Streaming today again and I’m so overwhelmed and amazed by the fact that within 31 days of daily streaming I reached affiliate status, 123 followers and 7 subscribers. I am so grateful and overwhelmed by this success. Thank you all so much my dear viewers and followers! Without you i could not have done this. Also a big thank you to the fellow streamers and friends that have supported me in this new adventure. Thank you!

Twitch.tv/Lunatearz

Someone asked me the other day who else has been impressing me and honestly I didn’t know how to answer that.

Throughout my life, there have been a few people who have tried to impress me, and for a short time, they have. Though when that followed up with major disappointments and lies I wasn’t so impressed anymore. I also think when I was younger it may have been a lot easier to impress me than today. I have a lot more patience today.

I don’t like surprises I always say. Well, that’s not entirely true. I do like surprises but again when they are being held against me up to a point where you can call it abuse, you might understand why surprises scare me. So I prefer no surprises, I like to feel safe and secure. This brings up my fears again that take hold of my life. It saddens me and makes me wonder if I’m missing out on much in life. Maybe it is time to break that cycle. I don’t know.

So what impresses me? I am impressed by genuine, character, kindness, generosity, honesty, loyalty, and intellect. Details matter. Spoil me with your time, attention, effort, and presence. Enthusiasm, humor, and have a backbone. Build me up, support, and care. But most of all be genuine. Things that would impress me arent done solely to impress me.

It’s really that simple. Or maybe not. When and if I am impressed I won’t quickly show it. Perhaps that’s demotivating but there is a difference between bragging, showing off, and impressing, and I’m only truly impressed when whatever it is that impresses me, is genuine. Genuinity is important to me. Be real. I am real too.. Actions and time will show how genuine a person is. And even tho they say a Gemini does not have patience, here is something you can learn about me. I do have certain patience.

This one question lead to another for me. How do I impress other people? I find that an even harder question to answer. I don’t really like trying to impress other people purposefully. I guess if I cant impress people by who I am then what is the use of impressing people really? So who am I that should impress someone?

I am someone who doesn’t easily give up on something I have set my mind on. If I want something I will work for it and do what I can and need, to reach that goal. No, not at all costs but I know that you can not have it all and choices need to be made. So I try to make my choices carefully even tho I am a spontaneous person who follows her heart. I have a good sense of humor and love to laugh.

I am very loyal to an extend and protective of those I care about. I’m very kind and have a big heart but if you take my kindness for gullibility you are in for a big surprise. Don’t make the mistake to underestimate my intelligence. Play games with me and I may play along for a little while if I like you enough but in the long run, you lose my attention and interest. I need (re)assurance and sometimes lots of it. I am often an open book; just ask me what you want to know about me and you likely get a direct and honest answer.

I can’t stand unjust and always try to do what’s right. I raised my children the same way. As judgemental and opinionated I might be I do like to respect other people’s opinions even when I dont aggree with it. I stand up for what I believe in and will speak out even when I am a minority I will.

I like to take care of myself and I am very independent altho I don’t mind being spoiled and pampered once I feel safe and secure with the person who does. Time and effort would be the safest way to go about with me to reach that point. I do not like asking for help but when I do rest assure that I either like you a lot or swallowed a lot of my pride and fears, or all of the before. Due to my traumas, there are a lot more things about me that are part of me whether I like it or not. I have C-PTSD and with that comes a lot of other issues attached. Not impressed? IDC because I am not trying to impress.

The only competition I have is me. There is no better me then me. <3

It was time to close some chapters of a book that I never finished reading. Started to write again on a clean page but am I ready? My focus was on my healing in the past few months, radical self-care, and eyeopening honesty in the mirror. I faced new growth and with that losses too but that’s ok.. healing comes with mourning and that is ok. I knew it never was going to be easy. My fears are still there but so is my strength and bravery. Bring it on! Ok please don’t but yeah.

So what is new? I have been making new friends, met a lot of people since I started streaming. At first on Mixer but Xbox shut down mixer so after a small month streaming on Mixer I moved to Twitch. I found a lot of support for my streaming and cosplaying which I combine now. I hesitated to link my blog on my Twitch because there is so much me on this blog and was not sure if I was ready to share all that before I have found a little bit more security for myself with my streaming adventure. However, I finally decided to do so, and with that, I also want to pick up my blogging again.

I have been really busy with streaming and working on my Twitch page which still needs a lot of work. I have reached affiliate level which means that users can subscribe to me now and some actually have thanks to the support from all these new people I have met in my stream! That did surprise me, not because I doubt other people but rather wasn’t sure why anyone would pay to subscribe to my channel. Now onto become a partner. Will I be able to become a partner? I don’t know but so far I am enjoying my new ride.

