Due to my traumas (I think) I don’t experience always the same emotions like other people. I do t understand their emotions often and neither do they understand mine or the lack of mine. It makes me feel excluded and lonely. A part of these traumas are caused by the severe bullying in my childhood when I didn’t had a safe place to turn to at the same time.

To avoid this feeling of not being wanted, and excluded I isolated myself often probably at times I didn’t had to as well and this all together makes it difficult to be around other people. I’m different, not like them. I don’t fit in and never did.people never really understood me so I kept to myself.

Getting critique because I express my emotions of fear and sadness etc.. and being told that they rather not be around me when I “put myself down” is creating for me an atmosphere where I can not be myself. Which makes me feel again not wanted and not understood it cared for.

in this world people vallue fake happiness over reality. I understand why ppl don’t like these emotions from me but I can’t help that they are there. They exist and are part of me. However I have to hide this and with that myself. With people that I don’t have a personal relationship with that doesn’t matter but when it comes to people like family or those who say they are your friends, who say they care about you then it’s hurting very much because they resend and reject a part of you that needs nurturing and care more then anything. It’s rejecting my very existince at that moment because they do not recognize your suffering and pain as something that needs care but as something that they don’t want in their life and that sends the message of not being wanted.

This again adds to this pain and the cycle of trauma begins to grow again. I want to exist, I want to be seen I want to be loved and cared for as who I am and not only when I laugh. I exist when I don’t laugh too and I should be allowed to and not be excluded and shamed for who I sm because it’s not my fault to begin with.

There is so much more in-depth information on this that’s just so much that it’s hard to get into it even for me to know where to start with that just the thought if having to explain all of this just to be understood keeps me from even trying.. it’s not wanted anyway… Which translates to that I’m not wanted..

And then again they wonder why those that are depressed and down and end up committing suicide, don’t reach out to their friends and loved ones while they are being shamed and rejected for their negative feelings and emotions at the same time.. oh I guess that changes everything right? Wanting to commit suicide..

I’ve had such conversations where people react in disbelief and just trying to force you to change your mind while all they truly need often is to feel understood and seen and not so alone in their pain and sadness. Listen to them rather then put yourself first if you don’t want those people to feel that way.

Be a true friend and show them that you care even ormaybe especially when they are not at their best because then is when that matters and needed the most. Because I’m.not a stand up comedian to entertain you for your money. I’m a person who needs your care and friendship.

It’s when I isolate myself when I really need someone to care.. There’s just not anyone to care enough to notice, maybe partly because I’ve learned to play my role desired by others too well..

Just know that if ever, I have tried to reach out, you just didn’t wanted to see it or hear it because it wasn’t convenient for you. You taught me not to reach out. So I’m crying here by myself trying to comfort myself and sooth my pain untill I can’t anymore and many times I have already feared that moment to come.

Thank you if you call yourself my friend and managed to read this entire post without clicking away. Thank you even more if you are capable of turning towards me instead of resenting the lack of entertainment value I have for you. Thank you for seeing me as I am.

Because if I’d post a nude I’d get a ton of likes while people would ignore the naked truth of the very same person I am behind this nude picrure. Unconditional love is whole and not halve no matter the relation you have with this person.

He wanted to be just friends despite telling me that he still loves me and that is something I don’t really want to be, to begin with, because of what’s buried deep inside my heart. Like I try to burry the memories. It goes against my nature to be someone that I am not and I feel awkward the time we spend together now.

It takes me to an intense sadness that I can’t even express and I find other sources to blame it on but I know the true origin. Little did I know that being friends meant that all the closeness there was once isn’t there anymore. Not even a little bit. It’s hard to be myself with someone I don’t know anymore. Even though certain things never changed, others have.

People change over time and in the past when we were together I grew with that and was part of the transitions and changes. To be confronted with a person I barely know anymore is difficult to accept and a hard fact to swallow. If I had been given the chance I would have grown together and so would my love have. But everything is different now, it’s like we always have been complete strangers. And maybe we where even though my heart will never agree.

