As I am writing this I am still working through the anxiety that was caused a few days ago when I had another eye-opening revelation during one of my meditations. One of the reasons I isolate myself is because of the judgment I received in the past upon friendships I try to create with other people.

One of my exes from long ago was very aggressive, jealous and even physically violent. (actually, two were) As a person whos traumatized I already had isolated myself a lot and kept from trying to form new healthy friendships especially with people from the other gender due to this new relationship where I feared meeting the disapproval, anger or even worse from my partner at the time.

Even after that relationship was ended I didn’t form easily friendships with people again especially with people from the other gender. My isolation lasted and I did not even realize for a long time that I was in fact isolating myself. By the time I started realizing my isolation my social anxiety and fear of people had grown and to form friendships, in general, had become a huge problem for me. Altho it really did not seem to cause me many problems because I was used to be on my own and independent.

After time passes and I began to find new friendships with other people I also met my last partner.

He was/is codependent and very insecure and jealous. Together with my own issues and C-PTSD that did not go well in the long run. Once again forming friendships with other people became a problem. I didn’t want my relationships with other people to become a problem for my relationship with him so I kept from forming new friendships which with my life experience of isolating myself was really not that hard. Mind you this was mostly MY decision so no blame on him. He has supported me tremendously in the last three years.

This relationship is now over unfortunately and with everything that has happened at the end, there is no return to it unless there are drastic changes taking place which I don’t expect to happen. But my anxiety to form new friendships continues.

After I found out that he now has told people that I look for attention from other men during our relationship (he had told me this himself that he told them that) I triggered in the next few days after that, big time. I kept reviewing my own behavior and judging myself while being confronted with my fears every time anyone in the ark community that I play with talks to me or offers me any form of help. Or even other communities that I participate in IRL or in-game. With a history of being abused, I hardly trust anyone at all to begin with.

It makes me angry that especially my ex who has been cheating and flirting with others during our relationship and in between the breaks of our relationship lies about me in such a manner. I don’t know if he is trying to justify himself and his own behavior or is just still scared I find someone else and wants to use that to prove that he was right or maybe he is just angry because he is hurting. But the truth is I don’t need or want another relationship or even that kind of attention from any men. I never in my life have cheated on anyone in any of my relationships even.

Funny detail is that other people who KNOW he has cheated on me actually even believe him and supports those lies simply because they don’t know me and like him. The damage they do by enabling him and supporting that they don’t see I guess.

I understand how al lot of his behavior grows from fear and insecurity. And the whole relationship was not all bad at all. There was a huge understanding between us and we found peace and safety and calm in each other that we haven’t found anywhere else. Now to be truthful since he is codependent I do not know how true this really is from his end. He has lied so much to me and about me to other people that the truth is very difficult for me to see anymore between everything.

I am still dealing with the enormous loss that I feel since the relationship sudden ended and especially now I can use friends and people who support me I seem to reject and distance myself out of fear of judgment from other people. I have joined a supportive community on Facebook for people diagnosed with c-ptsd and this tends to be helpful but not filling that empty gap where I need a friend I dare to trust.

When I meet new ppl (especially online since IRL I isolate myself, even more, I only go outside if I really have to) I am only focussing on potential red flags. It begins with gender. If they are male I am by default cautious because they may have a second agenda and want more then friendship. Then everything I learn about them is another potential red flag even when it isn’t I make it one, as the simple fact if they are male! Women the same way I red flag because I have been betrayed by just the lot of them too.

It’s like an ongoing circle which I can only finally truly break if I meet genuine honest caring people that I feel comfortable with can form a closer friendship with. What I need to heal is a loving environment where I can feel safe and let my guard down for a while. I found this in my last partner and he helped me find some love for myself back again I’ll be always grateful for this.

Every time I am confronted with the lies from my ex no matter how subtle, I still get triggered and I have a hard time dealing with that. It makes no sense it shouldn’t matter anymore because he is my ex. Maybe its because he didn’t come clean about it and don’t seem to care he hurt my feelings why it still stings me but I wish I could leave it behind me. He probably doesn’t even know how much I actually know about these little lies. Ugh

I know I justify his behavior sometimes because I understand why. Though I should not be doing that. I was lied to and got hurt so why do I try to soften the circumstances? Is it because I feel I deserve to be lied to or because I still don’t value myself enough? Right now I’m just hurting and feeling worthless. It’s also really hard for me to let go that he told around that I look for attention from other guys when in fact it was the other way around. His girlfriends (even though he denies it) are checking on my Instagram account and then block me for whatever reason long after our breakup and I’m not even in his friendslist anymore.

