I know there are people watching me from afar, my facebook, my Instagram and my blog, yes I can see you checking on me I can see your ISP. Wanting to watch me fail. Maybe with envy because I am determined and will keep being focused on my own goals. I don’t care, I have nothing to prove. I don’t live to succeed for other people. I don’t live to be great in their eyes and I don’t live to please them. I hope it brings them healing since that is what I focus on. Healing myself, and my little family, my world and everyone and everything in it in that order. If I fall that’s okay because I know I am resilient and will bounce back to be stronger and climb higher then before. May watching me bring them wisdom and the healing they are in need of themselves. 

<3 Much love!

Many a times I have been told I am beautiful, most times ever most likely by my ex bf. He was good at that, would tell me about everyday and often more as once that i am beautiful. I felt it when he used to tell me this and I believe he meant it. Still I don’t see what he saw when I look in the mirror.

My face is not mine that I see in the mirror, I see the face of the person my abusers took advantage of, the face of humiliation, weakness, being unworthy, the face of ugly. I don’t feel pretty.

When I look in the mirror I see my wounds, my pain, the lost time and all the abuse I suffered. I don’t like looking in the mirror. I don’t like looking at my face. I never was my h of a person to make selfies. Not untill my last relationship and most of those selfies I made for him.

He didn’t believe me but now I look at my Instagram and my picture library on my phone that I don’t take selfies anymore almost. I still can’t really stand looking at myself. I guess that’s another thing my cosplay helps me with or is it working the opposite? Does it only aid me into hiding my face from myself? I don’t know but I do know I don’t feel beautiful.

Should this worry me? Am I falling back? I think I make progress in my healing looking at how I got more control over my anxiety and fears. I’m still overthinking, that’s obvious… Right?

What others think doesn’t matter, don’t worry about what other people say. Right? haven’t we all heard this at one time or another or maybe you even said it yourself? Not so true at all. We all want to be loved back by those that we love, our parents, siblings, friends, and lovers. So it does matter what they think of us. No one likes their heart to be broken.

We all believe that the same people mentioned above love us and care for us in the beginning. No one likes to believe or think that they don’t love us back in return or would hurt us on purpose. In fact, it would hurt us so much that often we rather lie to ourselves and blame ourselves for many things to be the reason instead of simply the person who did this to us.

With this knowledge in mind, it should make it easier to realize the truth still it’s too painful to accept that maybe your parent, friend or loved one didn’t love you really and hurt you on purpose. Love is a dangerous emotion that literally can kill us. Besides the high suicide rate, you can actually die from a broken heart.

Now after all this being said we are better of not to worry about what other people think though, even when that is very difficult sometimes and for some of us often or even almost always. So I have done some research on this as part of my own healing traject and this is what I came up with to help myself and possibly others as well. Keep in mind that there will always be someone thinking things about you or other people that do not always agree with the person it is about or that this person is going to like. Even yourself if you are completely honest with yourself, does that.

Now stay with that thought for a little bit. Just because of what you thought of that other person does not automatically means that this person should change their ways or whatever the thought was about. right? Neither does it automatically mean you care less about these people then you did before. Am I correct again? Thought so, And you know what? There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Next thing to realize is that sometimes other people have thought you think worse about them than you actually did. Like, when you didn’t laugh about a funny joke because you were somewhere else with your thoughts. Right again? Dang, I am getting good at this.

Now the less easy step that you need to understand is that indeed there will be always times that what the other person thinks of you is not what you would like them to think. Now go back to yourself and bring back the reality where what you thought of someone didn’t automatically change the relationship you had with this person. It is OK to be different and think different. this means that it is OK for other people and for you just the same. If you do worry about this and this is a person that is important to you, you could ask for clarification and reassuring depending on the importance of this person to you and the level at what you communicate with this person.