I could blame any circumstance but I won’t because we all make our own choices and he made his. So therefor “Astra inclinant, sed non-obligant.” – While fate, whether determined by the stars, might nudge us in a certain direction, we are never forced in it. Free will exists and the decision of what to do in any circumstance is ultimately our own.

Just a song I like to share that has awoken a lot of memories that I’m trying so desperately to put to sleep. It’s not so much the song itself that’s a memory though, the song I recently found. The memories it awoke, they are fond memories so I’ll share it anyway. Here is: “Around the world” by ATC.

Often when I see all the critic on white people I feel ashamed of being white. I was born with this skin just like you were born with yours and I have no choice to wear it. I understand there has been done a lot of wrong and horrible things to your people. I have shed tears by just reading, hearing and learning the stories. I felt pain and anger for the horrors that you, your families and your ancestor have gone through and still are going through.

Perhaps to feel that shame and the reminder of what “we” have done to your people, your family, your ancestors is exactly what is needed.
I can’t change the past. I’m not following in my ancestors’ footsteps and I am not them. I am just one person who’s fighting her own battles. I do consider the racism that still is going on in this world as one of my battles because your world is mine too even though our cultures are very different. I hope one day the negative taste of naming the color of another’s skin will not exist anymore and there is an understanding and growth among all and each of us.

Now is the time to learn from each other how we can live together. Because that’s what we do, we live, together, on the same planet. I like it that way. I am a very colorful person as white as I am and I love all the differences that people bring with them, I love learning from other cultures because honestly from my own culture does not seem to be much authentic.

The more I learn about and from Native people, the more I sometimes envy them. They are a people who still know their roots, traditions, and everything. I miss that in my own culture. In my own culture, everything seems to be about getting better, getting richer, but we have forgotten about our footsteps, where we came from. and the respect for that.long before “we” decided to murder, colonize and/or enslave your people.

I know in my own country, the Netherlands we call this era the Golden age, (Not to be mistaken with the golden age from the greek mythology) because of the economic wealth and growth it brought us but despite the fact I was taught this name in history class as I grew up, this name is not fitting for this era in my opinion. More people have suffered then have taken advantage of this wealth. I am sorry that this has happened the way it did. I am sorry that because of that era today you still have to live a life that is so much different from my own privileged life.

I am not considered rich and I have my own traumas and hardships in my life. But I know I do have a lot in my life that everyone deserves and need and not everyone has access to. Sometimes I thought perhaps to change my shame into pride because I am able and making a change by the way how I stand in life, my morals, and my values, but it feels wrong. to be proud of doing something that should be normal. Instead, I believe that a better approach is to embrace the responsibility for the mess our ancestors left us behind.

The Dutch Golden Age I am leaving the link here to the Wikipedia page on the Dutch Golden age. However again I feel ashamed because the part we had in the slave trading is left out.

More then just a few times I have been called mysterious and to be honest I have never seen myself as a mystery. I don’t usually have secrets theres a few things I keep to myself but they are about me and don’t involve anyone else. I don’t see that as a secret.

So the times that I have been addressed as mysterious I was genuinely surprised. Especially because of the people it came from since they where the ones to actually know me best, at least that’s what I thought. I have been extremely open about everything with them and the only secret I ever kept from them was my secret account in social media.

Oh yeah, don’t be too shocked I created an account just to lurk on social media and find distraction without seeing anything from those I would follow on my normal accnts. I don’t interact with anyone on those accounts and don’t talk or even know anyone I have added as friends on that friendslist just to disguise myself as a real account.

I barely use(d) it only if I really need to get away from everyone and everything. There’s, very dissaponting perhaps, nothing mysterious about me. All you really need to do to get to know me is truly listen to what I say. I’m pretty much what you see is what you get. Boring? Perhaps, but it is what it is, not a mystery.

Then again we never see ourself like how others see us. Sometimes I wish I did, it may take away a lot of my insecurities or at the other hand, add a few more hahaha.

Reading this post back I realize there’s not anything mysterious, fancy or even interesting about this blog entry either. Just a moment in time that I’m reflecting on some thoughts and memories. What else is there to do when you wake up at 5 am.