Ghosts in the night.
The thoughts arising before, during and after writing my last blog post on gaslighting has triggered me. The emotions passing through me are traveling in such a speed and switch their character constantly which makes it nearly impossible to keep up with it and rationalize them. They trigger more and more emotions until I finally broke down and found myself crying and hugging myself in an attempt to comfort myself.
What caused my breakdown? The simple fact that there is just no way to explain what I am enduring right now. The pain, the fear, the heartache, the loneliness and much much more. I know many don’t understand and will bring up things like being strong, forget it, move on, get over it, get yourself together. And I will, eventually I will get myself together again but for now, I allow myself to mourn my losses and give voice to my pain in silence, all by myself with tears on my cheeks and my arms wrapped around myself.
It starts with sadness and quickly turns into a flood of memories and their emotions that bring me down faster then I can brace myself against it. Thoughts of suicide appear with the realization that this is a lifetime battle with the knowledge that I won’t be able to heal like many with the same diagnoses as me.
We need a healthy, supportive loving and caring environment, family, friends and loved ones we can trust to be able to fully heal from the damage done to us. And this is exactly the one thing that many of us don’t have. It makes me so sad, it hurts so much that the thoughts of giving up arise.
Longing for peace, longing to escape the constant battles, fears, and exhaustion, longing for that love that I see everywhere around me but somehow is not able to reach me, touch me and surround me because of the abuse I have suffered I am staying clear of it as far as I can even though Its the one thing I need and long the most for.
Tonight I cant find the strength and energy to cut myself loose from my demons and I guess I’m just going to lay down and cry myself to sleep. Tomorrow will be a new day. I know it will take some time again to recharge before I have found my strength back but I will.
Goodnight
