Reflecting on my own thoughts and evaluating my feelings led to my latest quote.

My quote is meant to be controversial and leave one to wonder not about me but oneself. This quote has more truth in it then we often recognize or want to admit to, in ourselfs and hopefully will lead to healing oneself just another little step.

This quote is not about that child (or adult) that misbehaves to get attention even tho it could be, it wasn’t what I was aiming for. I’m aiming for something a lot deeper under the surface then that; self-consciousness.

The self-consciousnes to recognize the patterns of our own behavior, without selfblame but with awakening the responcibility we need to have to heal. That’s what this is about.

I could write a whole lot more about my thoughts behind this but for those who come from where I have been or maybe worse hopefully understand it so it may find its way to a greater understanding and a step forward in ones healing process.

In no way I intentionally ask anyone to hurt me. So please don’t. Flat out for those who don’t have a clue. Its about Loving and respecting oneself.

When I was a little girl my mom used to send me to the store sometimes. I grew up in a small town where everyone knows everyone, in the Netherlands. The store was not too far from our home in a short walking distance. There was a liquor store, a snack bar (Fastfood takeaway, where they sell warm snacks, fries, hamburgers ice cream, etc) and a supermarket right next to each other. Every Thursday evening we would eat fries with a hot snack and usually a vegetable salad with that or applesauce and each week I and my brother took turns buying the fries.

One day when it was my turn to buy the food it was a usual busy Thursday evening and there were quite a few ppl waiting. There were always two people working so everyone was just patient and wait there turn. The person who was taking the orders was new, I had not seen her before so I watched her work while I was waiting. She looked a few times around at me and the other customers and when it was time to take another order from another customer she would simply say: “whos next?” As time passed by some customers who received their orders left and new ones came in.

Finally, the last person in front of me had given their order and soon it was my time to tell them what my mom had written on the little note she always gave us to take along in case we forgot. There it was, the woman’s voice friendly and clear once again said: “who’s next?”. I took a small step forward so I would be right at the counter and opened my mouth to speak when a woman behind me begun to give her order before I could get a word out. I turned around and looked a little up at her, a man next to her looked at me and then at the woman behind the counter.

I knew that he knew I was before the woman because they had come in almost at the same time. I thought he was going to speak up for me, but no, he didn’t and then the lady who had spoken before her turn was done giving her order and the woman loudly said again: “Whos next?” She looked at me but the man who had looked at me opened his mouth to give his order. So quickly I said, “It’s my turn, I was already before that lady who also went before me, they both came in after me.”

Everyone turned their heads at me while I said that and I felt a little anxious. Mind you, most of my childhood I was being bullied at school (15 years long) so you can imagine my insecurity perhaps, trying to stand up for myself amongst all these adults. I was a little upset because the man knew I was before him because I was already inside before he came in. On top of that, I was always taught not to speak when adults talk and to wait for my turn. This kinda felt I was breaking those rules but, it was my turn and I also knew I had to stand up for myself. So I did as well as I could at that young age (I was about 8 or 9 at the time).

The lady behind the counter who had been taking the orders looked at me and she continued to take the man’s order. When he was done another person stepped forward giving their order and I was kind of pushed to the back and no one heard me say any more for the second time that it was my turn. Except for one person, the other lady who was working behind the counter and who I did know for as long as I had been living there and going to that snack bar. So she stepped towards the side of the counter where i was near and said aloud: “Hold on, it’s her turn all you guys been skipping her now and that’s just not right, come here girl” looking at me and reaching for the little paper in my hand, “Whatcha need?”.

Again everyone stared at me and I felt a little embarrassed and shy from all this attention and also because not all the looks where just as friendly especially not those who had skipped me in line and were being told on. Instead of feeling bad and guilty, they were upset with me because I existed basically and that kept them from skipping in line. I reached with I had towards her and gave her the little paper. At least I wouldn’t have to speak, I wasn’t even sure how my voice would sound now.

She moved the other orders back and started working on mine now first while there were still people waiting to receive their order who had been in front of me. Those too now were not happy with me probably when they realized I was being served first but no one dared to speak up anymore because they all knew what had happened and that that had been wrong. ” Don’t worry girl’ don’t let those grown-ups intimidate you, I got you, just speak up when it’s your turn.” The woman said aloud again, I guess she noticed the faces the other customers had been making and she put them in their place.

Shortly after I received my order, I thanked her with a big smile and kept my head up as I walked out of the door and as soon as I was outside out of sight of their sight I ran home confused, relieved that I was out of there, but still feeling awkward and anxious because I would face these people again sooner or later since I lived in a small town.

This is just one small example of how entitlement and also in some way privilege works. Those grownups felt entitled to skip my turn simply because of their “power” over me as adults and simply because they were adults.

What did all this get to do with racism? Nothing, nothing at all. Why is it in the header then? Because, my dear readers what if this was not little me in a snack bar but what if this was about a little 4-year-old boy who had to face a judge in court whos language he may not even be able to understand fully. Alone, without an attorney, without his parents, because they were deported by ICE back from the USA to Mexico.

That’s the moment that this story turns into not only entitlement, privilege, and racism but its plain child abuse. That little child will be traumatized for life being ripped away from his parents having to live for several years into something that’s supposed to be a safe shelter where he possible has to face all kinds of physical abuse and maybe even sexual abuse, not knowing if or when he ever see his parents again, not understanding what happened to them.

That’s when. Let that sink in.