My twitch page: Twitch.tv/Lunatearz My new Instagram cosplay page instagram.com/Lunatearz and my Twitter: twitter.com/Lunatearz Follow me on those pages and join my stream some time to say hi :). Don’t be shy!

Luna,

One of the things I have been always grateful for is the purity of my heart that I still carry with me despite what I had to face and still am dealing with. I realize that everything is connected and that at one point I have contributed and still am contributing to the situation I am in. To make changes and heal is hard due to the ongoing abuse, not only by others but as well by myself.

Sadly it’s common for those dealing with the aftermath of trauma that we are enabling the abuse toward us and even worse is in fact abusing ourselves. Putting myself down, feeling ashamed of things out of my control, Feeling guilty of things that are not my fault. and blaming myself for things I am not responsible for are all results of trauma.

I feel lost, like in a maze, fear like in rollercoaster in a nightmare, I know I need to take good care of myself and I’m trying, every day again no matter the hardships I run in to over and over again Because trauma responses are not just like that to be fixed. Like with CPTSD everything is intertwined with each other and the complexity is underestimated. As they say, you don’t know what it is until you walked in their shoes.

Shrek: For your information, there’s a lot more to ogres than people think.
Donkey: Example?
Shrek: Example? Okay, er… ogres… are… like onions.
Donkey: [sniffs onion] They stink?
Shrek: Yes…NO!
Donkey: Or they make you cry.
Shrek: No!
Donkey: Oh, you leave them out in the sun and they turn brown and start sproutin’ little white hairs.
Shrek: NO! LAYERS! Onions have layers. OGRES have layers. Onions have layers… you get it. We both have layers.
Donkey: Oh, you both have layers. [pause] You know, not everybody likes onions. [pause] CAKES! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers!
Shrek: [restraining temper] I don’t care… what everyone likes. Ogres. Are not. Like cakes!
Donkey: You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, “Let’s get some parfait,” they say, “Heck no, I don’t like no parfait”? Parfaits are delicious.
Shrek: NOOO!!! YOU DENSE, IRRITATING, MINIATURE BEAST OF BURDEN! Ogres are like onions! End of story! Bye bye! [whispers] See you later!
[pause]
Donkey: Parfaits may probably be the most delicious thing on the whole dang planet!
Shrek: You know… I think I preferred you humming…

Shrek said it so well. You know what, I am like an ogre too, but then you are not there yet. add the chaos of a boll of wool all tangled up. and no not just one long thread but also a lot of little lose threads tangled up in that same ball. Maybe one day If I can find the space to heal I can be an ogre too without that ball of entangled wool effect.

I love onions by the way. Besides their taste when prepared in various ways and combined with a wide variety of dishes they have several health benefits. Onions consist mostly of water, carbs, and fiber. Their main fibers can feed the friendly bacteria in your gut, though they may cause digestive problems for some. Onions contain decent amounts of vitamin C, folate, vitamin B6, and potassium, which provide a number of benefits. They are rich in plant compounds and antioxidants, especially quercetin and sulfur-containing compounds. The colorful onions, such as yellow or red ones, pack more antioxidants than white ones. They can lower blood sugar levels, improve bone health, and reduce the risk of several types of cancers. They have also been linked to improved bone health

Raw onion may cause bad breath and can cause eye and mouth irritation. Onions may be toxic to some animals and like I said before they can cause digestive problems for some people and on rare occasions an allergic reaction.

My blog used to be my safe place even though its a public blog I felt always comfortable publishing my writings here. Lately however I have noticed certain people despite my attempts to IP block them still visiting my blog. I don’t know their exact IP and I have tried to block a whole country however somehow there are still loopholes there and I can still see people visiting from that country once in a while. I am just going to assume that it is them. My blog posts are at times extremely sensitive and especially these posts I would like to keep from being accessed by those people.

This limits me in expressing myself and I have decided to try to find ways to protect my posts by making certain posts or maybe perhaps all of them protected. I can do this in several ways. The easiest way would be a subscribers list. However I have an issue with my RSS feed that I don’t seem to be able to solve as of yet and I have no one anymore I trust with having a go at my blog and making sure that it all works as it should.

The last time I trusted someone with this I was grateful because they helped me tremendously doing something I don’t have the know-how for and might have screwed up badly which would have cost me my whole blog. However as grateful as I was a lot of things are not working anymore and this saddens me because I can’t fix them myself. One of those things is the RSS feed.

So unless I find a way to bypass that RSS feed and create a subscribers list other ways I am going to have to use one of the few other options I have. One of them is to pasword protect them. This would require the interaction from my readers to ask me at least once for the pw if I choose to alway use the same pasword. Another option is to add registered users to a list that I can make the blog post vissible to.

On a side note I still have not changed and worked on everything on my blog that I wanted and needed to because I got stuck at some points. A few other things I did fix such as my backups which are running smoothly now. If any of my readers have a better idea, just reply to this post. Thank you all.