

I have asked myself why I found that so difficult. I felt shame. Because in the end, I was at fault for not removing myself from a harmful situation, for putting myself at risk. The shame comes from the fact that I played my role as supply, knowingly. Not wanting to accept the facts. I still don’t want to.

Because I have c-PTSD and I am still dealing with it it’s easy to put me as the one that caused the problems in the first place. after all, I have been diagnosed with a personality disorder and I do trigger and react particularly strongly when the trigger button keeps being pushed.

The manipulation and abuse are often very subtle. Masked as jokes which truly are just jabs at you. They twist and turn things and pull things from an argument or conversation up to a point where even you believe you did something wrong.

The fact that I have c-ptsd however does not make me any less a victim of narcissistic abuse. No matter what they say. ESPECIALLY what THEY say. Because remember they are the manipulator, the gaslighter, and the abuser who wants you to feel that it’s all your fault.

Show them proof that they were wrong and you end up still being at fault in the end because “you didn’t trust them” or “have no business checking upon them”. You don’t need to convince them of what they did wrong but yourself so you don’t go back and give them the love you should be giving yourself.

Sometimes you might have done something or reacted and said something that’s not appropriate, controversial, or kind and loving. However, you know this, feel bad about this, and apologize for this genuinely because you are not a narcissist. The narcissist however rarely ever apologizes for anything because they had a solid reason for their actions which is your fault if you believe them.

Many aspects of narcissism do not match all narcissists. Just like with C-PTSD we do not all have the same symptoms simply because we all are different people and have different lives and experiences that have affected us to become who we are. Narcissism comes in many guises and levels and can be hard to spot especially early on in the relationship.

Not every Narcissist has NPD. Narcissism is a spectrum. Those at the highest end may be classified and diagnosed with NPD but others with narcissistic traits will be lower on the spectrum. However, that doesn’t make them necessarily less abusive or harmful.

I do believe that they can heal and let go of narcissistic behavior. It’s a learned behavior so it can be unlearned. They are people like you and me and have feelings and emotions. Just like with C-PTSD they have a hard time dealing with it.

Even when I feel so much shame, I write about this in my blog as a reminder to myself when I am having a hard time. I love who I am, a loyal, kind, loving, and empathic person. And they loved me for that, or I would not have been their supply.

edit: This post has been one that I have been trying to write for a long time but couldn’t find the right setting to write it in. I think I have captured a lot of what I wanted to say. Being healed from a lot of the damage they caused I guess helped a lot in finishing this post and it put my mind off other things I have been dealing with lately.

A few days ago I did an unboxing stream on my twitch channel. It was the first of a live stream that’s related to my crafting. I am planning to start doing crafting streams once I have my Elgato and a new webcam.

What did I unbox? I unboxed Pergamano crafting supplies. This was my Christmas gift of 2020 from a very sweet and thoughtful man. After he learned I had lost my crafting supplies a long time ago, he realized how much this has meant to me he told me that he wanted to replace these materials and tools for me. So he sends me on a shopping-spree online (since we have a lock-down and everything is closed) and I came home with like 500 euros worth of crafting supplies!

Finally delivered after a bunch of delays due to Brexit, covid, and out of stock of certain items. So when these items finally arrived I did an unboxing stream. Now I finally can get back into my crafting again! I appreciate this so much! <3

Perhaps now my last post also makes more sense after you read this one if you had not understood it yet, altho there’s a lot more meaning in it than just a replacement of my crafting tools. Pergamano crafting has been so soothing and calming for me. I can make beautiful things with it and I enjoy the time spend while crafting.

I hope to see you in one of my streams someday when I’m crafting (or gaming). My stream channel is at twitch.tv/lunatearz

Hugs to all and Much love and thanks to Ali!

“EVERYTHING YOU LOVE IS VERY LIKELY TO BE LOST, BUT IN THE END, LOVE WILL RETURN IN A DIFFERENT WAY.”

