The me I’m not allowed to be
Due to my traumas (I think) I don’t experience always the same emotions like other people. I do t understand their emotions often and neither do they understand mine or the lack of mine. It makes me feel excluded and lonely. A part of these traumas are caused by the severe bullying in my childhood when I didn’t had a safe place to turn to at the same time.
To avoid this feeling of not being wanted, and excluded I isolated myself often probably at times I didn’t had to as well and this all together makes it difficult to be around other people. I’m different, not like them. I don’t fit in and never did.people never really understood me so I kept to myself.
Getting critique because I express my emotions of fear and sadness etc.. and being told that they rather not be around me when I “put myself down” is creating for me an atmosphere where I can not be myself. Which makes me feel again not wanted and not understood it cared for.
in this world people vallue fake happiness over reality. I understand why ppl don’t like these emotions from me but I can’t help that they are there. They exist and are part of me. However I have to hide this and with that myself. With people that I don’t have a personal relationship with that doesn’t matter but when it comes to people like family or those who say they are your friends, who say they care about you then it’s hurting very much because they resend and reject a part of you that needs nurturing and care more then anything. It’s rejecting my very existince at that moment because they do not recognize your suffering and pain as something that needs care but as something that they don’t want in their life and that sends the message of not being wanted.
This again adds to this pain and the cycle of trauma begins to grow again. I want to exist, I want to be seen I want to be loved and cared for as who I am and not only when I laugh. I exist when I don’t laugh too and I should be allowed to and not be excluded and shamed for who I sm because it’s not my fault to begin with.
There is so much more in-depth information on this that’s just so much that it’s hard to get into it even for me to know where to start with that just the thought if having to explain all of this just to be understood keeps me from even trying.. it’s not wanted anyway… Which translates to that I’m not wanted..
And then again they wonder why those that are depressed and down and end up committing suicide, don’t reach out to their friends and loved ones while they are being shamed and rejected for their negative feelings and emotions at the same time.. oh I guess that changes everything right? Wanting to commit suicide..
I’ve had such conversations where people react in disbelief and just trying to force you to change your mind while all they truly need often is to feel understood and seen and not so alone in their pain and sadness. Listen to them rather then put yourself first if you don’t want those people to feel that way.
Be a true friend and show them that you care even ormaybe especially when they are not at their best because then is when that matters and needed the most. Because I’m.not a stand up comedian to entertain you for your money. I’m a person who needs your care and friendship.
It’s when I isolate myself when I really need someone to care.. There’s just not anyone to care enough to notice, maybe partly because I’ve learned to play my role desired by others too well..
Just know that if ever, I have tried to reach out, you just didn’t wanted to see it or hear it because it wasn’t convenient for you. You taught me not to reach out. So I’m crying here by myself trying to comfort myself and sooth my pain untill I can’t anymore and many times I have already feared that moment to come.
Thank you if you call yourself my friend and managed to read this entire post without clicking away. Thank you even more if you are capable of turning towards me instead of resenting the lack of entertainment value I have for you. Thank you for seeing me as I am.
Because if I’d post a nude I’d get a ton of likes while people would ignore the naked truth of the very same person I am behind this nude picrure. Unconditional love is whole and not halve no matter the relation you have with this person.
