What is love when it is not returned? What is love without contribution? What is love when there is no agenda? What is love when there is nothing to gain? What is love if the other person by chance is not even aware of it? What is love when it is permanent? That is simple without complication and unconditional.

The thoughts arising before, during and after writing my last blog post on gaslighting has triggered me. The emotions passing through me are traveling in such a speed and switch their character constantly which makes it nearly impossible to keep up with it and rationalize them. They trigger more and more emotions until I finally broke down and found myself crying and hugging myself in an attempt to comfort myself.

What caused my breakdown? The simple fact that there is just no way to explain what I am enduring right now. The pain, the fear, the heartache, the loneliness and much much more. I know many don’t understand and will bring up things like being strong, forget it, move on, get over it, get yourself together. And I will, eventually I will get myself together again but for now, I allow myself to mourn my losses and give voice to my pain in silence, all by myself with tears on my cheeks and my arms wrapped around myself.

It starts with sadness and quickly turns into a flood of memories and their emotions that bring me down faster then I can brace myself against it. Thoughts of suicide appear with the realization that this is a lifetime battle with the knowledge that I won’t be able to heal like many with the same diagnoses as me.

We need a healthy, supportive loving and caring environment, family, friends and loved ones we can trust to be able to fully heal from the damage done to us. And this is exactly the one thing that many of us don’t have. It makes me so sad, it hurts so much that the thoughts of giving up arise.

Longing for peace, longing to escape the constant battles, fears, and exhaustion, longing for that love that I see everywhere around me but somehow is not able to reach me, touch me and surround me because of the abuse I have suffered I am staying clear of it as far as I can even though Its the one thing I need and long the most for.

Tonight I cant find the strength and energy to cut myself loose from my demons and I guess I’m just going to lay down and cry myself to sleep. Tomorrow will be a new day. I know it will take some time again to recharge before I have found my strength back but I will.

Goodnight

Gaslighting is a topic I barely have touched writing about in my history of blogging upon my traumas. Not because I wasn’t aware of it or because it didn’t happen. The reason why I never write about this is because it is still hard to believe that the people who you are supposed to be safe with as a child and who are supposed to be there to protect you and love you are in fact the ones who have hurt you the most and not only that they try to hide it and shift blame. The reason I haven’t written about gaslighting is that it hurts.

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation (abuse) were the abuser tries to create doubt within their victim(s), making them question their own memory, perception, and sanity. Using persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying. Gaslighting involves attempts to destabilize the victim and delegitimize the victim’s belief.

Said abuser may even use other people who were not even part of the abuse and may be unaware of the abuse, in an attempt to find support for their (invisible) abuse. Narcissists are often very charming and target only a specific person or people and can for that reason use other people as flying monkeys to support their smear campaign, sometimes even targetting you as the abuser.

“The term originates in the systematic psychological manipulation of a victim by her husband in the 1938 stage play Gaslight, known as Angel Street in the United States, and the film adaptations released in 1940 and 1944. In the story, a husband attempts to convince his wife and others that she is insane by manipulating small elements of their environment and insisting that she is mistaken, remembering things incorrectly, or delusional when she points out these changes. The play’s title alludes to how the abusive husband slowly dims the gas lights in their home, while pretending nothing has changed, in an effort to make his wife doubt her own perceptions.” Source: Wikipedia

Over time I have met many forms of gaslighting as mentioned in the description above. From simple lies to being called crazy. The one that shocked me the most to unbelieve that it was being used on me was that I was told “you can’t help it either that you are born with it”

As if ANYONE gets born with C-PTSD. Let me tell you straight up, there is NO such thing as being born with C-PTSD. C-PTSD is a condition that is being caused when a person has experienced prolonged or repeated trauma usually starting in early childhood.

Gaslighting can be very powerful and dangerous for the victim as it brings so much doubt to oneself that the victim may doubt their own sanity and is a very serious form of emotional abuse!

For those doubting themselves, read the following over and over again when in doubt. What happened to you HAS happened to you. You have NOT imagined the abuse that was done onto you. Your abuser is trying to seed doubt into your mind to cause confusion. Seek support and understand that gaslighting is done so that the abuser gets away with their abuse and even worse makes you blame yourself.

In my links section, you can find a link to the page from Lili Hope Lucario she is, in my opinion, the best source out there for those who seek information on C-PTSD. She has written many articles about C-PTSD, the causes, the symptoms gaslighting and much much more. Her page has helped early on my healing process when I was still identifying myself with this diagnose and still does help me and many others.

This night when practicing deep meditation I finally found the reason for the only visual Flashback I have sometimes that I couldn’t place. It dates back to when I was 6 years old and was in a motorcycle accident.

While my brother and I were sitting in the side carrier that was attached to the bike, the driver lost control and the motorcycle landed against a tree with the tree exactly in-between the side carrier and the bike.

The impact of the hit, however, was still enormous and we ended up going to the hospital I still have scars on my face from that accident. My brother had a concussion and the driver a sore knee.

The flashbacks I am having stem from the enormous impact the moment we hit the tree. All the memories I have from that accident are the impact and what happened after.

For me realizing the origin of this flashback us huge because it means I have grown again in my healing process. It seems small steps and they are but the effect these flashbacks have on me are still big. So the effect that this new growth can have is not as small as it may seem.

I have edited some of the pages of my blog since they were far out of date. The music page I had where I was going to post links to songs and lyrics is now renamed “Links” and as you may expect you can find links there that I find notice worthy. In the future I might change this again and add a new section for links on my blog however at this moment this is what it is.

The about page has been edited since it was outdated and my tutorial page as well. Since the move to this address, I lost my tutorials and it is a very tedious task to repost these tutorials because some of them are quite lengthy and I have to post each image with its information on the steps separately. You can find my photoshop tutorials on Pxleyes. I also have started to repost them on my blog however it’s far from finished, unfortunately.

So far the current changes and updates. Thnx all!