To hear and to be heard, to understand and to be understood, I believe, is the doorway to mutual respect.  In any topic that comes up listen to the other person with an open mind. Put your own agenda aside for a moment and listen to what they actually have to say and share. Just because you don’t agree with the same thoughts, opinion, and ideas,  does not mean you can not find common ground. And even if you won’t find common ground, the best way to disarm those that oppose to you is carefully listen to what they say so you know what they are talking about and what you are defending/fighting against.

Keep in mind that you have not lived the other person’s life and if you had, you might have chosen the same choices they did. That does not mean you necessarily approve of their decisions. After all, when you think back about your own decisions in the past you will likely find decisions you won’t approve of now anymore either.

Empathy is understanding where the other comes from and why they choose to do what they do or what they believe. The sole purpose of listening to the other person is not to endorse or oppose but to understand. Once that has been reached you may be able to find respect for the other person in some way. So do not dehumanize the other person by devaluing who they are and what they believe and stand for. After listening to them and you have reacted and they have listened to you give them too the chance to respond to you without using frequent interruptions and discounting their ideas.

Learn what the difference is between feeling offended and being insulted.  We all have been in conversations where someone said something that may have offended you or someone else. Determining whether you have accidentally been offended or purposely insulted is important. Just because you feel offended does not mean the other person means to insult you. Give people the benefit of the doubt especially if this is a relationship with a person important to you. Let them know you did not appreciate what they said and why. If you are unsure you can always ask. Explain how you took it and ask if it was intended that way. If it as not intended then ask them to explain how it was intended. Separating offense from insult can literally mean to save your relationship with that person.

Don’t forget that your actions and reactions speak for you, not the other person so if your reactions are negative that leaves a negative stain on your tab, not the other person.

A really long time ago when I was a little girl about my own lil daughter’s age, she’s 7 almost 8, I had a friend. She lived right next to me and was a little younger than me. We walked to school together sometimes and after school, we often played together. We were not in the same class though. One day when walking to school I got into a fight with her (verbally).  That did not happen often. She was saying really mean things to me that were hurting me and I  called her stupid and dumb and that kind of things, like most kids, do when they fight. Other kids had found out we had been fighting and since I was already a target of bullying that was added to it. I was being called a racist because my friend who I often played with after school and walked to school many times has a dark skin color. Simply because she has a dark skin color and we were fighting I was called a racist. I remember how shocked and angry I was. I did not care about her skin color at all. she was being mean to me and that was the only reason I was mad at her and why we had been fighting. None of those kids were hanging out with her or me for that matter and I know some of them used to talk bad about her too. It was just another stick they could hit me with. I knew that. But still, being called a racist was something I never imagined people would say about me. I am not a bully, I am not a racist. I don’t judge people on what they look like or where they come from. I don’t even judge people on their actions always because everything has more as one viewpoint and I am not as arrogant to think that only my viewpoint is right, often there are also other elements at play that others are not aware of and this is why I am careful before I judge someone.

I have lived and been abused by a narcist who when I met him I never could think he is a narcist. He was the most charming and nice person I met, I thought he was compassionate and caring. But I have learned that narcists can only pretend compassion and care when it suits their needs. When I realized I needed to take care of myself when I was put down so much and started doing that, I found out how low a narcist can sink. He blamed me for his alcoholism although he was already drinking long before I met him. His family does not know him this way. They have never experienced his abusive behavior towards me and think I am the worst person ever.  So before you defend someone to realize that the other person story is just as important and may hold a truth you will never see. Just because you didn’t see it, heard it or felt it doesn’t make it less true and it doesn’t mean the person you defend has no responsibility. Be careful before you judge.

Someone who has hurt me deeply told me sometimes that even after I told him I have forgiven him that I didn’t. I still say I did. But what is forgiveness and what exactly is the meaning of it? How do you know you truly have forgiven someone? I went on a search for the answers. I will add the links to my sources so you know I didn’t just go over it rapidly.

In my opinion, before I started my research I wrote down what I believe is forgiveness and why I think I have forgiven him.

My Opinion: Even tho he has hurt me deeply. Forgiving him was for me a decision based on my love for him and wanting to let go of the pain and hurt. I wanted to move on and get past of what happened so we could work on things and get past it together. So I simply decided to forgive him after I evaluated the situation over and over again. I have questioned him about the events that have hurt me until I had all the answers and information I needed to move past it. He was very helpful doing this and even though it was painful it helped me moved past it I believe quickly. Of course, it hurt and it did hurt for quite a while. Forgiving n my opinion doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt any more or you have forgotten it or got past it. Forgiveness I believe means you are ready to move on and find peace with it.

My research:

When you forgive, you are accepting the situation, and you are trying to find a way to live with it. The process may be gradual, and it does not mean that you need to include the person that has hurt you because you forgive for yourself, not for them.

In order to forgive, you need to want to forgive. And, sometimes, when the hurt is too deep, you are not willing to do that. So, do no try to forgive someone before you know what you want and release your pain and anger.

source: https://gottadotherightthing.com/tips-help-forgive/

Forgiveness is letting go of the need for revenge and releasing negative thoughts of bitterness and resentment.

source: https://psychcentral.com/lib/what-is-forgiveness/

Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness. Instead, forgiveness brings the forgiver peace of mind and frees him or her from corrosive anger. While there is some debate over whether true forgiveness requires positive feelings toward the offender, experts agree that it at least involves letting go of deeply held negative feelings. In that way, it empowers you to recognize the pain you suffered without letting that pain define you, enabling you to heal and move on with your life.

source: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/forgiveness/definition

Now, these previous sources somewhat similar to what I believe is forgiving  but the next source does not seem to really agree with my opinion.

Forgiveness is, in part, a willingness to drop the narrative on a particular injustice, to stop telling ourselves over and over again the story of what happened, what this other person did, how we were injured, and all the rest of the upsetting things we remind ourselves in relation to this unforgivable-ness.  It’s a decision to let the past be what it was, to leave it as is, imperfect and not what we wish it had been.  Forgiveness means that we stop the shoulda, coulda, woulda been-s and relinquish the idea that we can create a different (better) past.

source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/inviting-monkey-tea/201803/what-is-forgiveness-really

Evaluation: Now after reading this last source and evaluating things with my self again I still believe I have forgiven him because I was willing and have been working past the painful events and I can leave it in the past altho it’s not forgotten and it does sting me sometimes. But as with everything life is not as black and white. So my answer is still the same I did forgive him but when remembered about the painful events it does hurt a little bit again.