I have heard so many times in my life that people think I am strong because of what I have been through that I feel like people think that I have another choice. One endures things better then another but this will do its damage, in the end, one way or the other I don’t know if that can be considered strong, to be honest.

On the other hand, I do believe that I am a very strong person because of how I kept pushing to get through it. Don’t be mistaken by the damage it has done tho and the price I paid for this and am still paying every day.

No one knows the many times I have cried and still cry myself to sleep, would these people still call me strong when they find me in my misery at my weakest? I doubt it. But honestly, at those times I am being the strongest because that’s when I endure the most pain and have to endure it. Not when I am out and smiling hiding it for everyone.

Just because I don’t respond or react on something publicly doesn’t mean it doesn’t affect or hurt me. I just know my reaction wouldn’t change anything. People do what they want knowingly and willingly. Sometimes people are unaware of the pain they cause with their actions simply because they have no knowledge about what the other person is dealing with. Other times they know but they simply don’t care.

Not publicly displaying my discomfort, pain, and hurt doesn’t make me stronger then anyone else I think. I have just been taught that how I feel doesn’t matter. That’s why I often keep my pain to myself and hide it in any way I can.

The holidays and new years are finally over. Yes, finally. Xmas is never a good period for me altogether due to certain traumatic events that took place in my own childhood just before Christmas.

So while everyone’s in a Christmas spirit and happily decorating, I am swallowing away the after taste of my youth which still affects me on a daily base but especially this season.

Then with a few events that are currently taking place and getting me all down, it’s simply put a battlefield for me.

The new year has also already proven itself to be as one where I can not rest and trust faith with my youngest daughter being in the mids of all this as small as she is with the very few tools she has to stand up for herself against a parent who doesn’t think about her well being and even worse, teaches her bad behaviors.

I am proud of my brave little girl who is the one who has to find her way through this warzone she is surrounded with. I am trying my best to support her and give her the tools she needs. Not only to be able to maintain strong but also to be able to remain strong apart from normal parenting.

It worries me sick but there’s nothing that I know of that I can do legally that I am not already doing. However, I feel like it’s mopping the floor with the water tap running.. I hope changes will come soon.

We have support from child protection services for her but due to my own personal experiences as a child with youth care and my experiences with both my daughters and the state of the general youth care globally I still have to be proven this sufficient.

I have a little light point and that is that my dog now permanently is going to stay with me. The relationship between my ex-husband’s wife and my dog is so bad that she doesn’t want him there anymore. Now don’t blame my adorable sweet westie for this. He was maltreated by her so you can’t blame him that he doesn’t like her. He has no issues with anyone else.

And me, I am exhausted more and more. My sleep that had improved over the summer is now a huge mess again. And I am at a point where my own healing has to be halted since I have no energy left for this. 🙁

More bad news came my way. Just when I packed myself together again a little bit the next thing hits me. I’m so tired and exhausted. I can handle almost anything but don’t ask how I feel. I’m crushed, heartbroken more shattered then shattered and I have no choice but to keep going and being strong because I don’t think I can handle losing anything else in my life at the moment.

I am supposed to be healing but all I can do is survive at the moment and try to keep strong and going. I have no energy or time to spend on healing really. I’m already drained from trying not to fall appart</3

A kind and good heart is burning in my chest, my stomach is upset because my heart hurts so much. My only family will be my daughters that I will celebrate Christmas with. No friends or other family. Christmas is around the corner and although I am not religious and truly do not celebrate the birth of Christ or anything of the likes, I enjoy the colorful lights and the sparks that I spread through my house during the season. It helps me fight my seasonal depression. But at the same time, the energy to set it all up is far to be found. I don’t have felt the joy yet, Just a sore back and feeling exhausted. A heavy weight on my shoulders when I look at my little girl. I somehow have to turn this Christmas too in something joyful for her. I have a few events outside the house planned that hopefully will just do that.

