Every so often I get challenged with questions about my symptoms and my self diagnose of C-PTSD. Understandable from one point of view but at the same time the other side of the coin is that it hurts, a lot. One of the things that I’ve been challenged with a few times is my memory loss, my short term memory damage that I have to deal with. It’s opted a few times that it’s a selective memory that I have.

It’s very painful to go from a very good memory to someone who has a very bad memory. I was a student who didn’t have to study for her exams, A child who won most memory games. Today I have to write things down I want to remember and set a timer to be reminded about events. It’s very painful that the symptoms of abuse, done to me by other people are being used against me.

I have not received an official diagnosis of C-PTSD because it’s not in the DSM 5. That’s why simple as is. In the next DSM, it will be listed and you will see that more people will be (unfortunately) receiving the diagnose of C-PTSD. However at the beginning of my healing journey when I went to my doc the first time and they forwarded me to the trauma center who treated me The diagnose I was given was C-PTSD. That’s what my doctor wrote down.

Since my first appointment was still far away I started to research C-PTSD and I found Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. From thinking I was losing my mind and going insane I suddenly had a lot of lightbulbs around me flashing on one after another. I started to understand what was happening to me was the result of trauma, abuse and I was definitely not going insane At a much later appointment with that same doctor and it was discussed again I found out they meant Chronic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. However, that doesn’t match with the abuse I’ve gone through.

PTSD is mostly caused by single event trauma at any point in life whereas C-PTSD is caused by severe ongoing trauma starting in early childhood and is usually caused by several types of abuse.

The trauma center specialized in my type of trauma never gave me any single diagnosis they just treated me for my symptoms. Treatments that have been given for people with C-PTSD and when I say C-PTSD I mean Complex PTSD. It makes sense because C-PTSD is known to have such a variety of symptoms that overlap symptoms of other mental health problems that they simply don’t want to be misdiagnosed by anyone and it’s as mentioned before NOT in the DSM 5. Treatments that have been given for people with C-PTSD and when I say C-PTSD I mean Complex PTSD.

“The stress of PTSD can have an adverse effect on memory. Specifically, this can have severe effects on the hippocampus, including a decrease in hippocampus volume, causing problems with transferring short–term to long–term memory, and with the formation of short–term memories” Quoted from Wikipedia

“According to recent research, the hippocampus, an organ in your brain, literally shrinks by 8 percent in the brains of PTSD sufferers. That’s a significant problem because the hippocampus is responsible for regulating emotion, storing long-term memory, and sorting old and new memories.” Quoted from April Lyons

Stress can cause acute and chronic changes in certain brain areas which can cause long-term damage. Over-secretion of stress hormones most frequently impairs long-term delayed recall memory but can enhance short-term immediate recall memory. This enhancement is particularly relative to emotional memory. Quoted from Wikipedia

I have been sexually, physically, and emotionally abused, I don’t have a selective memory, I have C-PTSD. It’s hard enough already to deal with everything I meet with throughout my day without having to defend myself for my symptoms. Especially in stressful situations, when I’m trying to focus on not dissociating and when my anxiety pops up which is all the time or when I have a panic attack less or more severe, memory loss is a serious symptom I have to deal with. I have a hard time recalling words I want to use in my sentences or I forgot what I was going to say or what someone else said a minute ago. And that are just a few examples that make communicating hard for me sometimes more than other times.

I am sorry but not sorry for the inconvenience it causes for other people because it is not my fault and I am working hard on my healing every single day and with that, I am taking my responsibility.