I have done it before and I can do it again. I am a woman, I am resilient, I am a Gemini and I am beautiful inside and out. I am an amazing woman with amazing strength. For now, I do what I need to get back on my feet and focus on myself and my two amazing daughters.

I have booked a little get away in a hotel at the beach for me and my youngest daughter this summer. I am sure we will have a great time. I spend so much time searching and looking for a place and everything that came up gave me more and more anxiety.

Then I remembered the hotel at the beach that I stayed at some years ago. It’s Only a 5-minute walk from the hotel to the Northsea beach and located in a cute little village with a lighthouse, lots of little shops and plenty of restaurants to choose from.

The hotel has free wifi, an indoor swimming pool, a bowling alley, indoor play garden for the kids, two restaurants to choose from and we can rent bikes there too. So even if the Dutch weather decides not to cooperate we can entertain ourselves for a little bit indoors too.

It’s only a 2,5 hour trip with public transport and the bus stops right at the entrance of the hotel. Breakfast is included so it has everything to make it a hassle-free stay. Its a family hotel so there will be other kids around most likely too that my daughter can play with. OH, and I got it for a good price too! I’m so looking forward to this little trip.

While my heart is breaking I am looking deep inside me to get to the pain to heal it. The pain comes from attachment. There are many myths about it and a lot of arguments whether the attachment is good or bad.

What is an attachment in relationships exactly? Attachment is an emotional bond between two individuals or a group of people.

Why is an attachment actually important? The ability as an individual to form and grow an emotional and physical attachment to another individual gives a sense of stability and security which we find necessary to take risks, branch out, and grow and develop as a person.

Attachment is bad when you restrict yourself in such a way that you cant develop yourself or grow your own personality when your stability depends solely on the other person. That’s when you need to start working on your insecurities and self-esteem. You can not blame the other person for this because it is something that you do not the other.

When the other person restricts and requires you to depend on them in such a way that you can not develop yourself and grow as a person then they are controlling and you should check your boundaries.

Love and attachment are not the same things. Me loving in a romantic way however does require an emotional bond for me and with that attachment.

I am sad to realize that I have restricted myself because of the other person in an unhealthy way. So now I am healing myself and working again on boundaries that I have yet to discover that I should install to protect myself.

What happened to me in the last few days has seriously retraumatized me. and I need to pack myself together again rappidly before I fall back more into my depression. I don’t know how.

Everytime new “friends” get involveved, sometimes purposedly because we or I tried to find someone to talk to and at other times I get blamed that those people are at fault for the problems and I lose the people I have been trying to befriend.

I am scared of my own judgement now and afraid I lose my mind. Paranoya about who I can trust and who not. Scared about anything I say because it can be seen out of context and backfire on me. I am scared and just long for safety.

A moment where I can relax n takes a breath of calm and peace, a little breeze of happiness. I have been trying to find that in sleep but I keep waking with panic attacks and during the days my anxiety is reaching top levels. I am so freaking stressed out. I’m emotionally drained and physically too.

I have never been someone to look to others to save me but I am getting there. I’m feeling like a helpless child in a grown body, ridiculous and worthless. Yet there is no one to reach out to anymore. What am I gonna do? Sighs.

Today another appointment for my new therapy which I don’t even know what it is or when it supposed to start. I don’t want to go. I am tired of fighting. This battle I can’t win is ongoing. It’s like a cancerous disease. Lifetaking and exhausting.

Abuse is defined as any action that intentionally harms or injures another person.

I know it goes much further than that and that there are many more types and kinds of abuse that needs a wider explanation than the above, however the above is the worst in my opinion. We all make mistakes and unintentionally hurt someone else sometimes. We feel regret when we do and wish we could undo it. But when it has been done intentionally you cannot expect such a thing as remorse.

You can not control what other people do only how you react to it. I try to distance myself from abuse though that does not mean that I don’t feel it or that it misses the goal. I wish for them to heal from their own traumas so others may not get abused anymore by them in the future. For their victims, including me, I wish recovery and strength to heal from what I and they have encountered.

My fears that already had been excelarating because of his betrayal before have gone through the roof now. Against better judgement I started talking to my last bf again and again we met with the same issues as before. How this was handled and dealed with was very painfull and humiliating for me.

I love him still and my heart is burning out of its chest. My emotions are all over the place and swing from unbearable pain and sadness to shock and feeling numb as if fires rage and destroy my heart and leaving it with only ashes just to have the flames rise again shortly after to restart this circle of emotions.

I do not know where and how I find the strength to keep going without any support or anyone to motivate me to keep going but I don’t have a choice. I feel crushed, used and abused and tossed away like garbage. I need someone I can trust, I need a hug. How does one keep going when you feel you can’t anymore?

