Archive for the ‘News’ Category
I lied to you
Friday, August 4th, 2017I lied to you,
When I told you that I love you,
And when I said I would for as long as I live.
It’s not true,
Because I don’t just love you,
What I feel is so much more then that.
There just are no other words that will do.
Because,
You are my soul mate,
I will love you always,
Beyond the stars and the moon.
And I will find you again and again.
Luna, (D.S) august 4 2017 9:58 am
Abuse Intentionally or not, is still abuse.
Monday, July 31st, 2017I know, unintentional abuse is still abuse. Emotional abuse, is still abuse as well. Learning to control my emotions by learning patience and emotion regulation is very important but also very difficult for me.
Having C-PTSD, I know what emotional pain feels like, The fear the, pain, the anger etc etc. I know hurting other people is bad. I will try to explain what happens, note that this is a really not an excuse for me to be allowed to hurt anyone. Its the reason why it happens. It doesn’t make it right And it doesn’t mean that I can accept it from myself either, but I would like to explain it a little bit.
When I am in a normal state of mind I am reasonable and I would never do or say anything to hurt anyone. My traumas cause that I can be over flooded with emotions. More and intenser then I can handle, they are traumas from my past. The fear and pain is very real. They stem from real experiences. I have been hurt, I have been abandoned, I have been neglected, I have been sexually abused, etc etc. Its mostly emotional flashbacks that cause this. My traumas are overlapping each other and it becomes very difficult to sort out what caused it often that I respond so strongly. If I knew what caused it right away and can lead back the emotion to its origin then I can compare it with the current situation and work on dealing with the current situation in the right manner. I understand often that what I feel is not accurate with the current situation.
What I don’t know is how to respond anymore because of being overwhelmed. I have said things to people while in my mind I was only trying to protect, defend and stand up for myself. I was hurt, mostly by people I was supposed to trust. I am mostly triggered by those people for that reason. Other people can trigger me too but it will have less effect on them because I keep distant more from them than from people that I care about. So I will easier get into a situation that triggers me with people that I care about then people that I don’t care about. Logic wise its easier to regulate my emotions when its a child who triggered me or when its an adult person. I wish I could explain this better.
Some people are for me an almost constant trigger. That being said should tell you that I feel really horrible, and it hurts me very much knowing that I hurt other people. I am working very hard to stop my own abuse and to heal myself from my traumas. And, intentionally or not, it is still abuse. It is very hard for me to forgive myself and that too is part of my healing and something I am working on. Now last but not least. I am really sorry for hurting anyone, I know these people love(d) me and I hope they can forgive me. I also want to apologize to the people who love the persons I have hurt, other then myself, I am sorry.
Healing
Saturday, July 15th, 2017I had a few very busy days at the school of my youngest and with my oldest turning 18 I am going to have to look into how that affects everything in our lives. Aside of that I have learned more about my reactions to my traumas once again that I underestimated. I don’t want to lay out my whole love life here or go into details about it but it comes down to the fact that due to my traumas I have hurt my beloved sweetheart up to a point that drastic changes needed to be made. He can’t be in a relationship with me right now and I truly don’t know if he can be ever. My reactions to my fears are so overwhelming that they blind me until my emotions calm down and I can think straight again. I have been receiving therapy for a long time but I don’t know how to get past this because these emotions that completely flood me basically paralyzes me from using my learned skills. This scares me more then anything because if I can’t get past this I wont ever be able to heal. How do I get past my fears!? Reading article after article from all kinds of specialists tell me that this foundation of trust, because that’s basically why I am so scared, should be build in a loving relationship with lots of support an care and understanding. Of course not without therapy. But its the relationship that is the most troublesome part.
