Often when I get upset about a small thing and I get really triggered into a lot of anxiety and being confronted with my past emotions or situations from where my traumas stem, I hate it with a passion that I get upset about such a little thing that seems to be so small to most people. For no one experiences the war that goes on inside me, the pain that consumes me, the shame that overwhelms me, and the sadness that keeps my tears running without a sound. I became aware of how powerful those substantially little things are. Not only have I found them in my traumas but also outside of that. When I take a walk outside on a quiet Sunday and the warm sunbeams touch my skin, I’m extremely aware of the warmth it spreads on my skin, That one single bird with his high pitched sounds doesn’t go unnoticed neither its friend that in the far distance replies to its calls. A single flower that grows out of the mud or all the little flowers on the tree that makes it look like one giant cotton candy. I single them out and enjoy the beauty of these little things. Sometimes I try to capture it on my camera, these small things that touch me that make me know who I am. That gives me the strength to believe in myself and the power to keep getting up when life knocked me down.

Those tiny little things are so powerful and can change a whole day instantly from good to bad or bad to good for me at least, where big things as they seem to be so big has less impact on me. It’s the individual that matters, the uniqueness, the one of a kind. The moments that will never come again.  You cant see it again ever in the same angle or hear it again exactly in the same way.

That touches me and teaches me to appreciate these things. It helps me to find the healing path to loving myself. I am ever grateful for the support from my sweetheart who never fails to remind me that I am worth loving and that I AM beautiful and strong and an amazing person. Without walking next to my shoes from arrogance I am trying to learn how to accept this and see this for myself. I do sometimes and there are moments that I appreciate myself. Only when I have reached that I can come to my full potential, I am fully aware of that. Learning to accept the negative things I can not change and use that to my advantage to be strong and stand above it. What once was a cause of my downfall will now be a cause of my power as well.

So I focus on those little things and that is why they become so grand and given so much power to lift me up. Most people will not notice the power of those things or the beauty of it sadly enough. I can’t wait to be with the one I can share all those things with that seem so small and unimportant yet all those little things together do make me, me. And he appreciates that he knows that, he sees that, he is amazing. One day… <3

Breast cancer, a pretty serious topic, one that I don’t really like to discuss honestly. Every time I have read on it I was very aware of how desastrous it can be and how fast it can change the lives of a female. How much of an impact it has on a person. I always wondered when I was told or read about checking your breast and armpits for lumps, what kind of lumps I would be looking for. I worried sometimes, what if I did not recognize it as a lump? I didn’t know how a lump in my breast would feel like. Makes me wonder if that should not be described better when it’s mentioned in information materials on this subject. I can’t be the only one right?

Well for me that has changed, I do know now. What very few people know, simply because I did not wanted it to be known is that just a few days before Christmas 2016 I found a lump in my breast. What went through me is hard to describe. It was a sad Holiday season for me to begin with only having the first Christmas day my daughter’s with me. Then between Christmas and New Year’s I’d have only my youngest with me 3 days and again with New Years I was alone. My oldest would be spending the second Christmas day and the Christmas vacation plus New Years at her dads and my youngest would be spending the second Christmas day and half the Christmas vacation plus New Years at her dads. With my discovery and the loneliness the Holidays would bring me I had to fight not falling into a depression. I did not wanted to ask for anyone to have sympathy or something really either. My boyfriend was with his family spending a vacation in New York but he did spend New Years eve online with me which I really enjoyed! That really made a difference not being completely alone. Well I had Silver with me as well. I was grateful for that too.  Now back to the origin of the topic, The timing for such news is never good and having to deal with such things pretty much alone is tough. I researched the internet and learned a  thing or two about lumps found in breasts. Still without being examined by a doctor and having the lumps actually checked there was no way of knowing if these lumps where bad or not. The only thing I do know is that it didn’t belong there because it wasn’t there before. I guess that’s the best way to describe what you should look for when checking your breast for lumps and why it is important to do it once every so often.

As said  before I didn’t tell anyone at first and it wasn’t until January when I felt comfortable to make a doctors appointment. An appointment was made to make a mammogram at the hospital that very same day. The doctor agreed that it was something that did not belong there and on top of that found a second one that was a lot smaller too. My boyfriend was the first I told and my oldest daughter, I told my therapist and I brought it up in my group therapy session briefly. I told two friends and that’s it. I wasn’t seeking for attention or pity or suddenly people wanting to jump on the bandwagon and feel sorry for me just because they where nosy.  One of my friends went with me to the appointment in the hospital which I really appreciated. I was told that the lumps in my breast where Fibroadenoma, as I was explained is not a bad tumor. However they still can be bad as far as I understood after doing more research and often a needle sample is used to research it further or its being monitored by growth by patient and/or doctor, like in my case. My next checkup is this summer. I learned they can grow up till 5 cm in diameter which is pretty big considering I’m not gifted with huge breasts and even then. That’s a large thing inside you that does not belong there. I want it removed really, I am not comfortable with it. So when I am ready I will go see my doctor and discuss that. The outcome of the research might have implied all is good but if it truly was sure all was good they would not have me come back for more checks in a few months. And further research told me that it still can be bad. Quote from the wiki page about Fibroadenoma and Phyllodes tumors  “Occurrence is most common between the ages of 40 and 50, prior to menopause. This is about 15 years older than the typical age of patients with Fibroadenoma, a condition with which Phyllodes tumors may be confused” Then you may understand why I am still worried and not at ease.

