Rambling
When you have so much on your heart and mind that you are overflowing but don’t really have anyone to talk to or with. No one who actually cares. I have learned that some people may give you a minute but they realize soon that they don’t really want to give up their time to be really there for someone. Or maybe they are in the same place as me and can’t.
Some people think I am not trying hard enough to make new friends but that’s not really for them to judge when they have not even been near where I am at. The last thing I need right now is to meet again with no understanding and judgment. And pouring out my heart or letting my guard down among “strangers” is not something I usually do.
There’s so much anger bottled up inside of me along with pain and fear. The need to get away from all of that is great and even tho I will have to deal with it myself without support it’s one step forward and two steps back.
This therapy I’m supposed to be receiving is not working at all even tho it hasn’t started yet. But it’s getting unclear for me what exactly I been doing in therapy these last few months. I don’t even think it’s therapy at all. it’s really a waste of time and that too angers me because I really want so badly to keep working on my healing journey and move forward.
Sometimes I think it’s just too much for just anyone and I wonder how I am and have been able to keep going. I often feel like just giving up. But I can’t. Just trying to relax to be able to let go of all this.
Lol you know those lines people post on their timelines in social media. About sitting with someone in the dark when they are depressed and that if anyone needs someone to talk to when they are really down and want to give up. They don’t. To most it’s just a good looking sentence on their feed. But true selflessness care is not behind it.
Something most people don’t realize is that just being there for someone to hang out with that they are comfortable with might make all the difference and maybe all the support they need. To be able to relax for a while is important for everyone every day. Something that seems impossible to me so often I hide in sleep if I can.
Because everyone is too busy to really have attention for those who really need it. Too busy. And I look around me and see what they are busy with. And I don’t know because I’m not them and I can’t judge the importance of what they are doing and have no right to because it’s their life’s and not mine. And I sit alone keeping to myself since that’s what I do best while everything boils inside me and tears stream down my cheeks. It hurts. And I blame everything ad everyone but foremost myself because I can’t get past all this pain and trauma.
