Early on even before we are born the trauma experience already begin if we are being exposed (as strange as that sounds when we are not even born yet) to situations that we don’t feel safe. Let me quote another few lines from ” The 5 Personality Patterns” by Steven Kessler.

“If something in her early environment/womb does not feel safe and loving enough, but instead shocks and scares her, then she won’t have this felt sense of safety in her body and she won’t be able to fully orient to the physical world and attach to it and her body. She won’t believe the physical world is safe and she won’t expect that her needs will be filled by anybody.”

Now when I think of this and reflect on this it brings me more and more understanding again of who I am. I know my father was a violent man. He was an alcoholic as well. I do not know a lot about him since he left us when I and my brother were still at an early age however from the few stories I have heard about how aggressive he was even I assume that was not any different when my mother was pregnant.

I have already always suspected this since I found out and learned more about my C-PTSD, however having this confirmed does make me feel more secure in my own findings. It underlines my realizations of not having memories of pre-trauma me. This brings more and more trust in myself and with that, I feel a little bit more secure and safe within myself which on its own is a big win in my healing progress.

At the same time, it brings sadness because this also means that my two daughters also may have been exposed to trauma even before their birth altho I can not remember any cruelties during my pregnancy my own state of mind obviously has an impact on this too. Since I was already traumatized even though I had not been diagnosed that does not change their experience. I know not to keep hanging in that feeling because it was not my fault and it is not helping.

Learning about my traumas affects my healing a lot and helps me acquire and learn how the use the new skill sets I receive. I am grateful for this process.

So I was wrong I thought my daughter to be born either july 6 or 8… its ok though as long as shes sound n save in my tummy its cool with me..

The warmth isnt bothering me that much but the thick feet are getting annoying, I would like to be able to wear my own shoes again or at least slippers instead of Antonios slippers… I look so stupid with those big slippers…

Last week we took the most likely last pictures of my pregnancy because I’m expecting to give birth any day now.

The work in the appartment is still not finished ofcourse.. Since Antonio is completely workign alone and with this heatwave that we have going thats no surprise But he is moving on slowly and  the floor in the living and kitchen is completely done.. Now hes working on the hallway and part of my daughters room since its gfonna be put all in one piece..  Then he moves further in the hallway toward our bedroom and then do our bedroom when the hallway is finished

Next week I likely will hear when we receive my daughters bed and Antonio can finish the floor in her room so the bed can stand there  and she finally can start unpacking her stuff little by little and get to play with her toys n wear all her clothes again instead of being limited to the few I have found back now XD

And ofcourse as soon as the floor in the bedroom is done, our new bed can finally be put together there too and ourcloset as well so we have access to all our clothes again as well..

AND THEN we have room in the storages again so we can at least order the rest of the furniture and start working on the babyroom… I do expect the baby has been born by then and she will have to sleep in our room at first but hey I wont be complaining to keep my newborn close :).

Well thats all for now ill be posting again soon 🙂

Yeah yeah, I know I’m kinda late with more news and information but that’s mainly because I don’t have so much information at the moment. Everything is going fine appart from the “normal” pregnancy side effects :P.

Got burning accid ofcourse in my throat worse then ever, however I can eat pretty decent again I still can’t eat much because the baby is growing so  big now that its pushing my stomach up and when im eating too much it simply will come out again the same way it came in o.o; yeah I know too much details.. I am having cramps in my legs aswell wich is very annoying…

Our little princess is growing all right and I feel her move around all day and night still, so thats good as well I’m guessing.

My back is not very stabil and I’m still keeping my bed rest all day as much as possible because a little too much activity and I have a sore tummy and back and can barely walk. Antonio is taking good care of us and seriously does about everything around the house. I know I would have done things different and maybe more and have more eye for detail and such but I shouldnt complain when I am being taken so good care off.. he also takes care of my daughter ofcourse and I am very greatfull for all he does for us. We are still waiting to move and maybe are now in the run for an appartement actualy but i keep that down till I am sure :P  We just have to wait n see :).

I will update my tummy pictures again soon with some new ones so you all can see how I grow 😛 Take care all!

13 weeks and 5 days pregnant now. I am starting to feel better everyday. I still keep bed because i feel a little light in my head still and still have the acid burn in my stomach. I feel very tired quickly too.

I have ordered and received 2 crossstitch kits which I am working  now every free minut I have. Its a great way to kill time and I will have something that reminds me of these days of my pregnancy other then my child ofcourse after its born XD. When I was pregnant from my daughter I started building a website about my pregnancy and everythign baby related basically.

That site turned out to a 60 pages huge thing and it was the most visited dutch personal baby website  arround  1998 -1999.  It appeared in a small article in a dutch magazine for computer stuff and ofcourse it received tons of visitors in that period. After  a couple years I took it down. I still ahve all the files and pages ofcourse, so perhaps I could add a category at some point where I repost those  pregnancy diary stories. They where quite populair to my public at that time. Other then the pregnancy diary Ofcourse the site had a lot more to offer. It was arround that time not so easy to find cute lil animated babyimages. So I started to collect them and ofcourse posted them on my site for others to use on there pages. We had an award site, poetry. music, recipes, games and ofcourse after my daughter was born  the pictures and more stories about her daily adventures.

Right now I dont feel like doing the same kind of thing again. I allready did it right? so I’ think I’ll keep it to my blogging about it here.

My day’s are still the same, all day in bed and feeling sick n all o.o;. It is getting a little better and I am not taking the medication anymore. My midwife told me though that I have to keep watching my weight. I lost about 4 kilos now ( 8 pounds) and thas quite a lot since I am very lightweight allready.  My weight right now is 52 kilo (102 pounds).

I am having a change of doctor because the one we had was a bit far away and the new one is gonna be much closer. Especially now I am not feeling well this makes me feel way more comfortable.

I keep looking at baby rooms but we can not buy anything really since we are also looking for a new apartment.  I like something neutral colored and just make the details in the room colorful and matching. I really hope it wont take us long to find one… Poor Antonio will have to do all the painting in the house and perhaps wallpaper hanging, alone o.o;. At least for as long as I am pregnant and I really want to move before the baby is born o.o;. Sighs well, I’ll keep you guys posted here.