A really long time ago when I was a little girl about my own lil daughter’s age, she’s 7 almost 8, I had a friend. She lived right next to me and was a little younger than me. We walked to school together sometimes and after school, we often played together. We were not in the same class though. One day when walking to school I got into a fight with her (verbally).  That did not happen often. She was saying really mean things to me that were hurting me and I  called her stupid and dumb and that kind of things, like most kids, do when they fight. Other kids had found out we had been fighting and since I was already a target of bullying that was added to it. I was being called a racist because my friend who I often played with after school and walked to school many times has a dark skin color. Simply because she has a dark skin color and we were fighting I was called a racist. I remember how shocked and angry I was. I did not care about her skin color at all. she was being mean to me and that was the only reason I was mad at her and why we had been fighting. None of those kids were hanging out with her or me for that matter and I know some of them used to talk bad about her too. It was just another stick they could hit me with. I knew that. But still, being called a racist was something I never imagined people would say about me. I am not a bully, I am not a racist. I don’t judge people on what they look like or where they come from. I don’t even judge people on their actions always because everything has more as one viewpoint and I am not as arrogant to think that only my viewpoint is right, often there are also other elements at play that others are not aware of and this is why I am careful before I judge someone.

I have lived and been abused by a narcist who when I met him I never could think he is a narcist. He was the most charming and nice person I met, I thought he was compassionate and caring. But I have learned that narcists can only pretend compassion and care when it suits their needs. When I realized I needed to take care of myself when I was put down so much and started doing that, I found out how low a narcist can sink. He blamed me for his alcoholism although he was already drinking long before I met him. His family does not know him this way. They have never experienced his abusive behavior towards me and think I am the worst person ever.  So before you defend someone to realize that the other person story is just as important and may hold a truth you will never see. Just because you didn’t see it, heard it or felt it doesn’t make it less true and it doesn’t mean the person you defend has no responsibility. Be careful before you judge.

Someone who has hurt me deeply told me sometimes that even after I told him I have forgiven him that I didn’t. I still say I did. But what is forgiveness and what exactly is the meaning of it? How do you know you truly have forgiven someone? I went on a search for the answers. I will add the links to my sources so you know I didn’t just go over it rapidly.

In my opinion, before I started my research I wrote down what I believe is forgiveness and why I think I have forgiven him.

My Opinion: Even tho he has hurt me deeply. Forgiving him was for me a decision based on my love for him and wanting to let go of the pain and hurt. I wanted to move on and get past of what happened so we could work on things and get past it together. So I simply decided to forgive him after I evaluated the situation over and over again. I have questioned him about the events that have hurt me until I had all the answers and information I needed to move past it. He was very helpful doing this and even though it was painful it helped me moved past it I believe quickly. Of course, it hurt and it did hurt for quite a while. Forgiving n my opinion doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt any more or you have forgotten it or got past it. Forgiveness I believe means you are ready to move on and find peace with it.

My research:

When you forgive, you are accepting the situation, and you are trying to find a way to live with it. The process may be gradual, and it does not mean that you need to include the person that has hurt you because you forgive for yourself, not for them.

In order to forgive, you need to want to forgive. And, sometimes, when the hurt is too deep, you are not willing to do that. So, do no try to forgive someone before you know what you want and release your pain and anger.

source: https://gottadotherightthing.com/tips-help-forgive/

Forgiveness is letting go of the need for revenge and releasing negative thoughts of bitterness and resentment.

source: https://psychcentral.com/lib/what-is-forgiveness/

Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness. Instead, forgiveness brings the forgiver peace of mind and frees him or her from corrosive anger. While there is some debate over whether true forgiveness requires positive feelings toward the offender, experts agree that it at least involves letting go of deeply held negative feelings. In that way, it empowers you to recognize the pain you suffered without letting that pain define you, enabling you to heal and move on with your life.

source: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/forgiveness/definition

Now, these previous sources somewhat similar to what I believe is forgiving  but the next source does not seem to really agree with my opinion.

Forgiveness is, in part, a willingness to drop the narrative on a particular injustice, to stop telling ourselves over and over again the story of what happened, what this other person did, how we were injured, and all the rest of the upsetting things we remind ourselves in relation to this unforgivable-ness.  It’s a decision to let the past be what it was, to leave it as is, imperfect and not what we wish it had been.  Forgiveness means that we stop the shoulda, coulda, woulda been-s and relinquish the idea that we can create a different (better) past.

source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/inviting-monkey-tea/201803/what-is-forgiveness-really

Evaluation: Now after reading this last source and evaluating things with my self again I still believe I have forgiven him because I was willing and have been working past the painful events and I can leave it in the past altho it’s not forgotten and it does sting me sometimes. But as with everything life is not as black and white. So my answer is still the same I did forgive him but when remembered about the painful events it does hurt a little bit again.

One of the things I am facing in my life due to my traumas is that I isolate myself. I do this to protect myself from getting hurt. I do not trust people by default. There are very few people in my life that gained a little lvl of trust. My distrust of people is based on the fact that I am being deceived and lied and betrayed ALMOST everytime I let someone in. Not just exes, but friends or so-called friends because in all honesty ppl that betray you and use like they did to me and show no regret whatsoever are not friends at all in the first place. But also my own family members, parents, and siblings. People you are normally supposed to be able to trust, I can not trust as learned by experience, not because I am afraid that they have proven to me I can not trust them by betraying me, abusing me and lie to me on a level that is very destructive. I know isolating myself is unhealthy but at the same time letting people in my life who then repeatedly continuously abuse me use me betray me etc etc is just as unhealthy. You can say I pick the wrong people to befriend well you don’t know that until you get to know those people and it is too late. I am not befriending people that are known to be abusive or criminals or people with a bad reputation. I really am not that dumb. I stay clear from people that seem to be the type to cause problems to begin with. Yet, I need to let people in my life to allow my self to heal as much as i can from my traumas. And I am able to see the difference between those people who have just treated me badly because of their selfish reasons and those that made mistakes and sincerely regret that and want to make things right with me. No one is perfect and I don’t expect anyone to be. I do however expect those in that close circle of trust to respect me and be responsible for their choices and mistakes. And each different lvl of trust comes with different expectations.

Make friends I have been told so many times. But it really is not that easy to make new friends. Appart from most ppl already have a circle of friends they engage with. No one is really waiting for someone with my issues. I also am an introvert due to my traumas. I do isolate myself and need to be and get motivated to go outside. I won’t meet anyone new when I don’t leave my house. I’m well aware of that. So I do force myself to do certain social activities and things. I even do enjoy those things and moments once I am participating in it. I don’t do my groceries online and only shop online out of convenience because I can find things online a lot easier cheaper then I can in normal stores. I am being approached by men sometimes but obviously, they just want just that what men want from a  woman and I’m not interested in that either. So yeah it is not that easy to make friends.

Today I have died a little with every memory of us I have
and I will die again and again with every memory of you
Not only because I have to let go of you and you and me
But I also have to let go of me, who I was because of you
So today I have died a little and that’s all I have to say
I have run out of words and thoughts, all I do is feel
Feel how I have died as if it wasn’t me and technically it wasn’t
It was someone who I was because of you, you and me
It was someone else. Someone I don’t know anymore,
Someone that I loved so much, and will never meet again.