Fear is an emotion designed to protect us but when misunderstood it only offers you missed chances and it keeps you from seeing beyond your own world. Fear is sometimes disguised and not always recognized. Open your heart and mind and look beyond fear to experience elements of life that others don’t want you to find. The truest teacher is our own heart. Don’t let anyone else silence it.
As raw and painfully my healing journey is it’s healing and thruthfull even so more. Faith and trust in myself are rebuilding but with every healing journey it can be full of fallbacks and deceiving moments of glory.
I have learned not to celebrate my victories too soon and to accept that one step forward sometimes means two steps back. I have learned long way back that there is no one I can truly count on and trust. I find this a sad and extremely painful stain in my life. But it is what it is.
There will alway be those who can not appreciate you for they are too blind for the truth hidden below the scars. And this is a painful truth that does affect certain aspects of my journey tremendously. We should support another and not hold against them what they are battling so fiercefully already. I pray they find the wisdom in their heart to understand the complexity and simplicity of a healing journey all at once.
People always speak of letting go when the trauma topic comes to the table but what’s not so much brought up is how we have to unearthening ourselfs, like digging up a treasure from ancient times. Find my way back to the true self which many non traumatized people don’t even seem to have much knowledge of.
My healing journey is a difficult journey, dangerous and long winding because I will and have been extremely vulnerable during these times. That is something I have accepted from the beginning because I know I’m strong enough to carry it. I am not just a survivor, I am a warrior.
Healing is my goal but it’s a goal that keeps on moving forward because it’s a learning journey and education truly never ends. To live is to learn. So my focus is not on the end goal but on the path I walk during my journey.
My meditation sessions are very cleansing and strengthening. I look forward to better weather so I can take a trip to the sea again and let the elements of nature bring solace from the seemingly everlasting chaos that my spirit is battling. My intuition has grown stronger and I have learned that keeping what it teaches me to myself. I’ve found a renewed respect for this treasure I was given.
Sometimes I think about how in the old days life must have been like in the books I have been reading; “Earth’s children”. The journey back to such way of life is impossible to take anymore at this point with so many elements that won’t even allow this. But the slowly unfolding of what lays hidden deep inside myself still is a huge treasure on it’s own. I’m grateful for this beautiful journey.
Once every so often one can find a dead animal aside of the road or in the grass. They can be hit by traffic or if a bird, fly against a window of a vehicle or a building. At other times they are possibly caught by a cat or simply they were sick or just plain old.
Today my sweet dog peed on my daughter’s beautiful carpet that I had bought for her bedroom. No, don’t worry my dog is fine. But in order to get it cleaned and to make sure there would be no smell or stains left, I went to the store to get baking soda and cleaning vinegar. On my way to the store, I found a dead magpie laying in the middle of a grassy field. I like magpies. I see them a lot in my neighborhood and I usually have a pair visiting me on my balcony sometimes. I looked around to see if I saw its spouse somewhere but No other birds nearby to be heard or spotted.
I pondered about the dead magpie wondering what had caused his death as I continued my walk to the store. I felt bad for its partner because I know magpies usually live in pairs. On my way back home after I had all my groceries I was nearing the place where the dead magpie was laying in the grass again. As I came closer though I saw immediately it wasn’t alone anymore, there were two other smaller magpies gathering around it and when I looked around I saw a third on the roof of a building nearby making loud sounds, seemingly to alert all the other birds of the passing of one of their kind.
I kinda wished I had my phone with me but I had forgotten it at home because I was a little bit in a rush when I left, so I couldn’t take a picture or a video of the gathering. I realized I was the witness of a magpie funeral. I had heard of it before and read about it but never experienced it myself. “Rest well dear magpie,” I worded voiceless in my mind. ” You will be missed.” And I was sure of that last looking at how the other magpies gathered around it. I noticed one brought some grass to the bird and another pecked it gently.
A biker came near the other direction and startled the birds and they flew up to land in a tree not far. I took the chance to pass the place of mourning myself too so I wouldn’t startle the birds later on myself to go home. After I had passed I looked back at the ground again and the other birds already were back at its side. I saw more birds on another roof nearby. I assume they came to attend the funeral just as well.
I am grateful to have witnessed such respect they show their dead family member and for a few brief moments, I mourned with them. I thanked them and then went home with my groceries since that carpet wasn’t going to clean itself.
Dynamics of a simple sentence worded to you can be affected by your past more then we may realize. We often do not just only react to the actual moment but rather influenced by past experiences that may have nothing to do with the current situation. Which then makes us come across as overreacting. But the truth is we only overreacted to what happened outside of us while there’s a whole world happening inside of us.
Obviously this is subject to cause huge problems and difficulties in about any relationship since it is impossible for anyone to constantly and always be aware and know whats going on inside of you even if they know you very well and through and through. They can not and should not have to because they are a person on their own with their own feelings and experiences.
For those who don’t know what I am on about, I’ll give a small example that may make it recognizable. We all have our pasts and have dealt with less pleasant people and situations sometimes. In my example, everything starts out fine, with no complications.
After a difficult past with others, you find yourself ina brand new relationship and truly it’s a wonderful experience, until…
You both are about to go out and while you are still getting ready he is already waiting for you while you still seem to be unable to decide which shoes to wear. So he urges you by kindly and gently saying “Come on baby we’ll be late they are waiting on us.” Nothing wrong with that right? Though you respond irritated and upset that he needs to calm down and relax. Little does he know that you are still getting yourself mentally ready for this outing and that it’s more than just a choice of what shoes to wear.
Even less knowledge does he probably have of your past experience in a similar situation with a person who you were in an unhealthy relationship with that did not go so peacefully. YOU may even not even be immediately aware of how this past relationship affects this current situation. Yet the emotions and feelings from the past have been awakened now and this is not even necessarily accompanied by the awareness of the fact of the likeness of both situations or rather the differences.
When we learn to see the dynamic of this with our inner witness we can then learn how to evaluate the situation better and respond better rather than react emotionally. To be able to respond differently (internally or externally) we need to evaluate the current situation and ask ourselves if our emotions really match the current situation without letting ourselves be affected by our triggered emotions.
From this, we can learn a few things:
C-PTSD is a complex post-traumatic stress disorder and I have received this diagnosis because of my multiple traumas, starting in my early childhood. While growing up I had multiple different separated from each other traumatic experiences. This makes it extremely difficult and very energy and time consuming to do this because it’s very hard to tell all the emotions from each other.
On top of that, I have due to my traumas and my healing process a renewed freeze reaction because I’m aware I’m not always responding according to a situation, I developed a fear to respond wrongly so I freeze and don’t respond and rather find myself in a situation where I can’t respond due to my fears.
My mind at that moment is working overtime with so much happening at once and is trying to deal with the whole situation at hand. The emotions from the past, the current situation. trying to evaluate it and what my reaction at best should be. My lack of response has startled the other person who doesn’t realize the difficult momentum I find myself in and wonders why I don’t respond to something that’s quite a normal and healthy situation.
Still not bein able to respond adequately my fear grows and I may dissociate because of the overwhelming situation at hand now. I honestly find it difficult to explain how I may react now because I can’t tell at forehand. It happened I reached my wise mind in time and am able to respond well but I may have not and snap. My for the outside world unreasonable reaction is hard to understand and they may react to that themselves which may lead to a huge conflict that we can learn to avoid by training our own inner witness.
