My everyday and more.
C-PTSD and how it affects my everyday life. A must-read!
Complex-PTSD (CPTSD) is an under-recognized condition. While post-traumatic disorder (PTSD) occurs from acute and often single trauma, complex PTSD develops from ongoing or repeated interpersonal abuse usually started at a young age. This includes emotional, physical abuse and sexual abuse.
I have written down some of the things that I deal with on a daily base that affects my everyday life that others can’t imagine I am dealing with. And keep in mind that everything else normal people are dealing with, I am dealing with just the same. I am trying to raise my daughters in the very same messed up world.
Anything is a threat. Especially people, all kinds of people. I feel anxious by just the thought of going outside, let alone when I have to talk to people, and pretty much doing anything else. My brain is so used to stress, that it can’t regulate the stress and anxiety responses, so everything is perceived as a threat even when I am way past the stressful situation
I have to be always alert. (hypervigilance) Complex-PTSD affects the subconscious. That’s why I am always tense and anxious without me even realizing it and without any obvious reason that is visible or noticeable for other people. Even physical so almost always my muscles ache.
I never feel “safe.” Even when I am alone at home. I don’t feel emotionally, physically and spiritually safe at any time almost. I’m always expecting the unexpectable to happen. Will I run out of money and not able to pay my bills? Will I ever become homeless? Will I get caught up in something that happens caused by other people? (terror, robbery, assault) It’s exhausting.
I Isolate myself. Now I have worked hard on my healing process but according to my brain, everyone can hurt me (abuse me or take advantage of me). I lock myself away, isolate and avoid people. The interaction I have with most people never includes much trust from my side if any at all.
I can’t connect to people. It’s like there is an invisible wall between me and everyone I meet. I can see and hear them and interact with them but I never feel connected. I am different and not like everyone else. It’s like I am an alien or a tourist, always on vacation, sightseeing. It is rare when I form a real connection to someone.
I can dissociate or respond with freeze, flight or fawn when I’m stressed. When my brain perceives something as a threat I will zone out or I will literally freeze. At other times I can just try to find an escape and use whatever excuse I can think of to get out of the situation and isolate myself again. A third option is fawning. This is usually not a stand-alone for me and often followed by flight. This can be really embarrassing in social situations. I am aware I am freezing but can’t stop it or speak. My reactions are not coming out. My brain doesn’t work anymore and everything becomes a haze.
I quite often feel dumb. After a triggered reaction, my brain doesn’t seem to work anymore I have a hard time remembering anything. Cooking something that I have cooked many times before becomes a problem and I need to read my recipes or instructions. Doing simple things on my computer I suddenly don’t remember how like I am a child that needs help. With help from someone with enough patience and understanding, I will be able to complete these tasks with a few small instructions but the shame it puts me through is incredible and the energy it takes me to not fall back into another triggered reaction is exhausting.
I get emotional flashbacks. Emotional regulation is difficult and emotional flashbacks are very common for people living with C-PTSD. An emotional flashback is the same as a normal flashback but without the images. We get to deal with a sudden flood of emotions when triggered that overwhelm us that we can’t really place. These can happen anywhere and at any time. Identifying triggers is very difficult because of the complexity of our traumas that are weaved through each other. Due to the way my brain perceives everyday life, I am forced into an automatic I am here to please you” response. (also fawning)
I have panic and anxiety attacks. These are part of my everyday life and can occur without any obvious trigger even, Just a smell a word, a song or whatever can cause this.
Nightmares, night terrors, sleep paralysis and insomnia. I suffer from nightmares, night terrors (more horrifying then nightmares) and sleep paralysis. I sleep max 3 to 4 hours in a row IF I am lucky. Other nights I sometimes don’t sleep at all due to the high level of adrenaline I have due to stress. I speed nap during the day sometimes a few hours if I can get that much. My night terrors have due to my therapy and healing process becoming less and less but are not extinct. Nightmares used to occur several nights and are reduced now to about 4 in a week. Anxiety and panic attacks are still very real tho and can go as bad as a sleep paralysis attack where I wake up in extreme fear without even knowing why and unable to move or speak due to the extreme height of fear. Like I am locked up in a dead body.
I can’t eat. No, I don’t have an eating disorder. The stress causes me to feel sick in my stomach. My appetite is gone and I have to force myself to eat and treat myself on to eat something.
Migraines. The stress and lack of sleep cause me to have a lot of migraines.
Therapy. Yes even when it is part of my healing process to go to therapy is not fun. Every time I go I am being reminded of every single reason why I have to go to therapy and everything that is “wrong” with me. I know there is nothing “wrong” with me and that its what other people have done to me but often it feels that way and how other people even think of people with C-PTSD. Then everything that happens during therapy is not easy either. Healing on its own is a battleground.
These are just some of the things I deal with. Basically my whole life every day I am facing constant fears night and day. I am most likely never completely free of the issues caused by C-PTSD I can only learn to coop in a healthy way and live in a certain way so that I am not affected as much anymore. That means I can not just do whatever I want whenever I want Like most people without C-PTSD.
Complex-PTSD has not been added to the DSM-5 yet. It is important to spread awareness in order to validate others who are struggling with this condition. The positive side is that many therapists are becoming increasingly aware and many people have fulfilling lives despite living with the condition. It is important that the awareness of CPTSD is spread out because we often are being misdiagnosed as having borderline.
