I have chosen to post this list of my boundaries so I can access it always anywhere to remind myself of these things, but also because other people may find it of use when they are having a hard time making their own boundaries. I know I had a hard time with it.

One of the things I became aware of is that setting boundaries once you know what they are, is the easiest part. To maintain them however is not.

My healing journey where I am now putting down my boundaries is going to be one of trial and error I am very well aware of this. However in the past I have learned that I am allowed to fall and make mistakes and then try again with the experience I have gained.

First I made a little list for myself of things that I think I need to be able to be successfully maintaining my healthy boundaries.

• I need self-awareness. (check)
• I need to recognize my needs. (getting better at it)
• I need to seek support (hard without a support system but I am trying)
• I need to be assertive in a healthy way (still difficult)
• I need self-care (eating is hard but I manage, sleeping is a problem still, and I make sure I take y CBD oil)
• I need to be direct about my boundaries (learning phase)
• I need to name my limits. ( I don’t like doing things half, so it’s difficult)
• I need to get more self-esteem/confidence. (hopefully, my next therapy will help)

The next list shows what I have accomplished so far.

• I have been working hard on being self-aware since I started my therapy and I’m constantly working on that still.
• I am recognizing my needs more and more due to become more self-aware.
• My needs in a relationship with a partner are not the same as my needs in a relationship with family or friends. (I’m still working on the “friends needs” list)
• My needs in a relationship can be defined by intimacy, compassion, respect, support, trust, affection, attention.

And now finally my list of boundaries. This list is still a work in progress and therefore will be changing over time as I see fit. I probably will reword this list over time and combine things or simplify it. I know this list may seem strange to people who have no issues with boundaries but understand that these are things I have difficulties with because of my traumas.

• If I want to spend time doing things alone or with people other then my partner then I should be able to if this is not something that would harm my partner in any way or our relationship.
• I speak up about my wants and needs and allow others to do so as well.
• I give my partner the space to do things he wants to do without me with other people if he wants to as long as they do not harm me or our relationship.
• I have the right to say what I need to say without being interrupted. If I am being interrupted I have the right to say something about that. If this is a problem I have the right to choose to leave the conversation.
• When I interrupt my partner (or anyone else) when he is talking then he has the right to call me on it and I should listen and let him finish talking. If this is a problem and I don’t allow that then he has the right to choose to leave the conversation.
• I have the right to be angry at my partner or other people. I should be aware of how I act and behave when I am angry and stay rational. I am allowed to let you know that I am angry at you and why.
• My partner is allowed to be angry at me and so are other people. I do not have to make sure to fit everyone’s needs so they do not get angry at me however the consequences will be mine to carry.
• I take the time I need to do the things I need to do or want to do for myself.
• I let my partner and others do the things he/they need to do and want to do and give him/ the time he needs to do for that
• I can be friends with anyone I want as long as this does not harm my relationship. He has the right to let me know if one of my friendships bothers him. It is up to me what I do with this information.
• My partner can be friends with who he wants when it does not harm our relationship. I have the right to let him know when one of his friendships bothers me. It is up to him what he does with that information.
• If my partner or anyone else yells at me during a conversation I will let him know to stop yelling, If he refuses I will leave the conversation.
• If I yell at my partner or anyone else yells at me during a conversation he has the right to tell me to stop and if I refuse or continue he has the right to leave the conversation.
• I have the right to say what I need to say in a conversation as much as the other person does as long as it’s in a civil manner.
• Other people need to be able to say to me what they need to say when it is in a civil manner.
• If my partner or anyone else chooses to befriend someone who has harmed me or is harming me then I have the right to distance myself from them to protect myself.
• I do not have to allow other people to touch me and I have the right to speak up about it. I also have the right to protect my personal space. I give the same respect to others.
• When I or my boundaries have been disrespected or trust has been broken then I will maintain a safe distance from these people as I see fit until I feel this trust and respect has been restored to a point that this distance I created is no longer needed.
• I will apologize on my own when I believe I have wronged someone on purpose or by accident. I do not have to apologize just because other people say so. Neither will I force others to apologize to me.
• I share my personal information in an appropriate way. I try not to overshare or under-share
• When I say no, others will have to respect this. If they don’t then I have to right to distance myself from them. I will respect others when they say no to me.
• I decide how I feel about something. My feelings are my own and others have to respect them just as well as I will respect other peoples feelings. It is not up to me to decide how they should feel about something.
• I won’t play mind games and people who I believe play mind games with me I will distance myself from.

My hours spend on gaming often might be thought of as a waste. For me it is a way to let go. To relax and to escape the stress my trauma’s bring me. In a way I can’t anywhere else sometimes.

People seem often to think so light about it and I can but only wonder if they have even a clue what’s going on really and what trauma means. Its not something you can put aside or leave behind, you carry it with you anywhere and anytime. The inability to controle the fears inside me and the emotional pain I have to overcome everytime. The shame and desperarion I feel after I have been triggered. I keep moving forward but my past keeps pulling me back. It’s a constant struggle. Ignoring it leads to nightmares and more anxiety attacks because it simply does not go away just like that.

Sometimes I can easily tell what triggered me but I often can’t even tell because I simply don’t know and it’s a combination of things. I have been developing anxieties due to surviving techniques I have adjusted myself to, to live with my trauma’s and past. These survival techniques I developed myself according to my abilities and the situation because it is in humans nature to survive.

Someone who can’t swim will struggle and fight to survive. These struggles triggered by panick might eventually be the reason that they won’t survive. Simple floating would be a life saving technique. But when you have never learned this then you most likely don’t know how to use this.

My self taught survivingtechniques have lead to all kind of other issues and now they are not useful anymore they harm me and even makes me disfunctional at times. Self destructive behaviour for example is something I need to be really aware of. My self esteem, many people who know me would not even understand it or believe it but it’s zero. When playing those games I can relax and relativate and evaluate. It gives me a moment to let go of stress aside of the fact that some games are just fun to play.

Time passes and is something you don’t get back once it’s passed, so we should be very careful  how our time is spend. Wasted money can be regained. Wasted time is just that, wasted. Sometimes that’s ok. The time you enjoy wasting, is not wasted. It’s time well spend. My hours spend on gaming often might be thought of as a waste. That’s ok it’s my time and not theirs. They don’t live my life and I dont live theirs. They can’t have my time and I don’t want theirs my own time and life is difficult enough as it is.

It’s also about treasuring moments you enjoy and creating time to enjoy and allowing yourself to enjoy time spend on something. It’s part of self care and allowing yourself to be who you are. Acknowledging is the beginning of change. Understanding that being ok is sometimes good enough, that failing is part of life and is alowed. I don’t have to be what other people want me to be, and that learning costs time so I need to allow myself this time. It took time to get where I am now so it will take time to come where I’m heading at as well.