I still haven’t talked about it with anyone else and I don’t really want to either. Its something really personal. So you may wonder why I write about it. Fair question. When I write on my blog it helps me often to coop with things other then just posting an personal or informative article. I always try to keep my posts in a certain manner so that they wont hurt other people or affect them in a negative way. I am on a healing journey and negativity is not helping to heal me in anyway. Now if you have read it and I have not discussed this with you personally then respect that I don’t want to discuss it with you and be grateful for what I share.

Greetings Danielle

Well I have not written for a while a new post so I figured I write an update again. I am currently looking into moving to a new host for my blog because now I am divorced I simply can’t afford the webhosting service and my domain anymore as it is now unfortunately. I have found an affordable hosting service at Strato.nl. I hope their service is going to work with my blog. I have experiences with Strato in the past with other websites for a community center where I was taking care of the website among the things I did there and the service at strato has always been a pleasant one.  I am backing up my blog to make sure I won’t lose my data when my time runs out on this address and I will try to have a new site running before this one runs out so I can redirect all my old viewers to my new address.  Just so no one gets lost. There may be some changes to my blog that I want to make to my blog to make the size smaller perhaps and remove the items that I no longer wish to be part of my blog. When the time is there I will inform you all.

Next thing on my list is my divorce. I have all ready mentioned it in a post earlier that my divorce is finally final and I am no longer a prisoner to my marriage. That’s how it felt when I made the decision to part my ways from my ex. With that I can finally get my finances in order once I get my butt moving at least that is.

My package that I had send to Lane in December did finally arrived last month at Valentines day. I received the shipping costs back from the mail service due to the many problems I had run into with them and the fact that the package looked like it had been run over by a bulldozer. Now I am in the process of completing another package to send and my sweetheart has send a package to me as well. I am so exited I can hardly wait to receive it and open it :). I hope it wont be such a long wait as the package I have send his way last time. I love spoiling him with the little things I send and introducing him to  and sharing some Dutch candies and things I like and enjoy with him. All ready got him fall in love with my favorite candies too!

Ok so far this  quick update. Ill write more soon again! Hugs Danielle

Like Chocolate

Whenever
You look at me
With your beautiful
Deep brown eyes

Butterflies
In my stomach
Every time
Again and again

I melt
Like chocolate
In your mouth
When you smile

My heart races
When your voice
Meant for me
Reaches my ear

You touching my life
Leaves an imprint
In my heart
I never forget.

D.S. 23 march 2017 12:30

What climb? My climb to a new future is going to be a struggle, I knew it was going to be but I’m not scared. Yes I worry, I would be stupid not to worry. I have to stay on my toes for this one. My requested social care income has been denied.. with little money standing in my name I have no idea where they get the idea that my current bank saldo is too high.. I have 2000 euros in my name and when the bills come in I have nothing. Are they seriously going to wait for that? because  the social care income request can take up to 8 weeks. So by the time I get money I be 2 months behind on my rent and the other bills and me and my kids probably are starving by then because we have no money for food. One way to make people end up in debts. Further more I can’t request my taxes refunds because my divorce has not been requested at the court yet. That’s number two. Number three, its going to be a issue to get a parenting plan with my ex but finally I have the requested instances participating and helping on this. Which was a struggle on it self also.

And that’s whats most important, that my children are not gonna end up on the bad end of this. My Daughter has 2 parents a father and a mother and she has the right to love both of them and has the right to have both of them in her life. What I think of my ex does not matter  when it comes to that love. As long as her safety is not in danger. And that’s whats the most important thing. I have a lot of worries here, Probably because of the struggles I have had with my other child’s dad long ago but there are other reasons too which I prefer keeping to myself at this point. There’s no good reason to throw with mud on this medium aside of that, I’m better then that.

update 21 february 2017:

After a lot of issues getting everything taken care of, without the help from the instances that I requested help from and with some issues with my attorney who I had to explain and mail the parenting plan three times to, my divorce was finally send to court and this month on february 13th I received an email from my attorney that the divorce has been spoken out by court. To make it final my divorce has to be de-registered at the cityhall and then its all done and can I finally move on with my life. My finances are stabilized but in poor shape with lots of end of month left at the end of my money now. With my divorce done I can finally request the support from taxes with my bills that I desperately need. But I am happier then during my marriage.