He didn’t understand why I couldn’t be friends. but when he’s adding all these “hoes n every doe who shows” on his social media, it hurts.

It’s killing me internally. Breaking my heart and hurting my self-worth. Was I just that? It is hard not to count myself into that same group.

But I am not a teen who is selling her self on the internet to get followers. I don’t let the whole world see me dance half-naked on a podium where underaged people go and every sex offender can have a ball.

I have a problem being part of those platforms and supporting that. I find it difficult that people I had respect for are supporting that and even motivating it. My private parts are private and the area around them too. Sure I like being sexy, for my man (not that I have one) or even for myself. But I don’t base my self-worth on it. Or on the number of likes, I get on my posts and pictures.

I do enjoy sharing my pictures tho and I love having a platform that I can basically use as a photo album like back in the days. Of course, I enjoy it when people like my pictures. But I am still the same person. With or without those likes.

His opinion mattered, it still does and it hurts. I wanted to be the one he looked at instead of at others. (maybe I still do.) I wanted him to have more respect for women, not just in word but mostly in deed. Why? To control him? No, not because I wanted to control him. But because of the reason, I gave before and I guess I am also just wondering if I never was really more then that to him. So it is hurting my self-worth and the way I felt about my relationship with him and myself. Wondering if I have been fooled and lied to more then I know. I probably was…

I wonder if all these women and girls he added (back) had been there the whole time but just where a hidden snack, err stack, err oh well you get what I mean. I am wondering if I have been fooled and lied too much more then I thought and knew. Or maybe it’s just my expectations of him that I had set way too high. Did I?

I know what I want to hear and I probably will never know if the answer I may or may not get is actually the truth or not. That’s why I don’t really even want an answer. Because It hurts. It hurts a lot and makes me wish I could run to the other end of the world to hide from it so I don’t know about it. But I can’t and I am already on the other side of the world.

I have done it before and I can do it again. I am a woman, I am resilient, I am a Gemini and I am beautiful inside and out. I am an amazing woman with amazing strength. For now, I do what I need to get back on my feet and focus on myself and my two amazing daughters.

I have booked a little get away in a hotel at the beach for me and my youngest daughter this summer. I am sure we will have a great time. I spend so much time searching and looking for a place and everything that came up gave me more and more anxiety.

Then I remembered the hotel at the beach that I stayed at some years ago. It’s Only a 5-minute walk from the hotel to the Northsea beach and located in a cute little village with a lighthouse, lots of little shops and plenty of restaurants to choose from.

The hotel has free wifi, an indoor swimming pool, a bowling alley, indoor play garden for the kids, two restaurants to choose from and we can rent bikes there too. So even if the Dutch weather decides not to cooperate we can entertain ourselves for a little bit indoors too.

It’s only a 2,5 hour trip with public transport and the bus stops right at the entrance of the hotel. Breakfast is included so it has everything to make it a hassle-free stay. Its a family hotel so there will be other kids around most likely too that my daughter can play with. OH, and I got it for a good price too! I’m so looking forward to this little trip.

While my heart is breaking I am looking deep inside me to get to the pain to heal it. The pain comes from attachment. There are many myths about it and a lot of arguments whether the attachment is good or bad.

What is an attachment in relationships exactly? Attachment is an emotional bond between two individuals or a group of people.

Why is an attachment actually important? The ability as an individual to form and grow an emotional and physical attachment to another individual gives a sense of stability and security which we find necessary to take risks, branch out, and grow and develop as a person.

Attachment is bad when you restrict yourself in such a way that you cant develop yourself or grow your own personality when your stability depends solely on the other person. That’s when you need to start working on your insecurities and self-esteem. You can not blame the other person for this because it is something that you do not the other.

When the other person restricts and requires you to depend on them in such a way that you can not develop yourself and grow as a person then they are controlling and you should check your boundaries.

Love and attachment are not the same things. Me loving in a romantic way however does require an emotional bond for me and with that attachment.

I am sad to realize that I have restricted myself because of the other person in an unhealthy way. So now I am healing myself and working again on boundaries that I have yet to discover that I should install to protect myself.

What happened to me in the last few days has seriously retraumatized me. and I need to pack myself together again rappidly before I fall back more into my depression. I don’t know how.

Everytime new “friends” get involveved, sometimes purposedly because we or I tried to find someone to talk to and at other times I get blamed that those people are at fault for the problems and I lose the people I have been trying to befriend.

I am scared of my own judgement now and afraid I lose my mind. Paranoya about who I can trust and who not. Scared about anything I say because it can be seen out of context and backfire on me. I am scared and just long for safety.

A moment where I can relax n takes a breath of calm and peace, a little breeze of happiness. I have been trying to find that in sleep but I keep waking with panic attacks and during the days my anxiety is reaching top levels. I am so freaking stressed out. I’m emotionally drained and physically too.

I have never been someone to look to others to save me but I am getting there. I’m feeling like a helpless child in a grown body, ridiculous and worthless. Yet there is no one to reach out to anymore. What am I gonna do? Sighs.

Today another appointment for my new therapy which I don’t even know what it is or when it supposed to start. I don’t want to go. I am tired of fighting. This battle I can’t win is ongoing. It’s like a cancerous disease. Lifetaking and exhausting.

Abuse is defined as any action that intentionally harms or injures another person.

I know it goes much further than that and that there are many more types and kinds of abuse that needs a wider explanation than the above, however the above is the worst in my opinion. We all make mistakes and unintentionally hurt someone else sometimes. We feel regret when we do and wish we could undo it. But when it has been done intentionally you cannot expect such a thing as remorse.

You can not control what other people do only how you react to it. I try to distance myself from abuse though that does not mean that I don’t feel it or that it misses the goal. I wish for them to heal from their own traumas so others may not get abused anymore by them in the future. For their victims, including me, I wish recovery and strength to heal from what I and they have encountered.

My fears that already had been excelarating because of his betrayal before have gone through the roof now. Against better judgement I started talking to my last bf again and again we met with the same issues as before. How this was handled and dealed with was very painfull and humiliating for me.

I love him still and my heart is burning out of its chest. My emotions are all over the place and swing from unbearable pain and sadness to shock and feeling numb as if fires rage and destroy my heart and leaving it with only ashes just to have the flames rise again shortly after to restart this circle of emotions.

I do not know where and how I find the strength to keep going without any support or anyone to motivate me to keep going but I don’t have a choice. I feel crushed, used and abused and tossed away like garbage. I need someone I can trust, I need a hug. How does one keep going when you feel you can’t anymore?