I have chosen to post this list of my boundaries so I can access it always anywhere to remind myself of these things, but also because other people may find it of use when they are having a hard time making their own boundaries. I know I had a hard time with it.

One of the things I became aware of is that setting boundaries once you know what they are, is the easiest part. To maintain them however is not.

My healing journey where I am now putting down my boundaries is going to be one of trial and error I am very well aware of this. However in the past I have learned that I am allowed to fall and make mistakes and then try again with the experience I have gained.

First I made a little list for myself of things that I think I need to be able to be successfully maintaining my healthy boundaries.

• I need self-awareness. (check)
• I need to recognize my needs. (getting better at it)
• I need to seek support (hard without a support system but I am trying)
• I need to be assertive in a healthy way (still difficult)
• I need self-care (eating is hard but I manage, sleeping is a problem still, and I make sure I take y CBD oil)
• I need to be direct about my boundaries (learning phase)
• I need to name my limits. ( I don’t like doing things half, so it’s difficult)
• I need to get more self-esteem/confidence. (hopefully, my next therapy will help)

The next list shows what I have accomplished so far.

• I have been working hard on being self-aware since I started my therapy and I’m constantly working on that still.
• I am recognizing my needs more and more due to become more self-aware.
• My needs in a relationship with a partner are not the same as my needs in a relationship with family or friends. (I’m still working on the “friends needs” list)
• My needs in a relationship can be defined by intimacy, compassion, respect, support, trust, affection, attention.

And now finally my list of boundaries. This list is still a work in progress and therefore will be changing over time as I see fit. I probably will reword this list over time and combine things or simplify it. I know this list may seem strange to people who have no issues with boundaries but understand that these are things I have difficulties with because of my traumas.

• If I want to spend time doing things alone or with people other then my partner then I should be able to if this is not something that would harm my partner in any way or our relationship.
• I speak up about my wants and needs and allow others to do so as well.
• I give my partner the space to do things he wants to do without me with other people if he wants to as long as they do not harm me or our relationship.
• I have the right to say what I need to say without being interrupted. If I am being interrupted I have the right to say something about that. If this is a problem I have the right to choose to leave the conversation.
• When I interrupt my partner (or anyone else) when he is talking then he has the right to call me on it and I should listen and let him finish talking. If this is a problem and I don’t allow that then he has the right to choose to leave the conversation.
• I have the right to be angry at my partner or other people. I should be aware of how I act and behave when I am angry and stay rational. I am allowed to let you know that I am angry at you and why.
• My partner is allowed to be angry at me and so are other people. I do not have to make sure to fit everyone’s needs so they do not get angry at me however the consequences will be mine to carry.
• I take the time I need to do the things I need to do or want to do for myself.
• I let my partner and others do the things he/they need to do and want to do and give him/ the time he needs to do for that
• I can be friends with anyone I want as long as this does not harm my relationship. He has the right to let me know if one of my friendships bothers him. It is up to me what I do with this information.
• My partner can be friends with who he wants when it does not harm our relationship. I have the right to let him know when one of his friendships bothers me. It is up to him what he does with that information.
• If my partner or anyone else yells at me during a conversation I will let him know to stop yelling, If he refuses I will leave the conversation.
• If I yell at my partner or anyone else yells at me during a conversation he has the right to tell me to stop and if I refuse or continue he has the right to leave the conversation.
• I have the right to say what I need to say in a conversation as much as the other person does as long as it’s in a civil manner.
• Other people need to be able to say to me what they need to say when it is in a civil manner.
• If my partner or anyone else chooses to befriend someone who has harmed me or is harming me then I have the right to distance myself from them to protect myself.
• I do not have to allow other people to touch me and I have the right to speak up about it. I also have the right to protect my personal space. I give the same respect to others.
• When I or my boundaries have been disrespected or trust has been broken then I will maintain a safe distance from these people as I see fit until I feel this trust and respect has been restored to a point that this distance I created is no longer needed.
• I will apologize on my own when I believe I have wronged someone on purpose or by accident. I do not have to apologize just because other people say so. Neither will I force others to apologize to me.
• I share my personal information in an appropriate way. I try not to overshare or under-share
• When I say no, others will have to respect this. If they don’t then I have to right to distance myself from them. I will respect others when they say no to me.
• I decide how I feel about something. My feelings are my own and others have to respect them just as well as I will respect other peoples feelings. It is not up to me to decide how they should feel about something.
• I won’t play mind games and people who I believe play mind games with me I will distance myself from.