This girl doesn’t know me IRL or online so it’s obvious that I am being talked about. (update: OR his sister cause now he said it was his sister who did that.) By the way, during our relationship, HE cheated and flirted around and has this list with loads of girls and potential people he could date or whatever. Funny how they rather believe someone that they know who cheated on me (he said he told them the truth about that but I don’t know) then someone they know nothing about except through hearsay by said ex or his family.

Not even when I was single during our breakups I looked, flirted or whatever with any other guys. I’m an introvert with social anxiety and demisexual LOL. WHAT you mean I want attention from other guys!?

I dare anyone I have tried getting such attention from to step forward and I myself will post their proof willingly and publicly unedited on my blog facebook AND Instagram, pictures, screenshots, text. sound, anything!

I am traumatized and diagnosed with C-PTSD. I am receiving already 5 years of professional therapy from one of Europes best centers for this type of trauma and knowing that I am still having a lot of healing to do I am continuing my therapy now in a similar center also specialized in this type of trauma. I know my behaviors are not always healthy and that in our relationship I caused him a lot of pain too. However, I never did this purposely and I have always been loyal and faithful. I have apologized again and again for the pain I caused. even tho he denies that I apologized I still have the emails and the youtube video I made with my apologies.

I actually really don’t talk with ppl much at all and I do wish I could many times but I am scared. I don’t really know for what but I become extremely anxious. scared they don’t want to talk with me or don’t like me or judge me. I don’t even really know how to start a conversation as I am not really someone who likes small talk.

Why does it matter so much to me when we broke up? Because again it feels like betrayal since it was the other way around I am reliving the whole cheating experience. Why I am posting this? Because I have no other means of being able to defend myself against such blatant lies.

I didn’t want to put all the dirty laundry out but I do hold the truth about me and as a matter of fact, I hold a LOT more truths I can come clean about from said ex or family if MORE lies will pop up that are being spread about me or to me. And yes I have screenshots to back it up because I have been betrayed so much in the past that that became a habit. Dang, I hate THIS! THIS I never wanted to happen between us. I wanted to get past the pain and hold on to the memories from the good times that we shared.

We believe often what we have been taught, especially when this has been taught from the day we were born.

Teachings and lessons go beyond those things you learn at schools and studies. Early on in life before we attend school we learn from what we experience at home and in our environment. From parents, siblings, family, friends, and neighbors. We learn from what we read, what we see, hear and experience. It is up to us to widen our viewpoint and extend with that the lessons and teachings we can receive.

The most important lessons are what we learn about how to take care of ourselves, others and the environment we live in and it’s good to keep learning from new teachings since as we grow older and our viewpoint becomes wider, situations change and what we may have learned in the past may turn out to be wrong teachings.

So never look down upon a new lesson to be learned, be open for the unknown, when you are ready your teacher will appear. That is a very important lesson I have learned during my healing journey. This teacher can be anything and anyone anywhere at any time. Be accepting of these new lessons and teachings and we grow as human beings. You are never too old to learn.

The more truths I come to realize and the more and the better I get to know my true self the more understanding I have for my own pain and trauma and the better focus I can have on my healing process.

In the past few years, I have addressed many different parts of my traumas because doing it all at once is just too much altogether. I’ve noticed that the healing of those parts accelerated more than the healing of other things.

I have learned that I heal the best in a healthy and loving relationship when supported by my loved ones in a loving environment. Unfortunately, this was at the cost of the health of my loved one many times. I failed to see how his unhealed wounds had reopened.

We tried to recover to heal and to fix it many times but I realize the damage was already done. The result was that we both ended up hurting and damaging each other unwillingly. We both made mistakes and we both have caused pain and we both are hurting because of that too.

I still love him so much but I know until we heal we can not be together in any way really if ever. Not as friends and certainly not as lovers no matter how much I long for this again. The pain between us is still fresh and too much. Neither of us has healed the causes of our issues either so until then or forever we pay the price.

I take the lessons I received from this and use them to heal. to become strong and a better me to withstand what my traumas bring me. I’m trying to find believe that they will only be part of my life If I allow it to be. Some days I succeed other days I don’t. I try not to overdo myself and take it one step at a time. I’ll use the love for him in my heart to help me fight this battle because I know it’s strong enough to withstand all.

C-PTSD and how it affects my everyday life. A must-read!

Complex-PTSD (CPTSD) is an under-recognized condition. While post-traumatic disorder (PTSD) occurs from acute and often single trauma, complex PTSD develops from ongoing or repeated interpersonal abuse usually started at a young age. This includes emotional, physical abuse and sexual abuse.

I have written down some of the things that I deal with on a daily base that affects my everyday life that others can’t imagine I am dealing with. And keep in mind that everything else normal people are dealing with, I am dealing with just the same. I am trying to raise my daughters in the very same messed up world.

