One of the things I am facing in my life due to my traumas is that I isolate myself. I do this to protect myself from getting hurt. I do not trust people by default. There are very few people in my life that gained a little lvl of trust. My distrust of people is based on the fact that I am being deceived and lied and betrayed ALMOST everytime I let someone in. Not just exes, but friends or so-called friends because in all honesty ppl that betray you and use like they did to me and show no regret whatsoever are not friends at all in the first place. But also my own family members, parents, and siblings. People you are normally supposed to be able to trust, I can not trust as learned by experience, not because I am afraid that they have proven to me I can not trust them by betraying me, abusing me and lie to me on a level that is very destructive. I know isolating myself is unhealthy but at the same time letting people in my life who then repeatedly continuously abuse me use me betray me etc etc is just as unhealthy. You can say I pick the wrong people to befriend well you don’t know that until you get to know those people and it is too late. I am not befriending people that are known to be abusive or criminals or people with a bad reputation. I really am not that dumb. I stay clear from people that seem to be the type to cause problems to begin with. Yet, I need to let people in my life to allow my self to heal as much as i can from my traumas. And I am able to see the difference between those people who have just treated me badly because of their selfish reasons and those that made mistakes and sincerely regret that and want to make things right with me. No one is perfect and I don’t expect anyone to be. I do however expect those in that close circle of trust to respect me and be responsible for their choices and mistakes. And each different lvl of trust comes with different expectations.

Make friends I have been told so many times. But it really is not that easy to make new friends. Appart from most ppl already have a circle of friends they engage with. No one is really waiting for someone with my issues. I also am an introvert due to my traumas. I do isolate myself and need to be and get motivated to go outside. I won’t meet anyone new when I don’t leave my house. I’m well aware of that. So I do force myself to do certain social activities and things. I even do enjoy those things and moments once I am participating in it. I don’t do my groceries online and only shop online out of convenience because I can find things online a lot easier cheaper then I can in normal stores. I am being approached by men sometimes but obviously, they just want just that what men want from a  woman and I’m not interested in that either. So yeah it is not that easy to make friends.

Sometimes endings and beginnings are not so easily separated. They shouldn’t. At least that is what I believe. An ending is also a new beginning at the same time. A new beginning could be just the closure you need for your ending. And sometimes things that you thought had ended did not truly end. Also, I don’t believe there can be beginnings without endings. Something does end one way or another as small or unnoticeable as they may be.

My last season of 2017 contained a lot of revelations good and bad. I found out about a lot of things I intuitive already knew but didn’t wanted to accept or couldn’t accept. I used to believe they where my fears or simply took that as the reason so I did not have to believe my intuition. It ended a lot of things, but it also started a lot of new things. I’m not happy about my discoveries but I am glad to find out how good my intuition is. I still find it hard to trust my intuition and follow up on it. Simply because it does not come with proof.

It came with a lot of insecurities and it helped me set new boundaries or simply put, certain boundaries at all. What I did find was parts of myself that I know I can rely on and that others can rely on. I’m not perfect but I am proud of me.

Last year, 2017 was a year of growth, discovering, and learning. This year, 2018, I expect to be a year of strength where I learn to find new trust in myself and strength to overcome more hardships. I believe it to be a year where I can build a foundation that I longed for so long and find trust in it.

2018 will be another important year for me, no less or more than 2016, where I made an important decision that changed my life, or 2017 that was a year of growth and discoveries, good and bad.  Gratitude and appreciation have been important factors in each of these years and they were a great support to me I found. I have taken this as an important lesson and will continue to trust the importance of these factors in my life. Love and strength to you and yours and may 2018 be a year full of what you need the most.

Once, a little while after I meet someone new, that person asked me, wondered about why I didn’t asked much about him. If I wasn’t interested to get to know him better. I never really realized that I don’t do that. Not just in that occasion, I just don’t do that. I never really found myself comfortable asking other people directly about their personal life.

When people share themself, parts of their personal life with me, I see that as a gift and that makes it more special and beautiful to me, especially in this case where I had ( and still have) romantic feelings for this man. I also listen to what is being left unsaid and yes if a topic is brought up and I do have a question about it I will ask, sometimes more carefully then another time. But I will. That’s what I told him and how I truly do feelabout this.

Thinking more about this brings me even more to the why. Maybe it’s got to do with the lack of boundaries I always had in my life and I don’t want to place someone else in a position I don’t like to be. I basically always answer if someone asks me something. I have recently started to learn that I don’t have to. I am allowed to simply let the other now that I don’t want to answer or that it’s none of their business basically. Mind ya I’m still in the process of learning this but it’s coming. Understanding this now more made me also realize why he thought of it maybe as desintrest. He probably had not realized either the connection of me keeping that distance where on the other hand I am very open about myself and my lack of boundaries.

When I know someone much longer I don’t have such issues with asking personal questions though. But yes that’s usually only after I know someone a significant amount of time.