Thinking back about a conversation I had with someone yesterday I realize I didn’t ask how they were doing. But it’s not because I didn’t want to know or didn’t care, I seldom ask people how they are doing or what they are doing even people I care a lot about. I don’t like small talk. People are usually just saying I’m okay, I’m fine, all good or whatever without telling really how they are doing. Either people don’t want to tell me, because it’s me and I don’t fit into that circle of people they share that with or they are not comfortable telling me for whatever reason. So I don’t ask people often how they are doing.

When I ask someone how they are doing, or how their day went or something, I sincerely like to know how they are doing. If I ask, I really do want to know how you are doing, what have you done today? Tell me something that made your day or that surprised you, something you liked or disliked, feeling a little sick? Tell me. Sad or down? Tell me.

When I get past my fear of the rejection because I see it as a rejection of not fitting into the category of people you do want to tell whats going on in your life and ask what you are doing and how you are doing understand that I care and that I am being sincere.

Now just because I didn’t ask when we talked doesn’t mean I don’t care, I most likely just held back by my fear. So please tell me anyway, I am an introvert and due to my traumas dealing with a lot of fears however that doesn’t mean I am not interested in you.

And if somehow I stopped asking than most likely something has scared me from asking again. I will let you know when I don’t have time or when I am not interested or by chance can’t pay attention due to things I am dealing with or maybe I am too tired. I will just ask you to share it with me another time. I wouldn’t ask to tell me another time if I didn’t want to know.

Also, I like to think that when someone shares something about them with me without asking that it’s like a gift to me. Someone sharing something with me because they really want to share something with you is for me very priceless. I am not surrounded by people who want to share things, stories, etc with me. (due to my own isolation) So I really appreciate that if you do.

I have learned to listen to my emotions more in the last few years and due to my traumas I can not always handle everything. My mind is dealing with so many things at the same time and most people don’t realize that or forget it because it may look like I am fine but rest assured that my mind is always incredibly active, overloaded or exhausted. And yes I do know I need to work on this and I will. So please, tell me how are you doing, how have you been?

I did it again, I booked another little trip. I am not going to reveal yet where the journey will take us but I can assure you it’s going to be magical! As a little girl, I often dreamed of this. I remember telling someone, I think last year, about this little dream, that’s how much it meant to me.

Growing up many of my dreams like these disappeared like balloons in the sky. Some popped rather quickly others a little later and some were blown away by the wind never to be seen again. Because I am someone who makes things happen, some of them I have found back when I went searching for them. Just like this one.

My healing journey is just as enchanted as the place where my travels will go to. With all its ups and downs I do realize how magical this journey full of discoveries is. Even when not everything on my healing path has been a joyful experience, rather the opposite, I can’t deny the magic of it.

I know on this small trip I too will meet obstacles and difficulties but I know I will get past them and will be able to enjoy this trip or at least large parts of it. I may reveal more of this dream come true as the day of departure comes closer. Safe travels everyone!

I am so excited! I have been invited to visit a poetry reading at Waterstone bookstore in Amsterdam.

It’s called: “J.R.R. Tolkien: Adventures in Poetry and Pictures”. There will be a very special guest, Cor Blok who is a renowned Tolkien illustrator. He will be talking about his work and show his paintings. We are also able to purchase various beautiful editions of all of Tolkien’s books of course.

It promises to be a very unique and special evening. I am really excited to go. Elen síla lúmenn’ omentielvo!

I have locked my Instagram and people can no longer just see my pictures cause apparently some people do not understand how to leave people alone that are healing from a break-up. They have to go and spread lies about me to people who don’t even know me and really have no business knowing about me, who in turn get so nosy that they check out my Instagram site and then block me when they accidentally like a picture.

There are two different stories on how this happened and both were told to me by the same person. I don’t know which one is true but I have no interest in being part of such drama. LOL, they aren’t even truths. Stop with the damn lies.

