I am filled with thoughts and thoughts and more thoughts and I have no idea where the start or the end is. Whenever one thought leaves another new one pops in like on a high way full of traffic.

Anxiety pops up too in the mids of it and then once in a while a panic attack to finish it off. Where once I found the peace I find emptiness. It’s just another beating down on my heart which feels pretty raw and runs over on that same high way I mentioned before with everything I have been going through since a month n a half almost now. Not to forget the old stuff I’m still dealing with as well.

I’m trying to shut it off and stay in the here and now but it’s hard. I really do need a break something to look forward to. Summer is so far away and this last vacation did not really have the weather to get me going anywhere. Besides the lack of energy I’m having I guess I need to let it settle down a little first. Besides, that break won’t be really stress-free since I can not just do whatever I want for a little. My daughter and my dog I am going to have to take with me. cause they can’t take care of themselves.

On top of that, I wouldn’t really feel happy without them anyway. I’d worry about them then instead and still won’t be able to relax. sighs.

I wrote the title of this topic with a question mark because more and more I begin to see how humanity is destroying itself and as much as I call humanity not humane anymore it seems to be the definition of human beings today that humanity is not humane at all. Even those exclaiming loud and far and beyond how much woke they are and care how 100% they are and real. The new trend of being an activist is growing fast. I dislike all these terms really, to be honest. None of these people is that much better than the people who they claim to be so bad.

I have seen people calling other people racists being just as much a racist themselves calling the other race down on the color of their skin and judging them accordingly. It’s disgraceful and sad. Don’t use anyone’s skin color against them in any circumstance. It’s wrong! It doesn’t matter what color your own skin is as soon as u use the skin color of another person against them, you are a racist.

I’ve seen people who call themself woke and 100% real and claim to protect n stand up for other women call the other women just as much down whenever. Defending lies and betrayal only because its someone of their own kin.

I refuse to defend what’s wrong only because someone I love did it. Wrong is wrong and no I wouldn’t love them any less just like that because they did something wrong but I wouldn’t defend their action either n call the other person out.

Everyone can screw up n do stupid things n make wrongs. I do too. Just don’t pretend to be better than anyone else or that it’s ok for me to do so. Because it’s not.

I feel humanity is losing its right to survive if it hasn’t lost it already in my opinion. Greed is everywhere n truly caring about others is often very hard to find n limited to what these people can do for them.

As much as I have always cared about people, I’m losing that now. My heart is becoming so hurt and battered that it cant contain that care anymore. I don’t want to be part of this human race anymore as it is now. There is barely any good or bad in this world anymore all there is, is how to get more n better n stand above other people n their rights. Its all just bad even those who claim to be so good are just as guilty at hurting others in their own tracks of trying to be better than whoever they think is bad.

I pull away from ppl instead n try to keep doing what’s right. And even I myself see how much part of all this I have become. Its sad n painful to realize. But it’s true. Greed in ANY form is going to destroy humanity. And one should not just think of greed as possessions and materialistic things or gold or money. Greed as in power, being better than anyone else in any way is just as much greed whether that is meant to be better at being “good” or whatever they call it. It’s still greed.

I’m scared, of people. This is my number one fear. Why am I scared of people? because everyone I have loved and cared for and trusted has either betrayed me, lied to me, backstabbed me, cheated on me or abused me.

People who where suposed to be there for you through your life wherent there when I needed them and if they where around I couldnt trust them.

I am at a point now where I simply can not put myself to trust anyone anymore and that is terrifying. I don’t know how to describe it in any other way but litterally terrifying me.

It has taken me to a point now where I don’t believe anything anyone says anymore. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I am scared and I seriously could use a friend. But there is none, no one I can trust or let my guard down with anymore.

Im trying so hard but I’m losing this battle. It’s too much for me alone and most of the peopel I have reached out to have let me down just as well….

Should I just.. Give up? Im so tired…

UPDATED – UPDATED – UPDATED

‘The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago. The second-best time is now,’ 

I honestly have no reason related to my post why I started with it because it has not really much to do with what I am about to write about altho in the end I might find a link to it, I basically wrote it because I like the quote and wanted to post it.

Now about the second part of my title. I was very serious about it. The very first thing I like to say about this is that I believe that apologies are about foremost all about relationships and not only those with others. The relationship you have with yourself, your peace of mind, has a lot to do with apologies as well. How can one forgive when there is no guilt or remorse? Apologies and forgiveness are required to be able to move on from a certain thing I believe.

Apologies need to be sincere and direct. Not vague and disowning your responsibility. You can not first apologize and later on say you didn’t do anything wrong after the other person has forgiven you and you have taken advantage of this. (Unless, of course, the situation that you apologized for has changed because something was unknown to you about the situation at the time it happened.)

Yes, I call it taken advantage because you did get better of it and enjoying the other person’s trust while the other person was being misled. The misled person may not know it at the time but at the time you say you did not do anything wrong and with that retract your own responsibility and apology from them getting hurt is actually very mean and hurtful. Don’t play with peoples feelings!!

Neither should you apologize for other peoples feelings when you had a hand in them feeling that way. They have the right to feel hurt and it’s normal they feel hurt when they are being wronged by another person. There is nothing wrong with their feelings so you shouldn’t apologize for it Apologies for your actions instead!

“The ubiquitous “I’m sorry you were offended” or “I’m sorry if your feelings were hurt” are not really sincere apologies! In fact, they fall into what might be termed as the passive-aggressive category – you know the person is hurt, you know you did something to contribute to it, but you don’t really feel compelled to own it.”

“What does it feel like to the person on the other side when the apology implies that they have a problem – they were the one who chose to be offended, they were the one with the weak feelings that got easily hurt, they were the one who misinterpreted your actions and interpreted them as hurtful? So, who is the problem? ”

“Focusing on becoming good at saying “I’m sorry” in a meaningful and legitimate manner is useful. The research is clear that forgiveness is good for your health. You can’t often get forgiveness unless you can admit you were wrong, offer a sincere apology and ask for the forgiveness of the other person. “

source:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understand-other-people/201607/i-m-sorry-you-were-offended-is-not-really-apology

Fivefold – Lost within

Crawl out of the hole you’re in,
Who you are is not who you’ve been
Now’s the time to sink or swim,
Will you fight the tide or get lost within?

And I know you’re feeling low,
Feel like you’ve lost control
But the darkness that you know,
It’s not your home and you’re not alone

And all you’ve wanted
Was just so much more
This world has taken a hold,
Don’t let them get your soul
The silence, you feel it,
Cold as a winter storm
This world has taken a hold,
Don’t let them get your soul

Iron bars are a hell to break,
Tell me now, do you know what’s at stake?
Your whole life in a blank stare haze,
You walk around like the end of days

And I know you’re feeling low,
Feel like you’ve lost control,
But the darkness that you know,
It’s not your home and you’re not alone

And all you’ve wanted
Was just so much more
This world has taken a hold,
Don’t let them get your soul
The silence, you feel it,
Cold as a winter storm

This world has taken a hold,
Don’t let them get your soul

I’m coming out t you,
Can you hear me?

They can’t break you down,
Let you hit the ground
I promise you it won’t be long
You’re feeling overwhelmed here,
Drowned by the pain and the fear
The sun will come up with the dawn

All you’ve wanted
Was just so much more
This world has taken a hold,
Don’t let them get your soul
The silence, you feel it,
Cold as a winter storm
This world has taken a hold,
Don’t let them get your soul,
Get your soul