Shattered
A kind and good heart is burning in my chest, my stomach is upset because my heart hurts so much. My only family will be my daughters that I will celebrate Christmas with. No friends or other family. Christmas is around the corner and although I am not religious and truly do not celebrate the birth of Christ or anything of the likes, I enjoy the colorful lights and the sparks that I spread through my house during the season. It helps me fight my seasonal depression. But at the same time, the energy to set it all up is far to be found. I don’t have felt the joy yet, Just a sore back and feeling exhausted. A heavy weight on my shoulders when I look at my little girl. I somehow have to turn this Christmas too in something joyful for her. I have a few events outside the house planned that hopefully will just do that.
I have of course been volunteering at school again with the decoration crafts in the class and when they celebrate they’re Christmas at school with a meal I will be there too to help out. Of course, there is a lot to be grateful for and I am Tho the crack in my heart casts a shadow on the smile that I will carry on my face. Today I carried the boxes with Christmas decorations upstairs, unpacked the tree and have started to decorate a little bit. It’s just going to be again less than last year like its shimmering down every year now. I miss having the energy and passion I once had to decorate throughout the whole house. I created things and my house was always so pretty. Now its average and I can only look in the mirror to find the one to blame.
I know i am hard on myself but that’s me. I don’t like to slack and do things half and that I simply have to accept not having the energy cuts in and adds to my depression that’s lurking around the corner again. Pieces of my shattered heart I find in every memory that I hold so dear. Some pieces are lost and can not be replaced. Yet I believe I still have a beautiful heart as heavy as it is right now.
