Another night,
My adrenaline is still through the roof. I don’t get to sleep altho I do try to rest. My CBD oil is helping me keep my emotions at bay. As much as I wish my adrenaline would go down so I can sleep, it also helps me to stay strong and get through yet another hurdle on my way.
I am trying to find space to focus on my own healing but at this point its more damage control than anything else. It is good I assume that I am able to put the things I have learned in practice but it should not be necessary. It should not be necessary.
I feel strong but also very much heartbroken because of how limited I am. Watching and only being able to observe and swallow I am almost bursting sometimes from the emotions I need to contain. Today I surprised myself with my self-control. I was angry, so very angry yet I continued being in control over my emotions apart from the fact I couldn’t control the pain of my anger coming out. I regret the tears I shed. They noticed my pain but not my anger.
After all these years of therapy, I still do not know how to show when I am angry. I was asked or rather told that I was sad even after I said I was angry. I expressed why I was angry, yet my words seem to have not met anyone hearing them and actually listening to what I have said. Should I have been more aggressive in my wording to show my anger? Should I have been louder? I wished I could have made my self bigger, maybe that would have helped me with being taken more seriously.
If the next meeting will be in the same manner then I will return home before it ends. When I get up from my chair and let them know that I am done with people thinking their time is more precious than that from my daughter and wasting it trying to divert all the time meant for my child to them maybe then they will understand I don’t play games and being taken seriously.
I have no time for this. My child has no time for this. It’s not about them, it’s not about me, it’s about her. It’s about her! I am angry. very very angry.