I have been hurting my beloved and I find it impossible to even forgive myself. The fact that our relationship is/was a long distance one makes it extra challenging plus our age difference and cultural differences. None of this changes how much I love him. After my hurtful reactions and looking at his own reactions to it he came to he conclusion that this is not working for him right now and he needed to distance himself from me for a while. No contact at all. This is a real challenge for me, not because I can’t or don’t want to give him the time to heal. Not because I can’t keep myself from contacting him, I just miss everything about him the warmth of our relationship and all the things we used to do. I need now to hold on to something that is really scary for me. I have to have trust in something that is for me almost impossible to believe. I have to believe that everything will be alright, whatever that may be. I have to trust in myself that I will be alright and coop with my fears caused by my traumas. One of them is fear of abandonment. This is NOT an imaginary danger because people HAVE abandoned me in the past. The feeling is very real! So abandonment recovery is one thing I need to engage in. Another thing is my fear of love. When everything goes fine and a minor thing comes up it can trigger me enormously and I will want to get away from it. Because in the past I have learned that this thing called love, hurts me to a point that I am traumatized now. So yes another fear based on REAL experiences. My reactions to this fear varies, most times I think I can control it and handle it okay I think, but other times it completely takes me over and its beyond control.
I don’t know what is going to happen between me and my beloved, I don’t know if he will heal and will want to continue our relationship. I have to be realistic. I can’t heal my traumas in a short period of time. Don’t think I am just trying to heal because of him or my love for him. I am healing for me, for myself in the first place. Its just that my traumas related to trust and love in a relational environment are the most difficult ones for me to deal with. A lot of my other traumas I already have learned to overcome and healed from. I need to find ways to coop better with my relational traumas and this made me think of something I have not done in a long time. Grounding. I used to ground myself every so often and especially when I was triggered this was a skill that helped me a lot. I forgot about it somehow and I have started to do it again. It helps me to stay in the here and now and stay with the reality of now and can help me fight my triggers. Meditating helps me too to calm and return to the here and now. I should have done it more often but I am stubborn and have not much patience especially not when it comes to my healing process. All right enough researching, rediscovering, reflecting and writing for now.
My rant on Fidget Spinners
Monday, July 10th, 2017First a few fact for those that don’t know fidget spinners. Here’s an image of what they possibly can look like. Although there are many versions colors and designs this is the most simple and common.
A fidget spinner is a toy that consists of a bearing in the center of a multi-lobed flat structure made from metal or plastic designed to spin along its axis with little effort.
The toy has been advertised as helping people who have trouble with focusing or fidgeting by relieving nervous energy or psychological stress. As of May 2017, there is no scientific evidence that they are effective as a treatment for autism or ADHD.
Fidget spinners are useless machines designed to spin with little effort.
That being said, I don’t find them a fitting toy for a 6 year old who still has to develop her self and her interests. Children need to develop and discover emotions and need to learn to deal with them accordingly as well. Often the spinner is just being used against boredom. I don’t like my child to use a useless spinning toy to be ready to be grabbed as soon as shes bored. Instead I rather have her being bored because that will stimulate her brain and motivate her to be creative and find something to do for herself on her own. So when my 6 year old came to me with the question if she could have a fidget spinner because all he other kids do, my answer was NO simple an clear. She really wanted one and since her dad and me are divorced she simply said ” Then I’ll ask my dad”. I had no problems with that its not my business what happens in his home. and he wouldn’t listen to me anyway. So I old her ok, but I don’t want it in my house. She understood that and ll was fine until she did took her fidget spinner with her into my home I explained to her later why when I thought she would be able to listen to me and understand. But she really wanted . I stepped in and told her sweetheart what did I tell you about them spinners. You can have them if your dad allows you to at our dads house but I wont buy them and I don’t want them in my house. Her dad was stanbding right next to me and heard it all. I explained to him why as well.
Then the next weekend she sneaked the spinner into my house without my permission and with her dad telling her to hide it well so her mom (me) won’t find it. Yeah… Putting her up against me, which can lead to a disturbed relationship between me and her and her and her dad as well, Teaching her it is ok to lie. AND disrespecting the rules in my house purposely. Yeah pretty sad… I know..