This is a quote that helps me a lot in my healing journey and I can find true meaning for myself. Especially now today for reason I don’t wish to share. That why I want to share this today here. It’s by Franz Kafka who was a novelist and short-story writer, he never married and never had children. He lived from 1883 until 1924.

When he was 40, he was strolling through Steglitz Park in Berlin, when he met a young girl crying her eyes out because she had lost her doll. Together they looked for the doll without success. Then Kafka told her to meet him there the next day and they would look again for the doll.

The next day, they still didn’t found the doll and Kafka gave the girl a letter that was supposedly written by the doll that said, “Please do not cry. I have gone on a trip to see the world. I’m going to write to you about my adventures.”  

That was the beginning of a story that continued to the end of Kafka’s life. 

Every time when Kafka and the girl would meet, Kafka read aloud his carefully composed letters of adventures and conversations about the doll, which the girl loved. Finally, Kafka read her a letter where the doll tells them she had come back to Berlin and he gave her a doll he had bought for her. “This does not look at all like my doll,” the girl said. Kafka handed her another letter that was reading: “My trips, they have changed me.” The girl then hugged the new doll and took it home with her.  

Many years later, the now grown-up girl found a letter tucked into an unnoticed crevice in the doll. The tiny letter, signed by Kafka, said, “Everything you love is very likely to be lost, but in the end, love will return in a different way.”

This story, this quote, tells me about replacing a love that’s lost and within my last relationship, I found so much truth in this that I was reminded about this quote and story. The love this man has given me has proven to be very healing. I feel blessed that we met. Thank you, Ali

How do you explain C-PTSD to another person? How do you explain the feelings that come with it when you yourself have no idea how to even call all the emotions that are running rampage through your body.

How do you explain to someone that just because another person who also happens to have C-PTSD and who appears to be very successful in certain areas that’, that doesn’t mean that you are supposed to be capable of these things too?

How do you explain what’s going on with you when you have to focus on keeping your reactions under control because your in the middle of an episode.

Partners, family, and friends of people with trauma, physically or mentally please do your research, talk about it with your partner, and be patient. And to those with the trauma, be patient with your partner. It IS hard to understand often because they don’t feel what you feel. they have not gone through and are not going through what you feel.

Some may have wondered if I am going to give the answer to the questions I have asked in this article, but I can’t. One person is not the other and your trauma is not mine. Some people are more open and willing to learn about another person’s trauma than another.

Some people are more empathic and understanding than others. Sometimes we just need to accept that we don’t understand something and simply accept what the other person is saying. You don’t always need to understand it. Just being there and listening and making the other person feel heard and not alone means a lot already.

What we feel is only for ourselves to feel. We have no right to tell another person how to feel. How we act on how we feel is our own responsibility and we have no right to blame another person for our own behavior. That being said, an action usually causes a reaction, we are all human keep that in mind and most of all just be mindful overall.

With all the pain of the break-up, I am still hurting from sometimes, I almost forgot the power of love and more importantly how to benefit from this strength within me. It’s not that I had completely forgotten it but when that pain floats ashore and you trip over it so that you have a face-sand experience it’s really hard to appreciate that what is left behind unanswered; Love.

A memory on facebook in the shape of a post I made a few years ago reminded me once again to use this love as well to heal and grow. You just need to see past the pain and realize its the attachment and the loss of a loved one that causes that pain. The love itself does not hurt. Love heals, love has given me the strength to forgive, the power to move on and the understanding to let go. The love I have for this person, however, has not changed or disappeared. It’s still there, in all strength.

How can I still love this person who has caused me so much hurt? Because he is so much more than just that. I am not going into detail but I am simply put not going to dismiss the good because of the pain. The good still outweighs it by far. So perhaps my sentence Omnia Vincit Amor may not make sense to others because we are not together anymore but those people may not understand that love is not the same as attachment.

I am moving on yes, no there is not anyone else in my life to fill up that space. But I am not going to keep hanging in the past. My moving on means I am healing from my wounds and learning from my own mistakes. The love I have for all what is dear to me is the main source of my strength.

Omnia Vincit Amor! <3