Being pushed with my face on the hard truths after a trigger is truthfully painful. Yes, pun intended.

Today I have faced and learned the truth about my own impatience when I am in crisis. I have realized I am “hiding” behind the fact that I have C-PTSD. Realizing that I have used it as a shield hurts a lot. I have said it too many times, ” I can’t help it I have C-PTSD ” Which is partly true. I do have C-Ptsd but I am still responsible for my own actions. This is, to begin with, the reason why I have been working so hard on healing. And then coming to the conclusion that I didn’t take that responsibility like I should have been doing was a kick in the ass I rightfully deserved.

When I am in crisis I have no patience because there’s fear, intrusive thoughts, and emotional pain that takes over my rational thinking. I am ashamed of the fact that I couldn’t control these emotions. I handled it all wrong and I am sorry.

I don’t think there’s anything really that can excuse me from taking that responsibility.

Am I too hard on myself? I don’t think I am. I feel confident that I am able to learn to practice more patience I only hope and pray that those who love me and that I surround myself with will practice their patience with me as well while I am healing and learning. I am in fact actually grateful I was able to face this truth, it gives me the chance to do something with it.

I just wish I had this much insight when I am in fact in crisis. Let this be a wake-up call for me.