There is a lot to say about this word. If you google the actual meaning then you will end up finding out that drama is something that’s being performed in theaters. actors playing out a role by written script performing it on a stage. Usually, the role is acted out extremely to gain attention for the storyline.

Often when people use the word drama they usually speak of someone in real life whos creating problems in the community because of whatever reason. This reason is usually something that the person who uses the word drama finds rather unimportant.

The reason why I chose to bring up this topic s because I find myself often in situations that have been described as a drama by those who are either just being rude because they don’t agree with something or because they don’t understand/see what the “big deal” is.

These things are a “Big deal” to people like me because we are (I am) traumatized and we are not acting out to seek attention we are sincerely feeling that distressed. It’s not play. It is not something to get attention frankly I don’t like that much attention at all especially not for those things. I rather have everything going smooth without triggers, panic, anxiety, fears and worries.

So when you know someone who has gone through a lot and there is an issue happenign that you dont understand what is “the big deal,” please don’t describe it as drama because that is actualy hurting us (me) and making us (me) feel that our (my) feeligns are being ignored and denied while I serously do feel all this fear, panix and anxiety. More often then not it takes control of my whole existence. Not because I wnat to or like it. Simpy because I am that much affected by it.

I agree that often what is actually and visually happening may not match by the reaction I have and that I am showing. But there is a lot more happening inside me that others are not aware of, don’t feel and don’t see. I bring this up because of yet something that happened today that set me off because of triggers. Those triggers have a history of something that really happened to me that has hurt me. Put me again in such a situation with such similarities and I am overwhelmed by the same emotions from that time. Not because I enjoy the attention but because I am hurting.

Think about that before you think of something being “not such a big deal”, or calling something drama when the person with the problem is seriously hurting, panicking and distressed. I am not that great of an actor to perform such a drama like that by script. I really feel that what I supposedly “act” and not because I want to or choose to.

While it is happening and I am trying to get through all my emotions and swim through this sea of emotions, I am also trying to keep my emotions in check which is extremely difficult when I become in a state where I am absolutely terrified.

What you can do instead of describing it as drama and ignoring this person’s feelings at that moment completely depends on what the person is reacting to and what has happened that set them off. Often you can see nowadays in social media on posts and messages “trigger warning” it would be nice if we could get a heads up about situations in real life so that we (I) the traumatized person gets a warning ahead about what is going on. Unfortunately, that usually does not happen.

Without that warning, it’s just like when a person with a fear of water who can’t swim is being pushed into a big pool. Extreme terror and fear are surrounding this person. Anyone who understands fear a little bit knows that this isn’t “drama” or a person acting out a written script but real emotions. The same thing is the case when a traumatized person gets triggered.

I am still using the CBD oil at least two dose a day of 5 mg and its going ok. I know I am alowed to take more but I’m hesitating because of side effects always having such a big grip on me.

I noticed although I can still get really emotional and anxious I do believe the grip it has on me is less strong and the anxiety attacks are less heavy although they do surprise me more easily now.

My migraines are getting less and actually this week while on my moons I surprisignly had no migraines or headaches at all.

I am going to up the intake of the capsules with one more dose of 5 mg. Right now I am takign a dose in the mornign and one in the evening. I will add another dose in the night when I wake up. I say when because that is still somethign that is guaranteed to happen.

The only drug that can cure most is love and unfortunately I can’t buy that in a bottle. :(.

For the time being, I have chosen to delete Instagram, facebook and messenger app from my phone. I can be contacted by mail by those who have my email address.

The memory of your hugs is now filled with sorrow,
the memory of your kisses is now filled with pain.

My dreams, not even nightmares, filled with remorse
filled with darkness, filled with thunders and rain.

My anxiety haunts me and continues to pester me,
my anxiety forces me always to live in fear.

I want to beg, cry out, yell and scream for comfort,
but, there is not a single soul around to hear

Scarred throughout my life and tainted by words and deeds,
I’m finally stripped of every last bit of self-esteem.

Eyes that look down at me, minds that immediately assume,
minds, who don’t know and eyes that haven’t seen.

I am just like you, I am a person, once too I was a child,

why am I being judged so cold with laughs all riled?

I give all I can and have, my love, my life, my heart,

Still alone, hurt, scattered and falling appart

Isolation, because of the regret of things I could not have changed,
because of the shame of things others did. Because of fear

To hide myself from their eyes, to become unseen,
to not be judged, to not exist and to finally disappear.

Darkened, outcasted and cursed by the cruelty of this world
wanting to be cared for, fighting, dreaming and craving to be loved.

D.S. March 17th 2019

I’ve been living with a warzone inside of me most my life and I have come close to wanting to give up a couple of times now. I’m losing this battle I’m afraid. I’m running out of breath

I don’t know how to live with these demons inside me anymore 🙁 The problems they cause me are hurting the people I love and making me lose everything that’s important to me.

I’m starting to hate myself again for the monsters inside of me and not only myself, the world around me too even the few good things in my life because I am not able to enjoy it anymore. Others are trying to destroy these things too. </3