When you have so much on your heart and mind that you are overflowing but don’t really have anyone to talk to or with. No one who actually cares. I have learned that some people may give you a minute but they realize soon that they don’t really want to give up their time to be really there for someone. Or maybe they are in the same place as me and can’t.

Some people think I am not trying hard enough to make new friends but that’s not really for them to judge when they have not even been near where I am at. The last thing I need right now is to meet again with no understanding and judgment. And pouring out my heart or letting my guard down among “strangers” is not something I usually do.

There’s so much anger bottled up inside of me along with pain and fear. The need to get away from all of that is great and even tho I will have to deal with it myself without support it’s one step forward and two steps back.

This therapy I’m supposed to be receiving is not working at all even tho it hasn’t started yet. But it’s getting unclear for me what exactly I been doing in therapy these last few months. I don’t even think it’s therapy at all. it’s really a waste of time and that too angers me because I really want so badly to keep working on my healing journey and move forward.

Sometimes I think it’s just too much for just anyone and I wonder how I am and have been able to keep going. I often feel like just giving up. But I can’t. Just trying to relax to be able to let go of all this.

Lol you know those lines people post on their timelines in social media. About sitting with someone in the dark when they are depressed and that if anyone needs someone to talk to when they are really down and want to give up. They don’t. To most it’s just a good looking sentence on their feed. But true selflessness care is not behind it.

Something most people don’t realize is that just being there for someone to hang out with that they are comfortable with might make all the difference and maybe all the support they need. To be able to relax for a while is important for everyone every day. Something that seems impossible to me so often I hide in sleep if I can.

Because everyone is too busy to really have attention for those who really need it. Too busy. And I look around me and see what they are busy with. And I don’t know because I’m not them and I can’t judge the importance of what they are doing and have no right to because it’s their life’s and not mine. And I sit alone keeping to myself since that’s what I do best while everything boils inside me and tears stream down my cheeks. It hurts. And I blame everything ad everyone but foremost myself because I can’t get past all this pain and trauma.

Last week has been really rough on me. My stress levels increased and that shows on my skin and hair. But internally the mess is even greater. After keeping it all bottled up the whole week because my daughter has been around, of course, all days due to Corona still, I started feeling sick up to a point that I could barely hold my food.

She has been wanting to do something with me and I promised to play a little board game with her but again I have to fail her. Last week we where going to bbq but the weather changed and we canceled our plans. Today the weather was good enough so even tho I’m stressed out I put a little bbq together. Now my stress level is even higher and I feel like I’m about to explode. I barely can relax.

The stress is too high. I am not feeling well and snappy and I want to get away from people as far as possible really right now because I’m worried myself. The pain inside my chest and the stress have gotten me really moody. So I have been hiding in my game ARK Evolution. My daughter plays it too so we played that a little bit this week but mostly I been on my own. The transfers to a new server map have opened up and I have prepared for that a little bit. Been building on a new base and raising some dinos.

Next week my daughter will be at her dad’s the whole week and maybe ill find a way to destress then a Lil better when I don’t have to worry about her too. Well, I say that but I am worried about her too when shes there. He doesn’t take the Corona issue as seriously as I do but I cant keep her away from her dad forever. It wouldn’t be good for her since shes not going to school either and she needs social interaction too.

Plus she misses him. He didn’t use my offer to skype n call with her or videogame with her online so I managed to push that through because she missed him and felt really bad. thinking he doesn’t love her etc.. I don’t really know how to answer that because it would most likely hurt her.

I know she worries a lot about me and wants to see me happy too. More then she lets on. This worries me a lot too. With no one on my side that I can trust, feel comfortable with and can talk to its all together with everything else still going on almost getting too much for me and I’m scared I get worse again. Hopefully, I can recharge a little next week.

Hugs Luna

Choices, what are they and how do they serve us? Is it true what they say about choices?

I started pondering upon this once again and decided to write a blog post about it with my thoughts on this. First I want to bring up a popular quote since that’s what started my pondering upon this.

They say “choice not circumstance, determines your success.” But that’s not true, your options limit or empower your success rate far more. Because we are not always given the options of our choice.

Lately, there are various videos and clips going around demonstrating how manipulation works. Then they continue the video with a fast build-up story with “facts” they give you and comparisons of their choice. They make it all sound very reasonable. They will bombard you with a number of truths of various sources and use those in one story to steer your thinking in a certain direction. With all the information they give you in such a short time you have little to no time to truly think and research if what they are saying is even comparable.

Now let me shine a different light on these tactics and tell you that while they are trying to convince you of how a certain people, organization, or whatever is trying to manipulate you, that THEY themselves, in fact, are trying to manipulate you at that very moment.

This video starts out with the person who has built up their presentation asking you to make a choice between two things. These can be circles, squares, or whatever item or shape. and they tell you that one of these items is bigger, rounder or more square than the other, and tell you to make a choice of which one of the two this is. Note that you are not given the choice to not make a choice and of course everyone or most will try to abide and do as they are told by the creator because we want to hear the end of his story, while in a real situation they may have decided to NOT make a choice and choose neither because we do have that option normally too.

