In my life like many others, I have gone through a lot of hardships and I’m sure there are still some to come. I don’t doubt this. And whether my hardships have been worse or not so worse from other people’s hardships is not the question. It doesn’t matter. It’s not a competition.

Right now with the coronavirus going on I wonder how many people will actually stand still a moment to reflect on life, their own and that of others and the impact they have on other people’s lives. Because right now each and everyone is responsible, not only for themselves but for others just alike. Social distancing is not about saving ourselves. It’s about saving others.

People have become so egocentric that they forget this to be the most important reason for social distancing. Just like quarantine, because you can not distance yourself from yourself physically so other then self-care there’s little we can do to protect ourselves.

Wash your hands because you may touch something and spread the virus without knowing and someone else might get seriously sick or worse die from the particles of the virus that you spread. Are you worried about your social life? I’m almost speechless. We have so many ways of communication digitally, it’s time to use it for something other than entertainment or work.

It’s over two weeks now that I have decided to stay indoors as much as possible. Now, this is not a great hardship for me, I always have been very isolated. But right now I barely go to the store and only leave my house to walk my dog. When I do I first wash my hands. When I go downstairs I bring the garbage I have with me to throw out and on my way back in I check my mailbox. When I come back to the house I open and read my mail, dispose of what I don’t need to keep. Then I wash my hands and clean my door handles and keys. I have always washed my hands a lot I’m just a little more aware of it now and wash them even more often.

I used to touch my face a lot but with this new awareness, I find it easy to not touch my face so much. Awareness, compassion, discipline, self-care, and self-control should be in the very first row of your lives now. And no that’s not selfish. That’s lifesaving.

What else can you do? Wear a mouth mask. When they are sold out you may try to sew your own for yourself and others. Or simply use a shawl. Because even those that are not the highest quality will limit the number of particles that leave your mouth and nose. Sometimes by speech other times by sneezing or coughing. To protect yourself you can wear eye protection. A mouth mask is not going to save your life. But that of others. Being the hero a lot of us dreams of being has become incredibly easy right now. Be that hero. Now is the time.

Corona (covid-19) is in Amsterdam and I am not talking about the beer. It’s not just in Amsterdam but basically almost everywhere in the world. It’s a pandemic. This virus started months ago In China if we can believe this is true.

Supposedly the cause is a bat but let’s leave it at that. What’s more important is what’s happening on site everywhere. China supposedly is finaly recovering. And Italy is past its peak as well. The rest of Europe is just starting to get infected and so is the Netherlands.

When the first person in Amsterdam was tested positive on Corona this turned out to be person working in the hospital not even 5 minutes away from me. I got worried seriously about our own wellbeing now. I do not have a great imune system. On top of that if I get seriously sick I dont have anyone who would look after me. And if I was to be hospitalized what would with my dog?

My youngest daughter? In quarantine I wouldn’t get to see her I assume. With my diagnose of CPTSD this would be devastating for me where I be diagnosed with a serious case of corona. I bought a few essential things instinctively and simply because they where on sale. No I wasn’t panic buying crazy amounts of items and products.

Tho I made sure I have a few extra milk I can keep outside the fridge and bread I can bake off in the oven in case there are going to be a limit number of shops open and if many get sick, there may be a limit of food to be distributed. So I bought an extra bag of pasta and 2 pots of pastasauce. I have plenty of meat in the freezer so I have no worries there.

I made a vegetable soup last Friday and as usual extra for in my freezer since I was all out. I did buy a new thermometer and alcohol for sterilization. One extra box of tissues and a pack of tea. I figured tea would be one of the first things I want if I get sick. The only thing I’m running low on and don’t have us dishwashing soap as it was all sold out everywhere.

I’m worried, I can’t afford to get sick my daughter needs me. So I do my best even more then normal to eat in time and get my sleep. I have been very carefully and washed my hands and cleaned extra.

When the news came last Wednesday evening that people should be staying home as much as possible and parents where not alowed in school unless really necessarily while the libraries, museums and other public places closed down I decided that I needed to take action and make a decision for our own health. So I called my daughter in sick.

4 days later the gouvernement finally decided to close schools too. And then the panic buying started and no toilet paper to be found in the stores anymore. I had seen Italy going on lockdown and how rapid the virus was spreading now here too and was not gonna take unneeded risks. Basically I’m in self isolation now as much as possible just like most ppl in the Netherlands now. My therapist will make calls instead if my appointments.

Why this post when every news blog is already posting about it? Well this is for me actually to look back on how it went down a little bit. For now appart from a little bit sore throat I’m good.

Stay healthy all!

I’m writing this article based on my own opinion AND researched information.

A friendship should be based on mutual respect. It’s equal like everything in that friendship relationship as much as possible. Sometimes someone is not capable of doing something. Not by choice. When a friend continuously lets you down knowingly when you need support emotionally or practically it’s time to start wondering if they truly are your friend and care as much as they say they do.

