Triggers and anxiety
Every time I am confronted with the lies from my ex no matter how subtle, I still get triggered and I have a hard time dealing with that. It makes no sense it shouldn’t matter anymore because he is my ex. Maybe its because he didn’t come clean about it and don’t seem to care he hurt my feelings why it still stings me but I wish I could leave it behind me. He probably doesn’t even know how much I actually know about these little lies. Ugh
I know I justify his behavior sometimes because I understand why. Though I should not be doing that. I was lied to and got hurt so why do I try to soften the circumstances? Is it because I feel I deserve to be lied to or because I still don’t value myself enough? Right now I’m just hurting and feeling worthless. It’s also really hard for me to let go that he told around that I look for attention from other guys when in fact it was the other way around. His girlfriends (even though he denies it) are checking on my Instagram account and then block me for whatever reason long after our breakup and I’m not even in his friendslist anymore.
This girl doesn’t know me IRL or online so it’s obvious that I am being talked about. (update: OR his sister cause now he said it was his sister who did that.) By the way, during our relationship, HE cheated and flirted around and has this list with loads of girls and potential people he could date or whatever. Funny how they rather believe someone that they know who cheated on me (he said he told them the truth about that but I don’t know) then someone they know nothing about except through hearsay by said ex or his family.
Not even when I was single during our breakups I looked, flirted or whatever with any other guys. I’m an introvert with social anxiety and demisexual LOL. WHAT you mean I want attention from other guys!?
I dare anyone I have tried getting such attention from to step forward and I myself will post their proof willingly and publicly unedited on my blog facebook AND Instagram, pictures, screenshots, text. sound, anything!
I am traumatized and diagnosed with C-PTSD. I am receiving already 5 years of professional therapy from one of Europes best centers for this type of trauma and knowing that I am still having a lot of healing to do I am continuing my therapy now in a similar center also specialized in this type of trauma. I know my behaviors are not always healthy and that in our relationship I caused him a lot of pain too. However, I never did this purposely and I have always been loyal and faithful. I have apologized again and again for the pain I caused. even tho he denies that I apologized I still have the emails and the youtube video I made with my apologies.
I actually really don’t talk with ppl much at all and I do wish I could many times but I am scared. I don’t really know for what but I become extremely anxious. scared they don’t want to talk with me or don’t like me or judge me. I don’t even really know how to start a conversation as I am not really someone who likes small talk.
Why does it matter so much to me when we broke up? Because again it feels like betrayal since it was the other way around I am reliving the whole cheating experience. Why I am posting this? Because I have no other means of being able to defend myself against such blatant lies.
I didn’t want to put all the dirty laundry out but I do hold the truth about me and as a matter of fact, I hold a LOT more truths I can come clean about from said ex or family if MORE lies will pop up that are being spread about me or to me. And yes I have screenshots to back it up because I have been betrayed so much in the past that that became a habit. Dang, I hate THIS! THIS I never wanted to happen between us. I wanted to get past the pain and hold on to the memories from the good times that we shared.
