Trees, and Apologies
UPDATED – UPDATED – UPDATED
‘The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago. The second-best time is now,’
I honestly have no reason related to my post why I started with it because it has not really much to do with what I am about to write about altho in the end I might find a link to it, I basically wrote it because I like the quote and wanted to post it.
Now about the second part of my title. I was very serious about it. The very first thing I like to say about this is that I believe that apologies are about foremost all about relationships and not only those with others. The relationship you have with yourself, your peace of mind, has a lot to do with apologies as well. How can one forgive when there is no guilt or remorse? Apologies and forgiveness are required to be able to move on from a certain thing I believe.
Apologies need to be sincere and direct. Not vague and disowning your responsibility. You can not first apologize and later on say you didn’t do anything wrong after the other person has forgiven you and you have taken advantage of this. (Unless, of course, the situation that you apologized for has changed because something was unknown to you about the situation at the time it happened.)
Yes, I call it taken advantage because you did get better of it and enjoying the other person’s trust while the other person was being misled. The misled person may not know it at the time but at the time you say you did not do anything wrong and with that retract your own responsibility and apology from them getting hurt is actually very mean and hurtful. Don’t play with peoples feelings!!
Neither should you apologize for other peoples feelings when you had a hand in them feeling that way. They have the right to feel hurt and it’s normal they feel hurt when they are being wronged by another person. There is nothing wrong with their feelings so you shouldn’t apologize for it Apologies for your actions instead!
“The ubiquitous “I’m sorry you were offended” or “I’m sorry if your feelings were hurt” are not really sincere apologies! In fact, they fall into what might be termed as the passive-aggressive category – you know the person is hurt, you know you did something to contribute to it, but you don’t really feel compelled to own it.”
“What does it feel like to the person on the other side when the apology implies that they have a problem – they were the one who chose to be offended, they were the one with the weak feelings that got easily hurt, they were the one who misinterpreted your actions and interpreted them as hurtful? So, who is the problem? ”
“Focusing on becoming good at saying “I’m sorry” in a meaningful and legitimate manner is useful. The research is clear that forgiveness is good for your health. You can’t often get forgiveness unless you can admit you were wrong, offer a sincere apology and ask for the forgiveness of the other person. “
