Time
My hours spend on gaming often might be thought of as a waste. For me it is a way to let go. To relax and to escape the stress my trauma’s bring me. In a way I can’t anywhere else sometimes.
People seem often to think so light about it and I can but only wonder if they have even a clue what’s going on really and what trauma means. Its not something you can put aside or leave behind, you carry it with you anywhere and anytime. The inability to controle the fears inside me and the emotional pain I have to overcome everytime. The shame and desperarion I feel after I have been triggered. I keep moving forward but my past keeps pulling me back. It’s a constant struggle. Ignoring it leads to nightmares and more anxiety attacks because it simply does not go away just like that.
Sometimes I can easily tell what triggered me but I often can’t even tell because I simply don’t know and it’s a combination of things. I have been developing anxieties due to surviving techniques I have adjusted myself to, to live with my trauma’s and past. These survival techniques I developed myself according to my abilities and the situation because it is in humans nature to survive.
Someone who can’t swim will struggle and fight to survive. These struggles triggered by panick might eventually be the reason that they won’t survive. Simple floating would be a life saving technique. But when you have never learned this then you most likely don’t know how to use this.
My self taught survivingtechniques have lead to all kind of other issues and now they are not useful anymore they harm me and even makes me disfunctional at times. Self destructive behaviour for example is something I need to be really aware of. My self esteem, many people who know me would not even understand it or believe it but it’s zero. When playing those games I can relax and relativate and evaluate. It gives me a moment to let go of stress aside of the fact that some games are just fun to play.
Time passes and is something you don’t get back once it’s passed, so we should be very careful how our time is spend. Wasted money can be regained. Wasted time is just that, wasted. Sometimes that’s ok. The time you enjoy wasting, is not wasted. It’s time well spend. My hours spend on gaming often might be thought of as a waste. That’s ok it’s my time and not theirs. They don’t live my life and I dont live theirs. They can’t have my time and I don’t want theirs my own time and life is difficult enough as it is.
It’s also about treasuring moments you enjoy and creating time to enjoy and allowing yourself to enjoy time spend on something. It’s part of self care and allowing yourself to be who you are. Acknowledging is the beginning of change. Understanding that being ok is sometimes good enough, that failing is part of life and is alowed. I don’t have to be what other people want me to be, and that learning costs time so I need to allow myself this time. It took time to get where I am now so it will take time to come where I’m heading at as well.
