There is a monster inside of me

There is a monster inside of me
It’s a monster and its called C-PTSD
Every so often, it runs rampage and hurts me inside out
I try to ignore it, contain it, and fight it but its too loud
Too often it brings me to my knees and finally I break down
It continues, its still not done until I emotionally drown
Finally being able to break free from the pain
You would think it’s over but here comes the shame
I’m ashamed for all the confusion and my tears,
I’m ashamed for my pain, my anger, and my fears,
I am ashamed and honestly most of all I want to hide
But I can’t, I have to be strong and continue my fight
I see how it hurts you too when it’s not even your fault
That refueled the monster who then hits me with another assault
I try not to break down again and fight with all my strength
I fight till I win, I fight till the bitter end
I am emotionally exhausted and feel beaten when its finally done
Once again I came through it but I don’t feel like I have won.
I keep working on building my strength and trying to heal
It starts with understanding and controlling my reactions to what I feel
It’s a long run, exhausting and hard but I refuse to give up on me
I am worth it and one day I shall win, you will see.

D.S. 1:49 PM March 4, 2018

My heart in a box,

Here is my heart,
it comes in a box
I know that confuses you
because normally it sits in one’s chest

But not my heart,
My heart comes in a box
to keep it from danger
and to protect it from hurt

surrounded by soft tissues
here and there colored red
from the wounds that it had
you can still see the scars.

Here is my heart,
it comes in a box.
I can’t live without, but
It serves me no purpose where it used to be.

D.S 3-1-2018 2:42 pm

Sometimes endings and beginnings are not so easily separated. They shouldn’t. At least that is what I believe. An ending is also a new beginning at the same time. A new beginning could be just the closure you need for your ending. And sometimes things that you thought had ended did not truly end. Also, I don’t believe there can be beginnings without endings. Something does end one way or another as small or unnoticeable as they may be.

My last season of 2017 contained a lot of revelations good and bad. I found out about a lot of things I intuitive already knew but didn’t wanted to accept or couldn’t accept. I used to believe they where my fears or simply took that as the reason so I did not have to believe my intuition. It ended a lot of things, but it also started a lot of new things. I’m not happy about my discoveries but I am glad to find out how good my intuition is. I still find it hard to trust my intuition and follow up on it. Simply because it does not come with proof.

It came with a lot of insecurities and it helped me set new boundaries or simply put, certain boundaries at all. What I did find was parts of myself that I know I can rely on and that others can rely on. I’m not perfect but I am proud of me.

Last year, 2017 was a year of growth, discovering, and learning. This year, 2018, I expect to be a year of strength where I learn to find new trust in myself and strength to overcome more hardships. I believe it to be a year where I can build a foundation that I longed for so long and find trust in it.

2018 will be another important year for me, no less or more than 2016, where I made an important decision that changed my life, or 2017 that was a year of growth and discoveries, good and bad.  Gratitude and appreciation have been important factors in each of these years and they were a great support to me I found. I have taken this as an important lesson and will continue to trust the importance of these factors in my life. Love and strength to you and yours and may 2018 be a year full of what you need the most.