The creator of the video then continues to tell you that the choice you made is wrong and tells you that in fact like you already thought, both the items are exactly the same size. that this is how manipulation works. Well. it is a very good example. That is very much a form of manipulation but what they do next, the summing up of all these true facts and the direction they steer you in is an even greater form of manipulation. Think about that.

To sum it up in short: We are given a story with facts and let them do the thinking for us throughout their whole presentation, telling us how the party of their choice is manipulating us, while in fact, that is exactly what they are doing at that very moment, manipulating you into thinking the other party is manipulating you.

Keep in mind three things: Just because part of what they tell you is true, doesn’t make the whole story they feed you truly, research and rethink what they are truly telling you and if the math they do for you in fact adds up because not always what sounds right, is right and lastly, you often, have another choice that they don’t always give you.

To get back to the start of my post, we are not always given the options we want to choose and that is not only in the above example. Real-life deals us these choices constantly. There have been situations where we had no option left then to break the law or go against the rules. Something which a lot of us don’t see even as an option because this may bring us in a situation that we are even further away from the option of our choice or the result that we aim for.

For example during the world war in Europe people had to make a choice between life and death. Often this meant we had to abide by something bad in order to stay alive. Neither of our choices would have determined our success rate because we didn’t reach what we wanted to reach. Understand that whatever is the law is not always just and the law is for sure not always on your side. And not always do we have the options we want to choose.

Sometimes choices are being made for us, without our consent or even without us knowing and having any control over this simply because we don’t control other people and we are all in one way or another depending on other people.

Whenever I start writing a blog post I seldom know at the beginning how and where it will lead me and this time that was the same thing. As I write my story forms and grows and sometimes completely goes into another direction than I originally had planned. I am okay with that, however that made this post longer then I had wanted to so I will conclude with one more quote, One I actually do stand behind to an extend.

“You are free to make the choices that you want but you are not free of the consequences of that choice.”

Thank you. Luna

When I hear the complaints and see the hard time people have with social distancing I sometimes wish I could trade places with them. Just to know what it is to have people in my life without an agenda. My social distancing goes a lot further than not being able to go near the people I love. My social distancing contains a lack of people.

People who care about me and want to spend time with me just because they like me and care about me. People who respect my boundaries and value me enough to add effort to their words and promises. Who don’t abandon me, reject me or make me feel bad about myself and the things I love.

But I’m alone. I have sought social distance myself from people who where not good for my mental health. Being abused and now traumatized brought me a lot of fears and taught me not to trust people. My fear of abandonment keeps people on a distance. Every little potential red flag I see makes me step back right away.

I realized everyone has red flags and I don’t know which ones to ignore and which ones not. Because there litterally are no people without red flags. So I practice social distancing for most my life.

With my last relationship painfully ending last year almost a year ago now, I also lost my best friend. I’ve been trying ever since to make new friends but it’s hard when you have believed in fairytales and still long for them in your heart.

I want it back, my dreams and hopes, and be able to share myself with those that I love but I also want to be valued and myself and my boundaries to be respected. Perhaps at the end that is non-existent just like a true fairytale.

One part of C-PTSD and the effects it has on the body is often not mentioned or seen as the lesser part of the problems I’ve noticed. This is the physical pain. I’m not sure what exactly causes it other then that your immune system lowers when you experience a lot of stress because that results often in bad eating habits and a broken sleep pattern.

In the last week a number if things that happened caused a lot of stress for me. My sleeping pattern was disrupted right away and my appetite changed just aswell even tho I’m.trying to maintain both in a healthy way it’s nearly impossible because the reasons that cause this are things I can not quickly take care of.

The adrenaline keeps me from sleeping and my hypervigilance wakes me up at the slightest notion if any form of distress when I do manage to falll asleep. This lowers my immune system and when the stress that goes to my stomach makes me feel sick to a point where I’m almost throwing up my appetite is almost completely gone. It happened in the past that I litterally could not keep the food in my stomach so when I feel like that I only try to eat a little bit when I’m at my best moments during such periods.

Together this is a perfect recipe to actually get sick and it worries me a lot especially now with this virus going on. I really can’t afford to get sick because I don’t have anyone bear to take care of things for me or to simply get emotionally worse and fall back in a depression which I feel like I’m balancing on the edge of for the last 5 months if not longer.

My daughter needs me to be a healthy mom who’s there for her, who’s strong and gives her a good example. I know that me battling this instead of giving up is a good example but I feel like she is missing out when these problems I’m dealing with get the best of me. That knowledge adds to all the things I’m dealing with already and these thoughts are not helping me to feel any better.

I’m bringing this up because this affects our/my total well being and mood even more. Being tired and grumpy with a lot of stress going on mixed with our/ my traumas creates a perfect cocktail to ruin even more in my life. Don’t dismiss the physical issues related to c-ptsd be cause they are a great influence on everything. I just wanted to bring this up because it’s often not seen as a very important factor of the problems we deal with.