You may have felt bad for me after reading that first part of my story, and it was a little sad but guess what, I was privileged. How? Because with my white skin I wouldn’t have to worry much about being discriminated, separated from my parents, or locked up because my parents are Mexican. Don’t think for a minute that people with different skin colors or cultures do not have to face all the hardships in life too.

Thank you for reading. I hope this little story will make you think twice about a thing or two in this world.

Much love, Luna

Humanity collectively refers to human however it can also refer to the virtue of humanity. Now let’s go to this last one. What exactly is humanity

“Humanity is a virtue associated with the basic ethics of altruism derived from the human condition. It also symbolizes human love and compassion towards each other. ” source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Humanity_(virtue)

Now looking at this perspective sadly enough there’s not always a lot of humanity to be found in humanity, how contradicting and a hypocrite is this?

When we look around us and start with the people close to us and how we treat those or how we like others to treat those, its easy to find humanity but when we look at what is happening to people who stand far away from us, whether it be in distance or just in culture, religion, race, etc we can see a huge difference there. Suddenly the humanity that was really high before drops really fast. Humans do not have so much understanding of others as we like to think.

Especially usually those more fortunate who have had less unfortunate events in their lives find it hard to bring up this humanity. Lack of understanding for others may be often lack of experience or education. But also fear, If we recognize another person’s suffering while we are not in such a position doesn’t that mean we should be helping those people? Of course, we do! And this helping begins with recognizing and accepting the reality of those people suffering. Even when you are not physically or even emotionally able to reach out and help those people, by acknowledging reality and not turning our heads the other way we already are showing humanity because we are recognizing another one’s suffering.

Often we can go further and actively reach out and offer in one way or another our support. This can be in many ways and forms. We can educate others and share ou knowledge and with that our humanity and care and love for another human being. Understanding that at any moment in time the table could be turned due to whatever disaster or change in the world that may take place is underestimated.

Then let’s take a step further and look again at these other humans suffering and place the face of a loved one instead of the face of all these strangers. Suddenly this changes the level of humanity we find in ourselves often with heaps. Much more effort will be done to help and support the other person.

Even when we ourselves are suffering realize and remember that accepting and acknowledging another person’s suffering does not change your own, it won’t suddenly become less or more it stays equal and that’s at the bottom base of humanity, equality and when we truly see equality humanity is born to its fullness.

Then I look at my social media and see posts from friends supporting all kinds of sources, organizations, and people far away from them often and strangely those people seem to fear to look near themselves and reach out to those near them. As if it is the complete other way around now and the lack of distance and differences between two people suddenly creates fear and with that humanity disappears just the same. People distance themselves from it then often.

What do I mean? Well, just look at yourselves, how many of you have reached out to a neighbor or the family across the street from us knowing they have some difficulties at hand. Offering them practical support or just empathy and showing compassion. In such cases, people often just rather judge then support unfortunately because then that person suffering from depression becomes a burden or even a danger because its negative. A lot do not care to put the effort to learn the story or gain the knowledge of what those people actually are suffering from and what this truly means.

And when they do not like those people for whatever reason the level of humanity sinks even further. Judgemental blaming, instead of compassion and empathy. gossiping, belittling, and pitty are more likely to occur instead of understanding that those people suffer the same as those that we do love and like. With the negative behavior being displayed they actually even add to those peoples suffering. and why, they do not get any better from it, do we? They don’t gain anything.

I would like to end my post with this because those who needed to read this and find a deeper sense of the meaning of humanity in themselves probably already have a lot to think about now with a whole world opening up for them. Thank you all for those who have come this far to read my post.

My adrenaline is still through the roof. I don’t get to sleep altho I do try to rest. My CBD oil is helping me keep my emotions at bay. As much as I wish my adrenaline would go down so I can sleep, it also helps me to stay strong and get through yet another hurdle on my way.

I am trying to find space to focus on my own healing but at this point its more damage control than anything else. It is good I assume that I am able to put the things I have learned in practice but it should not be necessary. It should not be necessary.

I feel strong but also very much heartbroken because of how limited I am. Watching and only being able to observe and swallow I am almost bursting sometimes from the emotions I need to contain. Today I surprised myself with my self-control. I was angry, so very angry yet I continued being in control over my emotions apart from the fact I couldn’t control the pain of my anger coming out. I regret the tears I shed. They noticed my pain but not my anger.

After all these years of therapy, I still do not know how to show when I am angry. I was asked or rather told that I was sad even after I said I was angry. I expressed why I was angry, yet my words seem to have not met anyone hearing them and actually listening to what I have said. Should I have been more aggressive in my wording to show my anger? Should I have been louder? I wished I could have made my self bigger, maybe that would have helped me with being taken more seriously.

If the next meeting will be in the same manner then I will return home before it ends. When I get up from my chair and let them know that I am done with people thinking their time is more precious than that from my daughter and wasting it trying to divert all the time meant for my child to them maybe then they will understand I don’t play games and being taken seriously.

I have no time for this. My child has no time for this. It’s not about them, it’s not about me, it’s about her. It’s about her! I am angry. very very angry.

As much as we sometimes would want to erase people from our lives, it’s rather impossible to completely erase that person. They have left an imprint that will always be there. It’s like a drawing sometimes you press a little harder on your pencil then other times and trying to erase it leaves a more clear imprint then when you don’t add so much pressure. Ppl, that are close to us or have a big impact on our lives leave similar imprints.

It’s impossible to completely erase that imprint from our lives and in some cases, unfortunately, we cant start over like you can with a drawing on a clean sheet of paper. And this can be a very heavy burden when a person is traumatized. What we can try to do is use those imprints as blueprints, blueprints that show what paths not to follow…