With all the pain of the break-up, I am still hurting from sometimes, I almost forgot the power of love and more importantly how to benefit from this strength within me. It’s not that I had completely forgotten it but when that pain floats ashore and you trip over it so that you have a face-sand experience it’s really hard to appreciate that what is left behind unanswered; Love.

A memory on facebook in the shape of a post I made a few years ago reminded me once again to use this love as well to heal and grow. You just need to see past the pain and realize its the attachment and the loss of a loved one that causes that pain. The love itself does not hurt. Love heals, love has given me the strength to forgive, the power to move on and the understanding to let go. The love I have for this person, however, has not changed or disappeared. It’s still there, in all strength.

How can I still love this person who has caused me so much hurt? Because he is so much more than just that. I am not going into detail but I am simply put not going to dismiss the good because of the pain. The good still outweighs it by far. So perhaps my sentence Omnia Vincit Amor may not make sense to others because we are not together anymore but those people may not understand that love is not the same as attachment.

I am moving on yes, no there is not anyone else in my life to fill up that space. But I am not going to keep hanging in the past. My moving on means I am healing from my wounds and learning from my own mistakes. The love I have for all what is dear to me is the main source of my strength.

Omnia Vincit Amor! <3

Early on even before we are born the trauma experience already begin if we are being exposed (as strange as that sounds when we are not even born yet) to situations that we don’t feel safe. Let me quote another few lines from ” The 5 Personality Patterns” by Steven Kessler.

“If something in her early environment/womb does not feel safe and loving enough, but instead shocks and scares her, then she won’t have this felt sense of safety in her body and she won’t be able to fully orient to the physical world and attach to it and her body. She won’t believe the physical world is safe and she won’t expect that her needs will be filled by anybody.”

Now when I think of this and reflect on this it brings me more and more understanding again of who I am. I know my father was a violent man. He was an alcoholic as well. I do not know a lot about him since he left us when I and my brother were still at an early age however from the few stories I have heard about how aggressive he was even I assume that was not any different when my mother was pregnant.

I have already always suspected this since I found out and learned more about my C-PTSD, however having this confirmed does make me feel more secure in my own findings. It underlines my realizations of not having memories of pre-trauma me. This brings more and more trust in myself and with that, I feel a little bit more secure and safe within myself which on its own is a big win in my healing progress.

At the same time, it brings sadness because this also means that my two daughters also may have been exposed to trauma even before their birth altho I can not remember any cruelties during my pregnancy my own state of mind obviously has an impact on this too. Since I was already traumatized even though I had not been diagnosed that does not change their experience. I know not to keep hanging in that feeling because it was not my fault and it is not helping.

Learning about my traumas affects my healing a lot and helps me acquire and learn how the use the new skill sets I receive. I am grateful for this process.

The migraine I’m dealing with is beyond what I have had to deal with in a long time. My migraines used to be light and one night or evening at most and I could sit it through with ibuprofen or maybe two. This migraine I am dealing with now, however, is already lasting since Wednesday evening and its Friday morning now.

I am trying to find reasons why I got this migraine so badly now but can’t find any. I have slept most of the day yesterday and due to that slept more badly than ever last night. I’m not good at being sick. I’m not good at doing nothing but it looks like I still have to give in and rest more. So that’s what I will be doing. 🙁

A migraine is not my most favorite thing to start my day with and despite me saying last night that I should slow down, I’m brainstorming about the looks of my new design which I have not really a plan for yet. I think I like to keep the background and the transparency of the blog tiles. The text color in green does well on the background but this is not something I hang on to too strong. Furthermore, I would like to create a new logo/header.

I have been thinking about speaking in my posts and add a voice file to my blog posts. Maybe just for my poetry. I don’t know I have to think about this. I do not like the idea of a video blog. Not only because I don’t like to see myself really that much but also because of the space it will take up. I know I can use youtube but I like to stay in full control of my blog hence why I have my own domain without any ads instead of a free hosted blog.

Free hosted blogs usually have a lot of limitations and my creative mind needs all the freedom it can get when creating my own blog. And as I mentioned before my blog is add free. I never wanted adds on my websites because not only do they interrupt with the design, I don’t want advertisements on my pages that possibly could be from companies that I don’t want to support for whatever reason.

Ugh, so much my brainstorming for now. My migraine is getting worse and I am going to take a forced break.

Today I have updated the PHP of my blog to a much newer version. Also, a few more plugins where updated. My mail plugin and Akismet spam control plugin were both updated. I was pretty anxious about updating the PHP because it could have made my whole blog crash drastically and become unfunctional. but I followed the steps as described and thank goodness none of my plugins caused any problems so far and everything seems to be working fine.

I will keep my paid extended support for my old PHP for another week before I cancel it to make sure I don’t have to roll it back. Stay tuned for more changes to come. This was just one of the last few necessary things to do before I can change the design and some things in the background of the blog.