Lies, relationships, and friendships
As I am writing this I am still working through the anxiety that was caused a few days ago when I had another eye-opening revelation during one of my meditations. One of the reasons I isolate myself is because of the judgment I received in the past upon friendships I try to create with other people.
One of my exes from long ago was very aggressive, jealous and even physically violent. (actually, two were) As a person whos traumatized I already had isolated myself a lot and kept from trying to form new healthy friendships especially with people from the other gender due to this new relationship where I feared meeting the disapproval, anger or even worse from my partner at the time.
Even after that relationship was ended I didn’t form easily friendships with people again especially with people from the other gender. My isolation lasted and I did not even realize for a long time that I was in fact isolating myself. By the time I started realizing my isolation my social anxiety and fear of people had grown and to form friendships, in general, had become a huge problem for me. Altho it really did not seem to cause me many problems because I was used to be on my own and independent.
After time passes and I began to find new friendships with other people I also met my last partner.
He was/is codependent and very insecure and jealous. Together with my own issues and C-PTSD that did not go well in the long run. Once again forming friendships with other people became a problem. I didn’t want my relationships with other people to become a problem for my relationship with him so I kept from forming new friendships which with my life experience of isolating myself was really not that hard. Mind you this was mostly MY decision so no blame on him. He has supported me tremendously in the last three years.
This relationship is now over unfortunately and with everything that has happened at the end, there is no return to it unless there are drastic changes taking place which I don’t expect to happen. But my anxiety to form new friendships continues.
After I found out that he now has told people that I look for attention from other men during our relationship (he had told me this himself that he told them that) I triggered in the next few days after that, big time. I kept reviewing my own behavior and judging myself while being confronted with my fears every time anyone in the ark community that I play with talks to me or offers me any form of help. Or even other communities that I participate in IRL or in-game. With a history of being abused, I hardly trust anyone at all to begin with.
It makes me angry that especially my ex who has been cheating and flirting with others during our relationship and in between the breaks of our relationship lies about me in such a manner. I don’t know if he is trying to justify himself and his own behavior or is just still scared I find someone else and wants to use that to prove that he was right or maybe he is just angry because he is hurting. But the truth is I don’t need or want another relationship or even that kind of attention from any men. I never in my life have cheated on anyone in any of my relationships even.
Funny detail is that other people who KNOW he has cheated on me actually even believe him and supports those lies simply because they don’t know me and like him. The damage they do by enabling him and supporting that they don’t see I guess.
I understand how al lot of his behavior grows from fear and insecurity. And the whole relationship was not all bad at all. There was a huge understanding between us and we found peace and safety and calm in each other that we haven’t found anywhere else. Now to be truthful since he is codependent I do not know how true this really is from his end. He has lied so much to me and about me to other people that the truth is very difficult for me to see anymore between everything.
I am still dealing with the enormous loss that I feel since the relationship sudden ended and especially now I can use friends and people who support me I seem to reject and distance myself out of fear of judgment from other people. I have joined a supportive community on Facebook for people diagnosed with c-ptsd and this tends to be helpful but not filling that empty gap where I need a friend I dare to trust.
When I meet new ppl (especially online since IRL I isolate myself, even more, I only go outside if I really have to) I am only focussing on potential red flags. It begins with gender. If they are male I am by default cautious because they may have a second agenda and want more then friendship. Then everything I learn about them is another potential red flag even when it isn’t I make it one, as the simple fact if they are male! Women the same way I red flag because I have been betrayed by just the lot of them too.
It’s like an ongoing circle which I can only finally truly break if I meet genuine honest caring people that I feel comfortable with can form a closer friendship with. What I need to heal is a loving environment where I can feel safe and let my guard down for a while. I found this in my last partner and he helped me find some love for myself back again I’ll be always grateful for this.
