I’m  posting some random pictures of me today in earlier stages of my life. Since they are not digital I have just made a picture. So this is me in my early twenties. It was on a vacation on spain the picture was made from inside our tent facing the exit of the tent. I will make an attempt to upload more aged pictures in the gallery into a folder. The folder is called Young younger youngest and you can find it in my picture gallery.  It said on front 0 images because there’s folders underneath but don’t worry in those folders are pictures lol.

all right so  a little post for my guildies in Lords Mobile. Just to say hi and please respect my posts as being personal. Although I share them with whoever wants to read it I do expect it to be treated with respect. Here’s my picture by the way. One of the very few I actually like.

Dark clouds and a light thunder. A soft rain falls down. It’s not bothering me. I am inside the house. But it reminds me of my mind. It feels the same. Always a thunderstorm inside of me. Seldomly a spark of sun.

The clouds be my past and my worries. The thunder be my thoughts. The lightning be my triggers and the rain my depression.

Sometimes a fresh wind blows through and makes a hole in the thunderclouds to let some sunshine in. It never lasts long but I cherish these moment as a treasure so rich. For they are what keeps me going. They are what makes me live.

Had a very difficult  therapy sessions today .. the mindfulness complete got me flooded with emotions and I don’t like but I cried. After that I couldn’t focus anymore in anything that was being said in the group and I barely participated it felt like a waste of time today. Can’t remember what the others said even.

It’s good that I feel what’s happening but I don’t have to like it. There’s little i can do to make it go away right now. It just takes time. then at home I finally sleep a few hours

When I was listening to music after I was woken up and disturbed in my sleep, suddenly I feel a great urge to write. Lyrics to a song and music and voice appeared in my head.. I wrote it down but ofcourse I can’t sing or play instruments. Someone I meet in a game I play is gonna help me work it out further and put music to it. Wow I wonder what it’s going to turn out like.

So I don’t really wanna make these lyrics public yet. And I’m wondering what’s next.. haha first time I wrote a song lol. This time it was something good that was over flooding me but usual it’s not something positive and I can’t just give my energy to that and work it out…so I keep it in and swallow and let it eats me inside out till it finally is out of power.

My hours spend on gaming often might be thought of as a waste. For me it is a way to let go. To relax and to escape the stress my trauma’s bring me. In a way I can’t anywhere else sometimes.

People seem often to think so light about it and I can but only wonder if they have even a clue what’s going on really and what trauma means. Its not something you can put aside or leave behind, you carry it with you anywhere and anytime. The inability to controle the fears inside me and the emotional pain I have to overcome everytime. The shame and desperarion I feel after I have been triggered. I keep moving forward but my past keeps pulling me back. It’s a constant struggle. Ignoring it leads to nightmares and more anxiety attacks because it simply does not go away just like that.

Sometimes I can easily tell what triggered me but I often can’t even tell because I simply don’t know and it’s a combination of things. I have been developing anxieties due to surviving techniques I have adjusted myself to, to live with my trauma’s and past. These survival techniques I developed myself according to my abilities and the situation because it is in humans nature to survive.

Someone who can’t swim will struggle and fight to survive. These struggles triggered by panick might eventually be the reason that they won’t survive. Simple floating would be a life saving technique. But when you have never learned this then you most likely don’t know how to use this.

My self taught survivingtechniques have lead to all kind of other issues and now they are not useful anymore they harm me and even makes me disfunctional at times. Self destructive behaviour for example is something I need to be really aware of. My self esteem, many people who know me would not even understand it or believe it but it’s zero. When playing those games I can relax and relativate and evaluate. It gives me a moment to let go of stress aside of the fact that some games are just fun to play.

Time passes and is something you don’t get back once it’s passed, so we should be very careful  how our time is spend. Wasted money can be regained. Wasted time is just that, wasted. Sometimes that’s ok. The time you enjoy wasting, is not wasted. It’s time well spend. My hours spend on gaming often might be thought of as a waste. That’s ok it’s my time and not theirs. They don’t live my life and I dont live theirs. They can’t have my time and I don’t want theirs my own time and life is difficult enough as it is.

It’s also about treasuring moments you enjoy and creating time to enjoy and allowing yourself to enjoy time spend on something. It’s part of self care and allowing yourself to be who you are. Acknowledging is the beginning of change. Understanding that being ok is sometimes good enough, that failing is part of life and is alowed. I don’t have to be what other people want me to be, and that learning costs time so I need to allow myself this time. It took time to get where I am now so it will take time to come where I’m heading at as well.