I have chosen to post this list of my boundaries so I can access it always anywhere to remind myself of these things, but also because other people may find it of use when they are having a hard time making their own boundaries. I know I had a hard time with it.

One of the things I became aware of is that setting boundaries once you know what they are, is the easiest part. To maintain them however is not.

My healing journey where I am now putting down my boundaries is going to be one of trial and error I am very well aware of this. However in the past I have learned that I am allowed to fall and make mistakes and then try again with the experience I have gained.

First I made a little list for myself of things that I think I need to be able to be successfully maintaining my healthy boundaries.

• I need self-awareness. (check)
• I need to recognize my needs. (getting better at it)
• I need to seek support (hard without a support system but I am trying)
• I need to be assertive in a healthy way (still difficult)
• I need self-care (eating is hard but I manage, sleeping is a problem still, and I make sure I take y CBD oil)
• I need to be direct about my boundaries (learning phase)
• I need to name my limits. ( I don’t like doing things half, so it’s difficult)
• I need to get more self-esteem/confidence. (hopefully, my next therapy will help)

The next list shows what I have accomplished so far.

• I have been working hard on being self-aware since I started my therapy and I’m constantly working on that still.
• I am recognizing my needs more and more due to become more self-aware.
• My needs in a relationship with a partner are not the same as my needs in a relationship with family or friends. (I’m still working on the “friends needs” list)
• My needs in a relationship can be defined by intimacy, compassion, respect, support, trust, affection, attention.

And now finally my list of boundaries. This list is still a work in progress and therefore will be changing over time as I see fit. I probably will reword this list over time and combine things or simplify it. I know this list may seem strange to people who have no issues with boundaries but understand that these are things I have difficulties with because of my traumas.

• If I want to spend time doing things alone or with people other then my partner then I should be able to if this is not something that would harm my partner in any way or our relationship.
• I speak up about my wants and needs and allow others to do so as well.
• I give my partner the space to do things he wants to do without me with other people if he wants to as long as they do not harm me or our relationship.
• I have the right to say what I need to say without being interrupted. If I am being interrupted I have the right to say something about that. If this is a problem I have the right to choose to leave the conversation.
• When I interrupt my partner (or anyone else) when he is talking then he has the right to call me on it and I should listen and let him finish talking. If this is a problem and I don’t allow that then he has the right to choose to leave the conversation.
• I have the right to be angry at my partner or other people. I should be aware of how I act and behave when I am angry and stay rational. I am allowed to let you know that I am angry at you and why.
• My partner is allowed to be angry at me and so are other people. I do not have to make sure to fit everyone’s needs so they do not get angry at me however the consequences will be mine to carry.
• I take the time I need to do the things I need to do or want to do for myself.
• I let my partner and others do the things he/they need to do and want to do and give him/ the time he needs to do for that
• I can be friends with anyone I want as long as this does not harm my relationship. He has the right to let me know if one of my friendships bothers him. It is up to me what I do with this information.
• My partner can be friends with who he wants when it does not harm our relationship. I have the right to let him know when one of his friendships bothers me. It is up to him what he does with that information.
• If my partner or anyone else yells at me during a conversation I will let him know to stop yelling, If he refuses I will leave the conversation.
• If I yell at my partner or anyone else yells at me during a conversation he has the right to tell me to stop and if I refuse or continue he has the right to leave the conversation.
• I have the right to say what I need to say in a conversation as much as the other person does as long as it’s in a civil manner.
• Other people need to be able to say to me what they need to say when it is in a civil manner.
• If my partner or anyone else chooses to befriend someone who has harmed me or is harming me then I have the right to distance myself from them to protect myself.
• I do not have to allow other people to touch me and I have the right to speak up about it. I also have the right to protect my personal space. I give the same respect to others.
• When I or my boundaries have been disrespected or trust has been broken then I will maintain a safe distance from these people as I see fit until I feel this trust and respect has been restored to a point that this distance I created is no longer needed.
• I will apologize on my own when I believe I have wronged someone on purpose or by accident. I do not have to apologize just because other people say so. Neither will I force others to apologize to me.
• I share my personal information in an appropriate way. I try not to overshare or under-share
• When I say no, others will have to respect this. If they don’t then I have to right to distance myself from them. I will respect others when they say no to me.
• I decide how I feel about something. My feelings are my own and others have to respect them just as well as I will respect other peoples feelings. It is not up to me to decide how they should feel about something.
• I won’t play mind games and people who I believe play mind games with me I will distance myself from.

Yesterday I learned once more that being right or wrong in a relationship really does not matter.  I find myself being right most of the time which is being acknowledge by the other person as well, but seldom I find that satisfying. Being right or wrong often depends on perspective and is not needed to be defined to come to an solution if both parties are working towards a solution and not working towards being right or proving the other to be wrong. Working towards the being right or proving the other to be wrong can lead to a solution but you may wonder if both parties will truly be satisfied with the outcome. Having respect for the other person and accepting the differences between each other may lead to a more satisfied solution even if it is the exact solution in both cases and the secret to that lays in the path towards the solution, simple because the outcome in both situation can be totally different and being right then may seem so insignificant.

Being right does not mean the same thing as doing the right thing. When being told I’m right  in an argument I usually mention how much I don’t like being right. It never felt satisfying and usually only showed losses and very little win of the situation. I never really could define why but more and more I learned how being right was not satisfying for me or the other person. My point of view, me as a person, my words, my thoughts, my position in the situation, they all may be right, but it is how I handle in the particular position in the situation that matters, for I still may end up being wrong when I handle wrong in my pride or arrogance by the need of being right. I’ve learned that in competitions for rightness, there is never really a winner and that being right may lead more often then not to losing that what truly mattered, happiness.

I rather receive the respect of my loved one and making them happy then hearing I am right. After long thinking and dealing with an unsatisfying outcome and negative feelings about my own position and a situation  yesterday, I grew today more in my understanding that being right does not matter and I have learned more so now why. Unfortunately this was at cost of my sweethearts happiness which made me truly sad and hurt. The full understanding of why came too late to make things truly right and now I can only ask for his forgiveness. I don’t see how I can truly rightfully make up in the future for what I caused but I can try to put this lesson in practice and hope my foolish heart will let me.

Next time I will have to ask myself what matters most, being right or being happy and its not hard to come to understand that my answer is being happy. What is a lot harder is to figure out what to do to find this “happy” because in my traumas when being triggered and in deep pain I find myself very much at loss of direction and of what makes me happy because I am being overwhelmed by a flood of emotions and its hard to dig through all those to find my way through the overlaying emotions to the actual emotion which will lead to the answer to what is this “happy”