Anything is a threat. Especially people, all kinds of people. I feel anxious by just the thought of going outside, let alone when I have to talk to people, and pretty much doing anything else. My brain is so used to stress, that it can’t regulate the stress and anxiety responses, so everything is perceived as a threat even when I am way past the stressful situation

I have to be always alert. (hypervigilance) Complex-PTSD affects the subconscious. That’s why I am always tense and anxious without me even realizing it and without any obvious reason that is visible or noticeable for other people. Even physical so almost always my muscles ache.

I never feel “safe.”  Even when I am alone at home. I don’t feel emotionally, physically and spiritually safe at any time almost. I’m always expecting the unexpectable to happen. Will I run out of money and not able to pay my bills? Will I ever become homeless? Will I get caught up in something that happens caused by other people? (terror, robbery, assault) It’s exhausting.

I Isolate myself. Now I have worked hard on my healing process but according to my brain, everyone can hurt me (abuse me or take advantage of me). I lock myself away, isolate and avoid people. The interaction I have with most people never includes much trust from my side if any at all.

I can’t connect to people.  It’s like there is an invisible wall between me and everyone I meet. I can see and hear them and interact with them but I never feel connected. I am different and not like everyone else. It’s like I am an alien or a tourist, always on vacation, sightseeing. It is rare when I form a real connection to someone.

I can dissociate or respond with freeze, flight or fawn when I’m stressed. When my brain perceives something as a threat I will zone out or I will literally freeze. At other times I can just try to find an escape and use whatever excuse I can think of to get out of the situation and isolate myself again. A third option is fawning. This is usually not a stand-alone for me and often followed by flight. This can be really embarrassing in social situations. I am aware I am freezing but can’t stop it or speak. My reactions are not coming out. My brain doesn’t work anymore and everything becomes a haze.

I quite often feel dumb. After a triggered reaction, my brain doesn’t seem to work anymore I have a hard time remembering anything. Cooking something that I have cooked many times before becomes a problem and I need to read my recipes or instructions. Doing simple things on my computer I suddenly don’t remember how like I am a child that needs help. With help from someone with enough patience and understanding, I will be able to complete these tasks with a few small instructions but the shame it puts me through is incredible and the energy it takes me to not fall back into another triggered reaction is exhausting.

I get emotional flashbacks. Emotional regulation is difficult and emotional flashbacks are very common for people living with C-PTSD. An emotional flashback is the same as a normal flashback but without the images. We get to deal with a sudden flood of emotions when triggered that overwhelm us that we can’t really place. These can happen anywhere and at any time. Identifying triggers is very difficult because of the complexity of our traumas that are weaved through each other. Due to the way my brain perceives everyday life, I am forced into an automatic I am here to please you” response. (also fawning)

I have panic and anxiety attacks. These are part of my everyday life and can occur without any obvious trigger even, Just a smell a word, a song or whatever can cause this.

Nightmares, night terrors, sleep paralysis and insomnia. I suffer from nightmares, night terrors (more horrifying then nightmares) and sleep paralysis. I sleep max 3 to 4 hours in a row IF I am lucky. Other nights I sometimes don’t sleep at all due to the high level of adrenaline I have due to stress. I speed nap during the day sometimes a few hours if I can get that much. My night terrors have due to my therapy and healing process becoming less and less but are not extinct. Nightmares used to occur several nights and are reduced now to about 4 in a week. Anxiety and panic attacks are still very real tho and can go as bad as a sleep paralysis attack where I wake up in extreme fear without even knowing why and unable to move or speak due to the extreme height of fear. Like I am locked up in a dead body.

I can’t eat. No, I don’t have an eating disorder. The stress causes me to feel sick in my stomach. My appetite is gone and I have to force myself to eat and treat myself on to eat something.

Migraines. The stress and lack of sleep cause me to have a lot of migraines.

Therapy. Yes even when it is part of my healing process to go to therapy is not fun. Every time I go I am being reminded of every single reason why I have to go to therapy and everything that is “wrong” with me. I know there is nothing “wrong” with me and that its what other people have done to me but often it feels that way and how other people even think of people with C-PTSD. Then everything that happens during therapy is not easy either. Healing on its own is a battleground.

These are just some of the things I deal with. Basically my whole life every day I am facing constant fears night and day. I am most likely never completely free of the issues caused by C-PTSD I can only learn to coop in a healthy way and live in a certain way so that I am not affected as much anymore. That means I can not just do whatever I want whenever I want Like most people without C-PTSD.

Complex-PTSD has not been added to the DSM-5 yet. It is important to spread awareness in order to validate others who are struggling with this condition. The positive side is that many therapists are becoming increasingly aware and many people have fulfilling lives despite living with the condition. It is important that the awareness of CPTSD is spread out because we often are being misdiagnosed as having borderline.