My self-worth,
He didn’t understand why I couldn’t be friends. but when he’s adding all these “hoes n every doe who shows” on his social media, it hurts.
It’s killing me internally. Breaking my heart and hurting my self-worth. Was I just that? It is hard not to count myself into that same group.
But I am not a teen who is selling her self on the internet to get followers. I don’t let the whole world see me dance half-naked on a podium where underaged people go and every sex offender can have a ball.
I have a problem being part of those platforms and supporting that. I find it difficult that people I had respect for are supporting that and even motivating it. My private parts are private and the area around them too. Sure I like being sexy, for my man (not that I have one) or even for myself. But I don’t base my self-worth on it. Or on the number of likes, I get on my posts and pictures.
I do enjoy sharing my pictures tho and I love having a platform that I can basically use as a photo album like back in the days. Of course, I enjoy it when people like my pictures. But I am still the same person. With or without those likes.
His opinion mattered, it still does and it hurts. I wanted to be the one he looked at instead of at others. (maybe I still do.) I wanted him to have more respect for women, not just in word but mostly in deed. Why? To control him? No, not because I wanted to control him. But because of the reason, I gave before and I guess I am also just wondering if I never was really more then that to him. So it is hurting my self-worth and the way I felt about my relationship with him and myself. Wondering if I have been fooled and lied to more then I know. I probably was…
I wonder if all these women and girls he added (back) had been there the whole time but just where a hidden snack, err stack, err oh well you get what I mean. I am wondering if I have been fooled and lied too much more then I thought and knew. Or maybe it’s just my expectations of him that I had set way too high. Did I?
I know what I want to hear and I probably will never know if the answer I may or may not get is actually the truth or not. That’s why I don’t really even want an answer. Because It hurts. It hurts a lot and makes me wish I could run to the other end of the world to hide from it so I don’t know about it. But I can’t and I am already on the other side of the world.
