Feeling ugly
Many a times I have been told I am beautiful, most times ever most likely by my ex bf. He was good at that, would tell me about everyday and often more as once that i am beautiful. I felt it when he used to tell me this and I believe he meant it. Still I don’t see what he saw when I look in the mirror.
My face is not mine that I see in the mirror, I see the face of the person my abusers took advantage of, the face of humiliation, weakness, being unworthy, the face of ugly. I don’t feel pretty.
When I look in the mirror I see my wounds, my pain, the lost time and all the abuse I suffered. I don’t like looking in the mirror. I don’t like looking at my face. I never was my h of a person to make selfies. Not untill my last relationship and most of those selfies I made for him.
He didn’t believe me but now I look at my Instagram and my picture library on my phone that I don’t take selfies anymore almost. I still can’t really stand looking at myself. I guess that’s another thing my cosplay helps me with or is it working the opposite? Does it only aid me into hiding my face from myself? I don’t know but I do know I don’t feel beautiful.
Should this worry me? Am I falling back? I think I make progress in my healing looking at how I got more control over my anxiety and fears. I’m still overthinking, that’s obvious… Right?