I just want to heal and recover and had wanted to treasure the good memories when the pain has faded which is hard enough already without flying monkeys and a smear campaign. 🙁 The pain is real..

As I am writing this I am still working through the anxiety that was caused a few days ago when I had another eye-opening revelation during one of my meditations. One of the reasons I isolate myself is because of the judgment I received in the past upon friendships I try to create with other people.

One of my exes from long ago was very aggressive, jealous and even physically violent. (actually, two were) As a person whos traumatized I already had isolated myself a lot and kept from trying to form new healthy friendships especially with people from the other gender due to this new relationship where I feared meeting the disapproval, anger or even worse from my partner at the time.

Even after that relationship was ended I didn’t form easily friendships with people again especially with people from the other gender. My isolation lasted and I did not even realize for a long time that I was in fact isolating myself. By the time I started realizing my isolation my social anxiety and fear of people had grown and to form friendships, in general, had become a huge problem for me. Altho it really did not seem to cause me many problems because I was used to be on my own and independent.

After time passes and I began to find new friendships with other people I also met my last partner.

He was/is codependent and very insecure and jealous. Together with my own issues and C-PTSD that did not go well in the long run. Once again forming friendships with other people became a problem. I didn’t want my relationships with other people to become a problem for my relationship with him so I kept from forming new friendships which with my life experience of isolating myself was really not that hard. Mind you this was mostly MY decision so no blame on him. He has supported me tremendously in the last three years.

This relationship is now over unfortunately and with everything that has happened at the end, there is no return to it unless there are drastic changes taking place which I don’t expect to happen. But my anxiety to form new friendships continues.

After I found out that he now has told people that I look for attention from other men during our relationship (he had told me this himself that he told them that) I triggered in the next few days after that, big time. I kept reviewing my own behavior and judging myself while being confronted with my fears every time anyone in the ark community that I play with talks to me or offers me any form of help. Or even other communities that I participate in IRL or in-game. With a history of being abused, I hardly trust anyone at all to begin with.

It makes me angry that especially my ex who has been cheating and flirting with others during our relationship and in between the breaks of our relationship lies about me in such a manner. I don’t know if he is trying to justify himself and his own behavior or is just still scared I find someone else and wants to use that to prove that he was right or maybe he is just angry because he is hurting. But the truth is I don’t need or want another relationship or even that kind of attention from any men. I never in my life have cheated on anyone in any of my relationships even.

Funny detail is that other people who KNOW he has cheated on me actually even believe him and supports those lies simply because they don’t know me and like him. The damage they do by enabling him and supporting that they don’t see I guess.

I understand how al lot of his behavior grows from fear and insecurity. And the whole relationship was not all bad at all. There was a huge understanding between us and we found peace and safety and calm in each other that we haven’t found anywhere else. Now to be truthful since he is codependent I do not know how true this really is from his end. He has lied so much to me and about me to other people that the truth is very difficult for me to see anymore between everything.

I am still dealing with the enormous loss that I feel since the relationship sudden ended and especially now I can use friends and people who support me I seem to reject and distance myself out of fear of judgment from other people. I have joined a supportive community on Facebook for people diagnosed with c-ptsd and this tends to be helpful but not filling that empty gap where I need a friend I dare to trust.

When I meet new ppl (especially online since IRL I isolate myself, even more, I only go outside if I really have to) I am only focussing on potential red flags. It begins with gender. If they are male I am by default cautious because they may have a second agenda and want more then friendship. Then everything I learn about them is another potential red flag even when it isn’t I make it one, as the simple fact if they are male! Women the same way I red flag because I have been betrayed by just the lot of them too.

It’s like an ongoing circle which I can only finally truly break if I meet genuine honest caring people that I feel comfortable with can form a closer friendship with. What I need to heal is a loving environment where I can feel safe and let my guard down for a while. I found this in my last partner and he helped me find some love for myself back again I’ll be always grateful for this.