The world is hurting. The world is sick and so many people on it too. I know I need to look past it and heal myself but it is getting so damn difficult when it is being rubbed in your face time and time again. Me too, I am hurting and broken and need to heal.

I am still trying to do everything alone. I have reached out to others in the past, even for just to talk and air my thoughts but there’s just no one really who gets me except sometimes for a few bits and pieces. I wonder if I ever going to get that home feeling ever again.

In the dream I had tonight, people were killing their loved ones while surrounded by fires and animals starving to death because they have nothing to eat. The water in the world was contaminated everywhere and people were still fighting over money, arguing over whose fault it is or simply just dying. I was trying to talk sense into them, feed the animals and clean the water.

Then I looked down at my hands because they were hurting. I had squeezed a glass of water that I was holding so hard that it broke in my hands and blood was dripping out of the fresh cuts.

That’s when I woke up with the feeling that I simply can not do enough.

Edit: and I Just now know why I had that dream….and all these panic attacks last night.. ouch.. not going to explain…

Thinking back about a conversation I had with someone yesterday I realize I didn’t ask how they were doing. But it’s not because I didn’t want to know or didn’t care, I seldom ask people how they are doing or what they are doing even people I care a lot about. I don’t like small talk. People are usually just saying I’m okay, I’m fine, all good or whatever without telling really how they are doing. Either people don’t want to tell me, because it’s me and I don’t fit into that circle of people they share that with or they are not comfortable telling me for whatever reason. So I don’t ask people often how they are doing.

When I ask someone how they are doing, or how their day went or something, I sincerely like to know how they are doing. If I ask, I really do want to know how you are doing, what have you done today? Tell me something that made your day or that surprised you, something you liked or disliked, feeling a little sick? Tell me. Sad or down? Tell me.

When I get past my fear of the rejection because I see it as a rejection of not fitting into the category of people you do want to tell whats going on in your life and ask what you are doing and how you are doing understand that I care and that I am being sincere.

Now just because I didn’t ask when we talked doesn’t mean I don’t care, I most likely just held back by my fear. So please tell me anyway, I am an introvert and due to my traumas dealing with a lot of fears however that doesn’t mean I am not interested in you.

And if somehow I stopped asking than most likely something has scared me from asking again. I will let you know when I don’t have time or when I am not interested or by chance can’t pay attention due to things I am dealing with or maybe I am too tired. I will just ask you to share it with me another time. I wouldn’t ask to tell me another time if I didn’t want to know.

Also, I like to think that when someone shares something about them with me without asking that it’s like a gift to me. Someone sharing something with me because they really want to share something with you is for me very priceless. I am not surrounded by people who want to share things, stories, etc with me. (due to my own isolation) So I really appreciate that if you do.

I have learned to listen to my emotions more in the last few years and due to my traumas I can not always handle everything. My mind is dealing with so many things at the same time and most people don’t realize that or forget it because it may look like I am fine but rest assured that my mind is always incredibly active, overloaded or exhausted. And yes I do know I need to work on this and I will. So please, tell me how are you doing, how have you been?

I did it again, I booked another little trip. I am not going to reveal yet where the journey will take us but I can assure you it’s going to be magical! As a little girl, I often dreamed of this. I remember telling someone, I think last year, about this little dream, that’s how much it meant to me.

Growing up many of my dreams like these disappeared like balloons in the sky. Some popped rather quickly others a little later and some were blown away by the wind never to be seen again. Because I am someone who makes things happen, some of them I have found back when I went searching for them. Just like this one.

My healing journey is just as enchanted as the place where my travels will go to. With all its ups and downs I do realize how magical this journey full of discoveries is. Even when not everything on my healing path has been a joyful experience, rather the opposite, I can’t deny the magic of it.

I know on this small trip I too will meet obstacles and difficulties but I know I will get past them and will be able to enjoy this trip or at least large parts of it. I may reveal more of this dream come true as the day of departure comes closer. Safe travels everyone!

I am so excited! I have been invited to visit a poetry reading at Waterstone bookstore in Amsterdam.

It’s called: “J.R.R. Tolkien: Adventures in Poetry and Pictures”. There will be a very special guest, Cor Blok who is a renowned Tolkien illustrator. He will be talking about his work and show his paintings. We are also able to purchase various beautiful editions of all of Tolkien’s books of course.

It promises to be a very unique and special evening. I am really excited to go. Elen síla lúmenn’ omentielvo!

I have locked my Instagram and people can no longer just see my pictures cause apparently some people do not understand how to leave people alone that are healing from a break-up. They have to go and spread lies about me to people who don’t even know me and really have no business knowing about me, who in turn get so nosy that they check out my Instagram site and then block me when they accidentally like a picture.

There are two different stories on how this happened and both were told to me by the same person. I don’t know which one is true but I have no interest in being part of such drama. LOL, they aren’t even truths. Stop with the damn lies.

I just want to heal and recover and had wanted to treasure the good memories when the pain has faded which is hard enough already without flying monkeys and a smear campaign. 🙁 The pain is real..