Friends share a part of themselves that they don’t share with others, not like a romantic relationship but still on a personal base. If your conversations with each other are usually pretty one-sided and the other person barely shares anything about themselves that does not necessarily mean that they are not your friend. Some people are just like that. Not even on purpose, it’s just how they are. Others share a lot easier and perhaps may seem like too much. But that too doesn’t mean they are not your friend, they may just have more on their tab then you do.

Listening and being there for the other person for a reasonable amount of time is what friends do for each other. A friend doesn’t let another friend sit in the dark when they can be there for the other person. When you constantly are being told they have no time and they do have the time to spend with their other friends you may wonder too if they really appreciate you as much as a real friend should.

Other then the need friends have for each other based on their friendship friends usually like to hang out together and make time for this for each other. People who have a busy life with their work and their wife or husband and kids obviously would have a lot less time to share then a single person without a job. Take that into consideration.

Friends support each other and motivate each other into succession and if possible even help each other succeed in what they are trying to achieve.

In short, a friendship should be based mutual in respect and effort and time and friends should be considerate of each other’s situation in my opinion. No one should struggle alone when they have a friend who cares about them.

Don’t forget your own actions either, have they reached out to you maybe and gave you let them down by not giving home all the time? Maybe you have been so busy with things that you didn’t notice their need for your friendship.

Perhaps they don’t know they let you down and just an honest conversation with them may clear the air and save your friendship. In all relationships, it’s not the words being said that matter the most. It’s the actions you take that carry the most weight.

Last but not least don’t let anyone think you are their friend by telling them you care about them and love them and then knowingly keep letting them down when they reach out in times of need. That really hurts and to me, that’s a betrayal that can damage someone who is already suffering from low self-esteem even more. Be there for your friends and not only when it’s convenient for you. That’s what is called love and care.

Being selfish is ok but not at the cost of other people when there is no need for it.

Some things I am currently dealing with in my life are very serious and how instances deal with these things is very dissapointing. They refuse to take action and take care of the source of the problems and just want me to step it up even more. They want to intervene with my therapy and see how they can use that for these situations.

No, just no. My therapy is for my personal well being to deal with my own trsumas. I have been working hard and steady towards my own healing even tho I keep getting more and more hardships on my path that make this harder and harder for me.

My healing journey us now at a point that I am not focussing anymore on my traumas but rather have to use it to stay stabile with current issues at hand. This is not ok. The source of the problems need to be taken care if and not misuse my healing journey so that they don’t have to do their job.

I won’t stand for it and if I have to I will take it to court. I am traunatized and problems with the person in the past who causes my current stress lvl by not keeping to agreements and not picking up on his responsibilities should not be added to my list of things I need to work on. This is ridiculous!!!

Yes I am strong but having to be too strong for too long causes depression and the stressfull situation is adding to my C-PTSD. But my C-PTSD is not the root of the cause of these problems. I need wright being taken off me not more therapy to learn to deal with the extra weight. Take care of the damn load everyone keeps adding onto me!

If it comes to the point that I drop the all cause I can’t carry it anymore, abd trust me it’s heading that way, then all eyes are on me because I am failing to do what I should be doing. But these eyes are on me because I am in the picture because of my C-PTSD. No one needs to tell me I need help. Go tell the person who’s causing my issues and heightened stress lvl that is causing serious problems for my wellbeing to take care if HIS problems instead. I’m not the source!!!

One of the things they asked me was what I could do to find trust back in the other party who keep breaking agreements and causing my stress. So I looked them straight in the eyes. Nothing at all was my answer. That is NOT onto me! Trust needs to be earned and not given unless proven to be deserved after all the abuse me and my daughter had to deal with. At the sane time they speak of my therapy so I don’t get abused again. WTH. That’s why I’m not going to give trust someone who has proven and continue to proof that I can not trust them.

I am very angry, sad and dissapointed. And I realize that the way they handle this is going to add to my traumas.

Darkness comes when the light goes. Yet that does not have to be so bad. I can enjoy the silence of the night and the calmth that comes with that.

Yet when it’s light and I find myself in darkness it’s not so fun anymore. It would be nice not to have to endure it alone and have someone who’s there for you.

I know I try my hardest not to reach that point but when I do and find myself back in a depression I fought so hard I do not only have to deal with that depression but also with the shame of not being strong enough to keep from falling back into it.

Yet I know I’m carrying it all alone despite me reaching out to others. I have sought professional help with problems that where heavy to carry and I can not solve by myself because I am restricted by law to begin with. These instances have failed me time and time again.

I kept reaching out but to no prevail. It’s painfull and hard to find that even those who tell me they are my friends and love me and care about me are too busy with themselves to notice I’m hurting and need a little care. Even when I directly tell them I find myself alone.

These same people wonder why this world is so broken. This is for a great deal why I feel unloved and uncared for, lonely, hurting and depressed. Add shame and guilt because I wasn’t able to carry it all and because I am not the cheerfully happy funny cheerful mom I know can be when I’m not depressed.