Right now I honestly don’t have the energy to put into writing a nice post that I did the needed research for and all that. Though I still feel the need to write a little about this topic. Radical self-love. It is so helpful when on a healing journey. It begins with being dead honest to ourselves, (really no one else truly needs to know unless you want them to) about our fears, when and why they appear.

Radical self-care begins with good eating, sleeping and exercise patterns. Take the time you need to eat and sleep. Take a little walk if you can and the weather is nice, get some fresh air. Appreciate nature, the weather n even when those are working against you simply take notice of the raindrops on the window. look how they drip down and the path they draw on a window.

Feel the cold through the glass from the window and listen to the sound the rain makes (if its really just bad weather) Make a cup of coffee or tea, sit down and enjoy the taste in your mouth and the warmth of the liquid without doing anything else. Forget about your worries for 10 or 15 minutes. I am sure you can not solve it all in those 15 minutes and that they still will be there afterward. So take those 15 minutes for yourself and by yourself.

To be continued..

I hate Chrystal clear putty and I hate slim, n all those other semi-liquid gooey “toys” our kids love to mess around with. Last Saturday we spend at Nemo, it’s a Scientific museum in Amsterdam full of scientific games and interactive stuff for kids to do. It’s fun even kids that are not geeks and nerds can enjoy themselves there. Every kid likes to play right? And science is everywhere.

So after this eventful day the kids got spoiled with a few gifts. One of them was slime that they can make themselves and another one my daughter picked was Chrystal clear putty. I know as a kid I live to play with that stuff too. Until it had dust hair n sand sticking to it of course. Which never took too long.

But now as an adult, I can’t stand those toys for the simple reason the drama you get from it when you get it in clothes and furniture fabrics. Like my couch… My daughter left her Putty on my couch n it left a big stain so that’s the trigger for this post. And my activity for Sunday evening and my Monday.

Well, I finally hopefully will get it completely out but I’ve already washed it 4 times. Soaked it in vanish twice, scratch as much putty off with my nails as I could, used rubbing alcohol on it and now it’s drying again. It looks like most of the spot is clean however I have one last trick to try if it’s not. For future reference, I will post my cleaning schematics of this stain in a separate post when I’m sure it’s clean.

My washing machine seems to be leaking now so I probably have to clean the filter again. Then I will clean the washing machine but first I need a nap while it dries.

Today was a good day, the girls had a lot of fun at Nemo and so did I. Tomorrow the bingo where I volunteer at and that will be the end of my busy week.

Next week I have a quiet week ahead of me again with my daughter being at her dads and a lot fewer things on my agenda. I may have to go help out at school again on Tuesday but other than that I don’t have anything else on the agenda yet, I hopefully can get to working on my blog again. Or maybe work on another new cosplay idea I had .. a wood elf 🙂 I don’t know, maybe I’m just going to relax n play games n sleep a lot. We’ll see.

I really do not get angry easily but when it comes to my children, if you harm them I will become a tiger n can eat you raw.

Again and again, my daughter tells me things about when shes at her dads. Today too she was just sitting here in my house as she is sick and I kept her home. She’s watching funny videos and laughs a little bit about them out loud sometimes. It’s a pleasant sound. Not obnoxious loud or in an annoying way. I am playing on my Xbox and actually enjoy the laughter because it tells me she’s feeling a lot better.

Then out of the blue she sais mom, when I am at my dad’s house I’m not allowed to laugh I look up and ask why not. She shrugs, I don’t know, he gets angry when I do…. I get quiet, not sure how to respond to this because what she told me disturbed me and not even a little bit. I am angry. I can’t protect her against this….

There is a lot more background to this on things that happened in the past and child protection has put us on a waiting list. the organization that is in place that should be a go-to for me and her is incompetent and she has no therapist to go to either to tell those things to. so it’s just me against him as long as she doesn’t have a place to tell her story to except me. If I stand up for her it’s me against him and then im just the bad vile ex who lives in the past etc etc etc… I’ve been there n heard that before.

… so angry…

Sometimes when I hav a great day like yesterday and even had a full night of sleep the night before without nightmares or waking up in a panic, I forget that my C-PTSD is still lurking in the background. I just woke up again for the so maniest time. I have woken up with panic attacks, from strange dreams and oveall high anxiety. I gave u going back to sleep now.

It was almost 7 am and at 7:30 my alarm goes so Ill try to relax n calm down and get ready for my day because today has just like yesterday a lot in store again for me. Yesterday I had a business meeting, and I cleaned out the storage I have upstairs in my apartment and today I have to cook with my daughters class in the community center with them and for them and a lot of other people from the elder home. I am looking forward to it I just wish I had felt better. At the end of the day, I have another appointment with Roos. I hope I get a chance to take a nap in between.

Tomorrow is going to be another busy day, I have to go to the dentist with my daughter and she has a short day at school. I’m planning to get a haircut for both of us too. Thursday I want to do some more cleaning and I have another appointment for training I signed my daughter up for. For Friday I have planned more cleaning and on Saturday I have a surprise for my daughter. Her lil friend who lives far is coming here and we are going to the science museum Nemo so thats a full day too. Sunday I have my volunteer work at the bingo in the community center and with that my weekend is full too. I try next week to slow down a little cause I am scared I get another heavy migraine.