Safety
We all want to feel safe and a lot of us do up to a certain point that is. But now I am here today concluding and stating that feeling safe is just a false perception that the mind creates for us so we don’t get overwhelmed by fears. NO ONE is truly safe.
Anyone is at any point in time subject to be caught in a disaster. This can be a personal disaster but just as easily something more massive like we see in earthquakes or floods and the like. No matter how healthy you eat and how careful you are, don’t drink, don’t smoke, etc, etc. you still can die from a heart attack, lung cancer, etc. Most of us have to go outside at least sometimes and then too we put ourselves at risk by even more dangers in our environment.
Aside from all these physical injuries, we are also subject to become a victim of internal damage to our brains due to emotional trauma for example. So we create healthy boundaries to protect ourselves and all that more. Yet still, there will always, always be things that can cause us to get hurt, Major heartbreak, depression, loneliness, etc. These things can really cut in hard and leave permanent damage to your personality. It will change who you are often. Sometimes just a little bit but other times it creates fears and phobias that are life-changing and not usually in a good way.
I bring up this topic because I have not been feeling safe for the most part of my life and when I finally thought I was safe with someone it turns out I am not. People I am supposed to feel safe with who supposed to catch you when you fall and not drop you when you already are at your lowest or add to the damage that’s been done to you.
I gave this a lot of thought because I am tired of not feeling safe, it’s exhausting to be always on guard and that when the moment that I am not on guard I always end up getting hurt badly. MY fears keep getting bigger and bigger even tho I am getting stronger the feelings don’t change for the better unless I completely keep to myself and then the isolation gets to me.
I am 46 years old and used to have a lot of dreams and wishes, The list of my personal wishes isn’t so long anymore. I wished and wanted to have another child but at this point even when I would still want to I am taking it off my list because of everything I wrote above. Happiness comes with feeling safe and actually I believe is rather essential for this, whether its a false sense of safety or not it does do what it needs to do.
Concluding that safety and happiness go hand in hand my depression slowly starts sinking in again. I don’t feel safe. Everyone who I should have felt safe with and protected me from hurt and harm and or be there for me at times of need is and where not. I am afraid of the permanent damage that this is doing to me. The feeling I don’t belong keeps getting stronger.
Again the fear of insanity peeks around the corners for me however my fears are very rational because the things I fear have happened to me and can happen again if I give it a chance. Some may say but what if they don’t happen. Well If they don’t happen then I am going to be living with the constant fear that It may happen anyway because at one point it did happen and it happened more as once in different times and places.
I am talking about abuse, physical emotional and all the other kinds you can think of. But also some very serious issues with my health like lumps that I have found in my breast a couple of years ago. Even then I really did not have someone to talk to about it really. Breast cancer or other forms of cancer can be very deadly and life-changing when you have to undergo surgery to remove body parts.
There are very few people who know about these things that I have been dealing with and the lumps in my breast that I had found barely anyone knows about. Just because I post about it here doesn’t mean I want to talk with someone about it. I just wanted to include it in my post to make it complete.
Therapy is supposed to make my life better and in a way it is, yet at the same time it complicates it for me too because even tho my struggles are less, the pain I feel is just as strong and my fears are still causing a lot of disturbance underneath that keeps me from being able to be happy.