I have often assumed that someone was mad at me but they weren’t and the simple question, are you angry at me would have solved a lot of anxiety and worry for me and even arguments when I went into my self-defense mode unnecessary. Another thing that helped me tame my anxiety and worry is to keep in mind that NOT everyone and everything someone thinks of you matters. Because chances are you don’t see that person ever again. Like a certain person who stares at you at an airport. You could think all kinds of things of this yet reality is that what this person is thinking at that moment is completely a mystery and it does NOT even matter really, now does it? You most likely never see that person ever again.

And even if you do, they have the right to think what they think and it won’t change the relationship you have with this person and if it does it really does not matter. Try to stay in the here and now and what is important. Sue what your partner thinks of you is quite important yet not about just everything. You both are allowed to have your own opinions without that directly affecting your relationship there either.Of course, this is something that runs a lot deeper and takes time to tackle but I do hope with this thought-stream and those reminders that I have helped you at least somewhat on your healing journey.

If it helps you to have it written down and read it when you are anxious then, by all means, do so. Even if you must, excuse yourself and read your notes on this while in the restroom. I assume you don’t bring a big notebook with you there so find an app for your phone where you can write down things in and possibly even password protect your notes if you feel more comfortable with that.

I have added a like option onto my blog posts altho I am not sure I am going to keep it active. I ran into it by chance and wanted to try it out. however honestly it doesn’t serve a purpose for me. I don’t care about likes really. I’m not in this for a popularity contest. However, for the time being, it is up. I am still hesitating to update my PHP I am worried I wreck it. So I am still collecting courage here for this.

Today I like to quote another part from the book the 5 personality patterns. The book is helping me a lot in the current stage of my healing journey. It writes about parts of myself that of course, I had noticed even long before I started my healing journey and knew that at one point I needed to address this too. It seems the right time for this now and so I have.

In this book, while reading, I came upon a part that is not particular news to me however it’s very little spoken off in the modern western world and there even seems to be a taboo about it somehow. It’s almost never brought up directly and often only briefly.

“In western cultures, especially here in the United States, we equate growing up with separating from other people, from nature, and even from our own subtle perceptions. When our children see things that we don’t see, we invalidate their subtle perceptions, saying “There’s nothing there. Go to sleep. ” or “Don’t be scared, it’s only a dream.” When we tell them what they perceive isn’t real we’re telling them to stop perceiving them, to shut off their innate sensitivity and subtle perception. This tends to shut down the inner capacities which would make them more energetically sensitive and capable of feeling” – From the book the 5 personality patterns, by Steven Kessler

Earlier in the same chapter, the writer speaks of how as we grow up each one of us goes through certain stages of development and that time doesn’t stop. Meaning that if we don’t have time enough or the chance to develop a certain stage and learn or finish learning the skills that come with that stage we skip them. Furthermore, he addresses that this means that this person stays closer to their raw perceptions and stronger sensitivity skills and have more capacity to connect and relate to other people. animals and nature itself.

People who actually have finished the learning stages early in life without complications and have successfully mastered them are taking those skills for granted and assume that everyone has the same skill sets as them while not realizing they actually do miss certain ones themselves. They rather even question those without the same skillset wondering what’s “wrong” with them.

This really hits home as sensitive as I am with my strong intuition, compassion, and empathy. What confuses me somewhat from this book is that it seems as if the writer in some parts of this chapter seems to understand the qualities of having this raw sensitivity yet at the other hand kind of makes me feel as if with those early learning stages it is a good thing that we “unlearn” those raw sensitivity skills. It feels like saying that there IS actually something wrong with it. Which in my opinion it is actually the other way around since these learning stages he speaks of are those shapes that we are being poured into in this modern western culture.

In my honest, modest (or not so much) and unprofessionally educated opinion those modern stages where we learn those skill sets are all shaped to what is expected from us in how our current modern life is programmed and what is expected from us by the general society. I suppose he has to address both “cultures” the natural one and the forced one as I like to call those so-called perfect learning stages which miss the essential skills that mother nature gave us to give the readers the understanding of both modules.

Now after the introduction to this he explains the separate stages, however, I question how truly accurate those stages are when they are viewed from our modern culture point of view.