I have of course been volunteering at school again with the decoration crafts in the class and when they celebrate they’re Christmas at school with a meal I will be there too to help out. Of course, there is a lot to be grateful for and I am Tho the crack in my heart casts a shadow on the smile that I will carry on my face. Today I carried the boxes with Christmas decorations upstairs, unpacked the tree and have started to decorate a little bit. It’s just going to be again less than last year like its shimmering down every year now. I miss having the energy and passion I once had to decorate throughout the whole house. I created things and my house was always so pretty. Now its average and I can only look in the mirror to find the one to blame.

I know i am hard on myself but that’s me. I don’t like to slack and do things half and that I simply have to accept not having the energy cuts in and adds to my depression that’s lurking around the corner again. Pieces of my shattered heart I find in every memory that I hold so dear. Some pieces are lost and can not be replaced. Yet I believe I still have a beautiful heart as heavy as it is right now.

We all want to feel safe and a lot of us do up to a certain point that is. But now I am here today concluding and stating that feeling safe is just a false perception that the mind creates for us so we don’t get overwhelmed by fears. NO ONE is truly safe.

Anyone is at any point in time subject to be caught in a disaster. This can be a personal disaster but just as easily something more massive like we see in earthquakes or floods and the like. No matter how healthy you eat and how careful you are, don’t drink, don’t smoke, etc, etc. you still can die from a heart attack, lung cancer, etc. Most of us have to go outside at least sometimes and then too we put ourselves at risk by even more dangers in our environment.

Aside from all these physical injuries, we are also subject to become a victim of internal damage to our brains due to emotional trauma for example. So we create healthy boundaries to protect ourselves and all that more. Yet still, there will always, always be things that can cause us to get hurt, Major heartbreak, depression, loneliness, etc. These things can really cut in hard and leave permanent damage to your personality. It will change who you are often. Sometimes just a little bit but other times it creates fears and phobias that are life-changing and not usually in a good way.

I bring up this topic because I have not been feeling safe for the most part of my life and when I finally thought I was safe with someone it turns out I am not. People I am supposed to feel safe with who supposed to catch you when you fall and not drop you when you already are at your lowest or add to the damage that’s been done to you.

I gave this a lot of thought because I am tired of not feeling safe, it’s exhausting to be always on guard and that when the moment that I am not on guard I always end up getting hurt badly. MY fears keep getting bigger and bigger even tho I am getting stronger the feelings don’t change for the better unless I completely keep to myself and then the isolation gets to me.

I am 46 years old and used to have a lot of dreams and wishes, The list of my personal wishes isn’t so long anymore. I wished and wanted to have another child but at this point even when I would still want to I am taking it off my list because of everything I wrote above. Happiness comes with feeling safe and actually I believe is rather essential for this, whether its a false sense of safety or not it does do what it needs to do.

Concluding that safety and happiness go hand in hand my depression slowly starts sinking in again. I don’t feel safe. Everyone who I should have felt safe with and protected me from hurt and harm and or be there for me at times of need is and where not. I am afraid of the permanent damage that this is doing to me. The feeling I don’t belong keeps getting stronger.

Again the fear of insanity peeks around the corners for me however my fears are very rational because the things I fear have happened to me and can happen again if I give it a chance. Some may say but what if they don’t happen. Well If they don’t happen then I am going to be living with the constant fear that It may happen anyway because at one point it did happen and it happened more as once in different times and places.

I am talking about abuse, physical emotional and all the other kinds you can think of. But also some very serious issues with my health like lumps that I have found in my breast a couple of years ago. Even then I really did not have someone to talk to about it really. Breast cancer or other forms of cancer can be very deadly and life-changing when you have to undergo surgery to remove body parts.

There are very few people who know about these things that I have been dealing with and the lumps in my breast that I had found barely anyone knows about. Just because I post about it here doesn’t mean I want to talk with someone about it. I just wanted to include it in my post to make it complete.

Therapy is supposed to make my life better and in a way it is, yet at the same time it complicates it for me too because even tho my struggles are less, the pain I feel is just as strong and my fears are still causing a lot of disturbance underneath that keeps me from being able to be happy.